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23 Hysterical Tweets By Women That Totally, Completely, 100% Consumed My Entire Mind This Week

"i love when bands are like 'we haven’t played our most popular three songs but we’re leaving the stage now…..don’t ask us to come back out….we won’t do it…..don’t even think about chanting…..'" —@_chase_____

Hello again, friends! I had COVID on International Women's Day this year and missed last week's Funny Tweets By Women post — misogyny truly is everywhere!! Anyway, congrats to haleybeatson for winning Funniest Comment in the previous roundup:

My dog farts silently 99% of the time and huffs the entire thing in absolute ecstasy. The 1% of the time he farts audibly he tried to jump away from his own arsehole in fear. We call it Ghost in the Hole

Make sure you follow all these funny ladies on Twitter!


I’m deleting dating apps and going back to bed with my vibrator

Twitter: @abbygov

Person 1: "Hey I know it's in 45 minutes but can we postpone our date? My friend just showed me his NFT collection (he has 3 apes) and I want to record a podcast about it with him lol"

Person 2: "That's fine"


it is beyond fucked up that restaurateur doesn't have an n in it

Twitter: @BringDaNoyz


when ur trying to leave the supermarket but mom ran into a friend

BG004/Bauer-Griffin/GC Images / Via Twitter: @1AbbyRoad


Watching “Women Talking” to see if it passes the Bechdel test.

Twitter: @LLcoolscharf


Legit call from the school: Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

Twitter: @DianaG2772


This photo goes crazy. The Etsy girlies are going to have a field day.

Myung J. Chun / Los Angeles Times via Getty Images / Via Twitter: @hiimbobbi


@TheLincoln I believe in using Vaseline as a marital aid while the kids are young. You don't use it as lube, you put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get the bedroom door open.

Twitter: @RaggedyMandy


Once I worked in a middle school and promised the kids if they met some big behavioral goal that I would rap the entirety of “Lose Yourself” by Eminem and also it’s important to note that we focused a lot more on behavior than on spelling

Twitter: @theillustrious

"Dear Mrs. K, I like it wene you played out side with us and played hoops with us. And it was fun wene you raped emenem. Sinsiraly, Blake"


Slow day. Gonna tweet something like "Geese Are The Ultimate Short Kings" and then come back to 400 comments, 6 death threats, and a Buzzfeed article just to feel alive.

Twitter: @jilltwiss


Tale as old as time: my daughter just asked why Disney is spelled with a G

The Walt Disney Company / Via Twitter: @missmulrooney


Storm8 Studios / Via Twitter: @cryingbaseball


flea’s litter box texting me whenever he pees or poops is where surveillance tech finally got me. im in the middle of the atlantic and i know my cat just pissed. it made me tear up. the future is so disgusting i shouldn’t have this

Twitter: @jamieloftusHELP


Twitter: @omgskr

Email subject: "Why women's right is important!"


ask a guy how his day was and he'll give you a one word response but ask him what's the strongest animal you think he could take in a fight and you'll learn more about him and how he views the world than you ever could otherwise

Twitter: @jasminericegirl


The New York Times / Via nytimes.comTwitter: @Jayaratnahhh

"Opinion: How to Get Kids to Hate English" by Pamela Paul in The New York Times.


don’t forget to leave milk and cookies out for Women

Twitter: @daughter_ion


Gonna go out on a limb here and say I think pants should end at some point? Also this sounds like the name of a horror movie for golden retrievers

Athleta / Via Instagram: @athleta / Twitter: @jilltwiss

"Athleta is introducing The Endless Pant"


We reminded our kindergartner he’ll be at a different school next year, and he said “How will I get there? On the bus?” We said we weren’t sure yet. He nodded knowingly. “Probably by dump truck.”

Twitter: @kathyflann


Columbia Pictures / Via Twitter: @kelleygreene


i love when bands are like “we haven’t played our most popular three songs but we’re leaving the stage now…..don’t ask us to come back out….we won’t do it…..don’t even think about chanting…..”

Twitter: @_chase_____


My brain at work: eat shit and die. choke and gag on your own intestines, you hideous fuckbag My email at work: I understand! Please let me know.

Twitter: @lynnbixenspan


just realized i was involuntarily doing the macarena while reading through emails because some car outside has it blasting (?!) and that's apparently how easy i would be to brainwash

Twitter: @meg_it_happen


god gave his cringiest copy to his best smelling candles

Twitter: @1AbbyRoad

"Your best friend be like: Girl, stop and smell the roses. Girl, hashtag blessed isn't just a meme, it's a mantra. Quit beating yourself up, you're doing great Babe. Cherish what you have & stop comparing your life to the 'gram. You've got so many things coming your way xo"

...or the funniest tweets by women in January!

31 Of The Absolute Funniest Tweets By Women So Far In 2023