Spring is finally here, which means everyone can finally be rude to strangers on the internet in nicer weather. Lovely! Anyway, congratulations to Pahz, whose comment about this tweet wins Funniest Comment on last week's roundup:
Make sure you follow all these funny ladies on Twitter!
1.
i just watched a girl get a facetime call from her friend telling her she’s pregnant and she was like squealing “omg yay this is the best news i’m so happy for you” then she hung up and said “that is so fucked up” out loud to no one
2.
Still laughing at this text from my son last night😂 And when I got home, both kids had swept up, washed dishes, put away shoes, coats, backpacks (I usually have to beg). They were shaking😂😂 I just quietly greeted them and went to my room. Which freaked them out even more😭😭😭
Son: "Good evening. I have broken a chair, if you wish to ground me, you may ground me. Where is the caulk gun holder?"
Mom: "Don't touch anything."
3.
So embarrassing that men make more money than us. Have you ever met a man?
4.
just remembered this was once my dating profile pic and my future husband saw it and was like “yep that’s marriage material”
5.
obsessed with working in a coworking space. i just walked past a meeting room where 5 guys were standing around a white board that just had the word “money” written on it. like BUSINESS is happening here. these are DISRUPTERS
6.
I let my 17yo have a small(ish) party while I was out of town. His friends are a good group and wasn’t worried about any crazy behavior. We talked about how it went. And I said “next time..” he cut me off-“I don’t think there will be a next time. It took me like 3 hours to clean”
7.
i love poetic people like wym u wanna swim in my eyes
8.
when u cant fall asleep and remember that one cringey thing you said in middle school
9.
Someone asked if my friend from high school was my son so obviously the haircut I got yesterday was a wise choice.
10.
trump is getting arrested by the FASHION POLICE! for wearing a WEIRD SUIT! -broti
11.
@closer2fine @Leah_adama @emilyadama for the record, the moment I got back home I told everyone that Americans in The South have group dances they all just know, like they're ready for a musical to break out at any moment, and no-one believed me 😭
12.
Mum: "Hi love - Dad and I been on the margaritas!! Everything ok there ? Xx"
Dad: "So I'm listening to Chain by Fleetwood Mac. You are in the privileged position of having this AND everything which followed. My question is do you have s..."
13.
Gwyneth Paltrow is so funny. She went on an hour long podcast to basically tell people she eats like a poor victorian child
14.
my dad just called & we started talking about how my mom & sister are squeamish about blood me: i don’t have that problem him: (laughs) yeah. me neither. i mean, i’ve seen 𝑑𝑒𝑐𝑎𝑝𝑖𝑡𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠. things u wouldn’t believe. things i’ll never forget…. sir….. it’s 9am
15.
Ah, Sunday. The Friday of parents with young children.
16.
excited for the sun but then I remembered we’re approaching “railed in a sundress” tweet season
17.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building's exterior. "The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street." Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
18.
Thank god exercise makes you hotter. If all it did was improve your health, boost your mood, increase your longevity, prevent physical pain, and help you sleep, I would literally never do it
19.
I'm being informed that (checks earpiece), yeah, it seems like more food is being demanded when I just cooked three hours ago? Can someone double check this for me?
20.
Many on dating apps are seeking my advice on professional development
Kylie: "Employee of the Month.. someone is getting exploited"
Austin: "I know, you have any advice for me?"
Kylie: "Stay in that grindset. Hustle harder. Hou can make $73000 in passive income per year if you sell 10 meatloafs per day at $20 per loaf"
21.
twitter has started forcing eating disorder content onto my tl and the craziest thing ive learned is that the community literally has not updated their graphics since 2014. passing the same 4 black and white tumblr posts around like a blunt
22.
Personally I never look up the lyrics to Hozier songs. It feels like an invasion of privacy. If Andrew wanted me to know the words he would’ve enunciated
23.
me and kevin are about to watch midsommar. he said he’d watch it as long as it wasn’t gruesome. i said ok
24.
No one asked her where the bones for her broth came from
25.
it’s always the meanest girl you’ve ever met who wears a $500 embroidered sweatshirt that says “empathy”
Don't miss last week's funniest tweets by women:
23 Hysterical Tweets By Women That Totally, Completely, 100% Consumed My Entire Mind This Week