46 Tweets By Women Last Month That Are So, So, So, So, Soooooo Outrageously Hilarious
"during awards season i start talking like a football fan… this is our year… it’s all rigged… it all comes down to who wants it more… this is the worst performance of the season…" —@ihcarama
It's somehow February already (WTF???), which means Valentine's Day is right around the corner. If you still need to buy a gift, might I suggest this lovely heart-shaped clickoris?
why does this mouse have a clickoris pic.twitter.com/hVc957q3hc
— horse dentist (@equine__dentist) January 30, 2024
And if you're single, no worries! Here are 46 hilarious tweets by women from January to keep you company. (Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!)
1.
i love when a restaurant’s bathroom is in the basement. it’s like ok brb i’m gonna go explore the catacombs
— chase (@_chase_____) January 7, 2024
2.
hey sorry I’m late I had to sit in my car for 45 minutes decompressing from the horrors
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) January 30, 2024
3.
Winter is so embarrassing as a short woman why do I have to spend 3 months looking like this pic.twitter.com/sz7fpZ3XWD
— Kylie Brakeman (@deadeyebrakeman) January 8, 2024
4.
A couple weeks ago someone i had just had sex with sincerely asked me what the word “introspective” meant and ever since i haven’t been able to shake the feeling that i committed some sort of crime
— zou bisou bisou where are you (@lilgrapefruits) January 30, 2024
5.
for a while whenever my bf refused to wake up i accused him of being gay for the sandman. so now when i shake him in the mornings sometimes he just mutters “im not gay”
— sophia (@pastoralcomical) January 22, 2024
6.
Guess who won't stop licking a patch on his neck and now gets to be a big silly orange? pic.twitter.com/hgww3K88F1
— Holly Brockwell (@holly) January 27, 2024
7.
it is 1824. I drink from a lead cup as children clock in at the factory. I dislike the King.
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) January 30, 2024
it is 1924. I drink from a lead cup as children clock in at the factory. I dislike the King.
it is 2024. I drink from a lead cup as children clock in at the factory. I dislike the King.
8.
I love joining a class action lawsuit. Hell yeah I've been wronged. Justice needs to be served. A surprise check for $26 in 6 years will make it right
— alexandra (@bigmoodenergy) January 23, 2024
9.
10.
kind of fucked up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) January 12, 2024
11.
accidentally signed off an important email with "all the vest" pic.twitter.com/BgrFvV74nV
— keely flaherty (@keelyflaherty) January 31, 2024
12.
during awards season i start talking like a football fan… this is our year… it’s all rigged… it all comes down to who wants it more… this is the worst performance of the season…
— ama (@ihcarama) January 23, 2024
13.
I got laid off yesterday. It’s a blur but when I got on the zoom call with my manager and saw an HR guy was also there I’m 90% sure I said “ah shit you got me”
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) January 20, 2024
14.
“wow your job is so cool”
— maha (@mahaaaay) January 30, 2024
me, 99% of the time: pic.twitter.com/F4igCnAFFU
15.
nothing stronger than the bond between a girl and the 100+ episode procedural drama she starts rewatching in the middle of a mental health crisis
— lucy ford 🍊 (@lucyj_ford) January 28, 2024
16.
y'all im 40% into this book im reading and this whole time i thought one of the characters was a horse. he is a man.
— jan ౨ৎ | 🍉 (@D0ROG4YA) January 21, 2024
17.
18.
Can you imagine trying to be friends with Rory and Lorelai Gilmore, like you are just trying to have a normal conversation over lunch and they won't stop quoting Rosemary's Baby and ordering fries
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) January 22, 2024
19.
a postgraduate degree? yeah i graduated and started posting
— “paula” (@paularambles) January 25, 2024
20.
i blocked him last night, and i got this email 😭 pic.twitter.com/ohLu3YSWTV
— chivo🌷 (@aneesahbritz02) January 25, 2024
21.
CDC guidance 2020: it’s important to slow disease spread to protect people in your community
— Julia Marie (@julia_doubleday) January 27, 2024
CDC guidance 2023: https://t.co/7bdOJ8oEPZ
22.
My daughter is sad because one of her preschool friends hasn’t been in school because he’s on vacation. I asked where he went and she said “he’s at the place where you can’t see the fox but the fox can see you” and I dunno I just feel like I’d need a vacation from that vacation.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) January 10, 2024
23.
Me, with a captive audience: pic.twitter.com/9AmFQnfhHX
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) January 29, 2024
24.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little fucking paperwork.
— kate♡ (@unimpresst) December 31, 2023
25.
There is always the briefest moment after I after eat like vegetables or a salad where I think there’s going to be a small awards ceremony for me
— jami attenberg (@jamiattenberg) January 28, 2024
26.
Siri do you think maybe I was talking to my cat pic.twitter.com/8TOjjuCjHV
— Mrs. Detective Pikajew, Esq. (@clapifyoulikeme) January 25, 2024
27.
i’m gonna be real. brown rice is fucking heinous. i can’t do it anymore dude. i’m prepared to risk it all for a white rice lifestyle.
— three jeans (@moongrudge) January 31, 2024
28.
going the extra mile (missing my exit)
— Jenna SaysQuoi (@jennasaysquoi) January 17, 2024
29.
oh my gods what an annotation pic.twitter.com/XFtMHn1khR
— Sorcha Ní Nia (@Luiseach) January 20, 2024
30.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
— Honey (@benegotherit) January 25, 2024
31.
i bookmark websites with the admirable yet misguided optimism of a squirrel hiding nuts before winter only to forget they even exist come spring
— chase (@_chase_____) January 2, 2024
32.
my 22yo friend will be like “well, (random guy) ended up doing exactly what you said he would” and i get to pretend it’s bc i’m psychic and not because i was in the trenches pic.twitter.com/iHQIufkZip
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) January 25, 2024
33.
When I was a baby agent an editor from penguin sent me a very nice rejection on a sub and I decided to walk away before responding.
— Pam Pho (@NerdyPam) January 25, 2024
My cat somehow walks over the keyboard and sends a reply to the editor.
It said “ u aSs”.
I’ve never mentally recovered. It was 11 years ago.
34.
My little brother called me at 1am lastnight crying throwing up bc his gf dumped him.. BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER? I’m like you’re not fucking serious rn cry some more
— aries fairy ☽˚｡⋆ (@sopapiaaa) January 18, 2024
35.
hey babe sorry I’m late. got stuck behind the unfolding tragedy of narcissus again pic.twitter.com/c3Q3QsWwlh
— Gina Lloyd (@GinaGoesOutside) December 30, 2023
36.
whoever decided capers should be stored in those narrow ass bottles should be tried at the hague bc what the fuck
— Ashley Reese (@offbeatorbit) January 27, 2024
37.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
— meggy (@dogmatic_shorty) January 24, 2024
38.
did a hippo write this pic.twitter.com/I9M2OdkLmS
— multitude container (@bartleby_era) January 25, 2024
39.
my reaction to taylor swift going onto the field to kiss travis kelce is literally not normal send me to the mental hospital i need a lobotomy
— emily (@titosoatmilk) January 28, 2024
40.
"Situationship?" "Soft launch?" "Love bomb?" Are you dating or working for Lockheed Martin?
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) January 14, 2024
41.
back to work tomorrow after 10 days off pic.twitter.com/W9w1Jfaodx
— alex (@vodkalemonades) January 1, 2024
42.
This morning I was telling my daughter about all the bands I was in when I was younger, and she was like “wait, so there were *boys* in your bands?” I was like “yep” and she goes “I don’t understand, why would you want to have a boy in a band, what would they even do”
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) January 23, 2024
43.
A24 this A24 that have you ever considered A24 hour break from social media
— daisy bard (@DaisyBard) January 11, 2024
44.
Whenever I discover a really fucked up law and google its origins pic.twitter.com/scyrBVF7tS
— Keara Sullivan (@superkeara) January 23, 2024
45.
instead of dry January I’m doing why January. it’s where every day i stand in the middle of the street & scream WHY GOD WHY
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) January 2, 2024
46.
it is NEVER too early to COMPLETELY write-off the year, if you suffer even the TINIEST inconvenience today then NOTHING you do wrong for the next twelve months is your fault AT ALL
— aedison.bsky.social (@aedison) January 1, 2024
Don't miss the funniest tweets by women last year...
...or the funniest tweets about what it was like to be a woman in 2023!
I'm Laughing (And Sobbing) At These 50 Tweets About Being A Woman In 2023