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28 Tweets By Women That Made Me LITERALLY Laugh My Ass Off This Month (Like, I Laughed So Hard My Butt Actually Said "Sayonara!" And Fell Off My Body)

"I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize." —@jaxajueny

February was a great month for funny tweets by women! But first, it's time to reveal the winner of Funniest Comment on Last Week's Roundup!! Congratulations Gabby3, for this absolute banger of a line:

someone comments, i didn't even crack a smile at any of these and Gabby3 responds, try a wrench?

Make sure you follow all these funny ladies on Twitter!

1.

never really understood why a bad bitch like miss piggy threw herself at that goofy green frog but there is something about a skinny musician that makes women lose their better judgement

Twitter: @roastmalone_

2.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

Twitter: @jaxajueny

3.

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

Twitter: @abbynormansays

4.

Honestly wild thinking about 2013-2017 when everyone was like “simply replace pasta, which is a whole mela and will fill you up, with noodles made of zucchini, which have 5 calories and are mostly water and you will be starving. It’s basically the same!”

Twitter: @clhubes

5.

Who is the hero who rented out a Shake Shack and hired a private saxophonist, please I must know

Twitter: @juliezeglen

6.

Y'all going tax crazy already. I'm at Walmart and this girl bought $56 worth stuff . She gave the cashier a $100 bill and just started walking off. Her Friend was about to go back inside to get the change and ol girl yelled out "Girl come on, I ain't worried that lil shit” 😂

Twitter: @_shesdarkskiin

7.

whenever i’m working @ my hotel job n a girl w colored hair n wearing crystals checks in i always try to put her in an angel number room like 333 or something 😭 so she can be like omg it’s a sign ✨

Twitter: @oxojesss

8.

Every day it’s like “turns out this guy we thought was bare minimum fine is actually a huge piece of shit. Here’s where you can stream his upcoming project”

Twitter: @itsmegangraves

9.

the ai defenders love to ask "well what if you have a great idea for a story but you just don't know how to put it into words??" and i'm like "welcome to the fucking club called Writing"

Twitter: @stilloranged

10.

Twitter: @meg_it_happen

11.

it's a well-kept secret but the actual reason people get married & make fewer friends in their late 20s and early 30s because a decade of adulthood is the point where the overall narrative gets too convoluted to explain to new people

Twitter: @ruthhook_

12.

For the last 20 minutes my scaredy-cat dog has been audibly farting and running around the room trying to escape from the sounds of her own butthole. This is the pinnacle of human comedy.

Twitter: @Hellotherexu

13.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

Twitter: @missmulrooney

14.

many years ago, I had a meeting with my God son's teacher, she was worried about his speech development bc according to her " he NEVER speaks", I asked him - " Gabo, what's going on?" he looked up from his book & calmly said " Oh I just don't have anything to say to that woman"

Twitter: @raniawrites

15.

if you wanna get over a man just watch him eat

Twitter: @TessaPaisa

16.

me and my ex are both on dates at the same resturant and the way I’m seated i’m staring right at him and he mouthed “I’m gonna beat him up” lmfaooo I hate this nigga. I took off my glasses lmao

Twitter: @astoldbybunny

17.

My dad actually took me to my first appointment at the transgender clinic and I was like "This is so cool of you, it's like we're going to Thunderdome! 'Two men enter, one man leaves'"

Twitter: @InkMasterbator

18.

“I love sleeping” is the most euphemistic way of saying “I can’t stand being alive”

Twitter: @ginnyhogan_

19.

queer women are like “I know a spot” and give you keys to their apartment

Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl

20.

Twitter: @lizzzzzielogan

21.

TurboTax: What did you pay last year? Me: Attention to all the wrong men TurboTax:

Twitter: @omgskr

22.

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

Twitter: @abbyhiggins

23.

one of my friends in their slut era…

Twitter: @kelly_scraps

24.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, "my personal idea of progress is moving things forward," which is actually just the definition. everyone's nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it's clearly why trains explode

Twitter: @stilloranged

25.

gotta apologize to male authors because I just walked down the stairs and it turns out my chest did actually breast boobily

Twitter: @roastmalone_

26.

if i am in an uber or taxi or lyft i agree with every single thing the driver says. today a driver i had told me working out is the best pharmaceutical and that our bodies are pharmaceutical companies that pump out the best drugs and i said “absolutely true”

Twitter: @KindaHagi

27.

23 yr old just came up to me and said “hope it’s ok that I say this but I’m really into older women” so excuse me while I go kms

Twitter: @abbygov

28.

kids today don't know how lucky they are to have everyone spilling all the details of their lives on TikTok, back in my day people changed their relationship status to "complicated" and posted a status that said "not okay, don't ask" and we just never got to find out who cheated

Twitter: @VeryBadLlama

Don't miss last week's funniest tweets by women:

21 Tweets By Women That Are So, So, So, So, Soooooo Outrageously Hilarious

...or the funniest tweets by women in January!

31 Of The Absolute Funniest Tweets By Women So Far In 2023