99 Of The Absolute Funniest Tweets By Women In 2023
"Is there any way this country could be victim to a mass gas leak and that is why everyone is acting so deranged?" —@hansmollman
Women are famously the funniest people on "X" (formerly known as Twitter), so I rounded up the 99 most hilarious tweets by women in 2023 — a year when we desperately needed a laugh.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) September 27, 2023
Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
1.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life's short but now he's my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
— Lane Moore📚 (@hellolanemoore) May 20, 2023
2.
Was in Paris on Friday night and a handsome French man was flirting with me and I asked him what his name was and he said (very Frenchly) “Ah you will be disappointed” and I thought what a silly thing to say and then he said “it is Kevin” and you know what? I was disappointed.
— molly (@mollyEatsTofu) January 15, 2023
3.
They just asked me to make an excel document at work, omg they’re onto me 😭 pic.twitter.com/WkUxNNltw6
— AGD. (@TheLexGabrielle) January 19, 2023
4.
Have never identified more with anyone than I just did with the woman who walked into the grocery store in front of me, shook her head, said “I can’t be making these kinds of decisions today” and walked right back out
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) August 31, 2023
5.
"humor was much better in 2017"
— Avery🏳️⚧️ (@pumthecutiepie) February 16, 2023
humor in 2017: whomstve the fucc ate my spaghet
6.
if a woman tells you you have “nice hands” she is doing everything in her power not to fuck you senseless please release her from her torment her friends are receiving the kinds of messages someone in prison would send
— Grace Jarvis (@gracejarvisohno) September 12, 2023
7.
haven’t smoked weed in like 3 years and tonight I did and at first I was like oh why don’t I do this anymore it’s nice! and now i’m at the club manually breathing
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) July 23, 2023
8.
gotta apologize to male authors because I just walked down the stairs and it turns out my chest did actually breast boobily
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) February 6, 2023
9.
Girls will suffer unearthly tragedies and still run errands the same day with a smile on their face but if a man’s parents divorce when he is 12 he will unleash his wrath on the world for the rest of his life
— Soup (@soupinthering) October 9, 2023
10.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
— erin chack (@ErinChack) June 2, 2023
kingpin: where's the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we've ever seen in a single body
11.
If i was a girl cat and i saw a boy cat get the zoomies that would be such an ick
— callie actually (@eggshellfriend) October 17, 2023
12.
When my 2yo doesn’t want to talk anymore, she ends the conversation with “happy birthday” and walks away waving bye.
— Princess (@themultiplemom) May 8, 2023
13.
me (not handling things) to my friend (also not handling things): I think you handled it perfectly
— delia (@delia_cai) June 11, 2023
14.
thinking about the couple from my high school who did couples therapy after 4 months of dating when they were 16
— bailey moon (@Baileymoon15) April 3, 2023
15.
my sister didn’t remember that i left this morning pic.twitter.com/Qoe8GDtRF6
— ann zhao says preorder dear wendy (@annzhao_) September 3, 2023
16.
Man on phone: I faxed papers in 2 weeks ago.
— Morgan Danielle 🩷💜🩵 (@imaginmatrix) June 26, 2023
Me: I’m sorry sir, we have no record of receiving anything
Man: you have to have it, I sent it 2 weeks ago!
Me: I’m sorry, we don’t have it
Man: I got a confirmation!
Me: what does it say?
Man: “confirmation: job undelivered”
17.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) January 8, 2023
18.
lana del rey just said “isn’t it cool that we’re playing on a full moon tonight” and everyone turned around to look at the moon and it was not full at all
— paige hettinger (@404paigenotfnd) October 2, 2023
19.
i just watched a girl get a facetime call from her friend telling her she’s pregnant and she was like squealing “omg yay this is the best news i’m so happy for you” then she hung up and said “that is so fucked up” out loud to no one
— cassandra (@cassbwell) March 17, 2023
21.
5yo; “Mommy, I think when I grow up, I might change my name to a grownup name because my name is a little kid’s name. Maybe I’ll use my middle name. My name is such a baby name! I want a grown up name when I’m a grown up.”
— Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) May 3, 2023
Reader, his name is HARVEY.
22.
Congratulations on working 40 hours! You are now free to dissociate for 2 days
— 𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲 (@im_all_id) July 21, 2023
23.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
— Abigail Higgins (@abbyhiggins) February 8, 2023
24.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company's invoicing portal and I can't delete it pic.twitter.com/Bxg8RRy4ha
— Amelia Tait (@ameliargh) May 5, 2023
25.
Regularly haunted by my own hubris - tried to set my bf up on a playdate with my coworkers husband because they both “really like bikes.” Anyways, it turns out her husband was in the Tour De France
— C. E. Aubin (@ceaubin) October 25, 2023
26.
my job? nfl team graphic designer. my mission? to make a bird look as mean as possible
— molly mary o'brien (@missmollymary) September 14, 2023
27.
…i do not have a cat pic.twitter.com/BLygexCdXq
— taylor garron (@taylorgarron) September 28, 2023
28.
(walking up to don quixote) hi i’m a huge fan
— anna worm ✨🌸✨ @ frogs4girls on bsky (@frogsforgirls) June 3, 2023
don quixote: *eyes narrowing* you’re a What?
29.
As a Los Angeles babysitter I have seen children’s birthday parties that would make Bernie Sanders kill himself
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) June 14, 2023
30.
When you check the furniture website and the home page says "We are the tellers of a story not commonly told" and it's like okay I guess they're not doing a sale
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) October 4, 2023
31.
Gwyneth Paltrow is so funny. She went on an hour long podcast to basically tell people she eats like a poor victorian child
— Jacqueline 🇸🇸🇸🇩🇵🇸 (@jaxajueny) March 16, 2023
32.
i’ve had sex with one british guy and he went “ooo that’s lovely” the whole fuckin time https://t.co/poJ5CjAeRo
— multitude container (@bartleby_era) May 4, 2023
33.
Not to sound like I voted for Reagan or something but just how many new smoke shops do we need really fhdjdjdjdjd
— Ashley Reese (@offbeatorbit) July 21, 2023
34.
Yet another friend has been struck down by teenage pregnancy. We're almost in our thirties but still...
— Krystle Zara (is writing book 2) (@krystlezara) January 13, 2023
35.
this is the playlist someone makes after frantically googling 'music' https://t.co/myIq8doscF
— wannabe burgravine (@mcmansionhell) September 6, 2023
36.
Remember when we were like “Stop killing black people” and someone was like we’ll change “master bedroom” to “primary bedroom?”
— Heben Nigatu (@hebennigatu) September 14, 2023
37.
My sister has an original eames chair and this is how she uses it pic.twitter.com/2I26IZAznF
— tara (@proletarat) June 3, 2023
38.
to do lists are so fun. it’s just “drink water” and “read” followed by a list of everything i’ve ever wanted to achieve since i was 7
— chase (@_chase_____) October 29, 2023
39.
one time i was talking to an italian (from italy) guy online and he kept saying i should visit and i was like, 'don't italians hate fat people?' and he was like, 'no, you would be exotic to our perverts'
— roxy demento (@falseroxy) July 6, 2023
40.
Yesterday, I spent about a good two hours cooking. I’m in there slicing, dicing, sautéing, and seasoning up a storm and babbbyyy when I tell you that shit was ass!!!! I’m going to go back to leaving feeding me up to the professionals.
— Step In the Name of Love Combs (@Kyla_Lacey) June 19, 2023
41.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are "people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano" pic.twitter.com/fBjMrNNT60
— ex-Lethality Jane🌻 (@LethalityJane) June 7, 2023
42.
“can you explain the gaps in your resume?” yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 18, 2023
43.
Accidentally turned down a gig on the 12th of July as I saw a dot in my calendar and thought I must be busy but it’s just Battle of the Boyne.
— Lou Taylor (@LouTaylorTrash) June 27, 2023
44.
Just took an everything shower pic.twitter.com/QyDjqkZviF
— abby (@budm1ser) November 7, 2023
45.
at a bibimbap place and a young guy next to me just said “I’ve actually forgotten how to use forks because I spent so long in Japan” to his date do I say something do I save her
— Stevie Martin (@5tevieM) June 8, 2023
46.
Meal prepping is crucial for having quick and easy access to something i would rather die than eat
— anne (@codinghater) May 23, 2023
47.
Millennials watching Gen-Z post about how quaint the post 9/11 Bush years must have been pic.twitter.com/T9rFFnUq2A
— Sarah Solomon (@sarahsolfails) April 6, 2023
48.
Is there any way this country could be victim to a mass gas leak and that is why everyone is acting so deranged
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) October 2, 2023
49.
My closest encounter with the mafia is I went to a starkly empty pizza place in Rhode Island once, they seemed utterly confused that I wanted a pizza, it took 45 minutes to make, they gave it to me for free, and it was the best pizza I’d ever had.
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) October 4, 2023
50.
Women’s sexual fantasies be like “I wish I ran away from my arranged marriage and a cowboy who was paid by my fiancé tracks me down to take me home but on the way back we get into hijinks and fall in love” and men’s fantasies be like “idk anal”
— meg “Yooper” bitchell (@MeganBitchell) March 30, 2023
51.
i hate when energy drinks are marketed toward men. what could they possible need energy for? telling lies??
— meredith (@dietz_meredith) July 5, 2023
52.
girls w stomach issues: https://t.co/O9hNiUGVuh
— v33n (@alotofcryingngl) August 19, 2023
53.
Family guy is so insane bc why were ppl dating that dog
— Bones• (@boneseyy) October 4, 2023
54.
Last night I was at a very fancy restaurant and I watched a woman casually take a sip of water out of a small vase of roses on the table. Her husband didn’t react at all.
— AlwaysAshley (@AshleyAlready) October 29, 2023
I cannot stop thinking about it.
55.
Love how you all are missing your 23 year old selves. I was 23 last year and I would shoot her with a gun
— J (@yikingtons) January 27, 2023
56.
I’m deleting dating apps and going back to bed with my vibrator pic.twitter.com/jQ83oIlLfC
— abby govindan (@abbygov) March 6, 2023
57.
The story about the submarine has made me thankful for my Generalized Anxiety Disorder because I would simply, and I cannot emphasize this enough, never
— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) June 20, 2023
58.
imagine being glen powell’s gf and seeing that he cheated on you w sydney sweeney and everyone’s reaction is “real hollywood is back! that’s showbiz baby!”
— emily (@uhhmmily) April 24, 2023
59.
when someone is talking about “protecting their peace” you know they are the absolute most chaotic person alive
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 25, 2023
60.
i hate my friends pic.twitter.com/G2TH9RFeCK
— Noor ✭ (@Noorthevirgo) September 24, 2023
61.
i love it when i can tell a friend is doing their content rounds. thank you for sending me a tweet and a tiktok during your shift at the post factory queen. see you again in 2-8 hours
— kelsey weekman (@kelsaywhat) September 19, 2023
62.
It’s brutal being a funny person on a dating app. I said an unusual skill of mine is that I can tie a cherry stem into a knot using just my hands and someone asked “but can you tie it with your tongue?”
— Andrea More (@amore_orless) April 27, 2023
63.
in the club naming 5 things i can see 4 things i can feel 3 things i can hear 2 things i can smell and 1 thing i can taste
— samantha (@milkygoddess) June 11, 2023
64.
Everlane sends me emails like “the viral ultra-flattering pants we can’t keep in stock!” and I click and these are the pants pic.twitter.com/Naj9WyCCvr
— Cartoons Hate Her! (@CartoonsHateHer) September 6, 2023
65.
Heavy sigh.
— A Queer and Pleasant Danger 🦖🦕 (@Samwitch11) September 14, 2023
I was talking to a coworker last week, and she got a phone call that transferred to her super-cool watch. She pointed to her wrist and said, "Sorry, my son is calling!"
I said, "Wow! Like Dick Tracy!"
Today I am explaining to my manager why I called her a "Dick".
66.
Boy math is how 5’10” measures 6’ https://t.co/85djuD5Nql
— rae 🫠 (@RaeWitte) September 25, 2023
67.
novels are so great. novels are like "i made up a little weirdo. oh no, now he's in trouble!"
— Gabrielle Moss (@Gaby_Moss) April 22, 2023
68.
thanks to my doctor i now know my number one issue is “transgender person” pic.twitter.com/Y1tPr4hBZ6
— north (@north0fnorth) October 17, 2023
69.
bill nye’s full name is william new years eve
— kim (@KimmyMonte) October 30, 2023
70.
the spirit of a 58 year old white man overtook me briefly pic.twitter.com/qecB0fpzZ6
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) November 8, 2023
71.
STOP! NARCING! I brought a watering can to dinner tonight because a friend had given it to me earlier. as I was leaving the restaurant, a woman told a waiter “she’s stealing your watering can!” and then I had to be like “this is actually mine” which is embarrassing for no reason!
— sweet potato sarah (@sablaah) September 21, 2023
72.
What is this, a neoliberalism simulator? pic.twitter.com/WIGmp1WgEs
— DreamLeaf 🌻 (@DreamLeaf5) October 12, 2023
73.
I ate a sharp chip and you’re laughing. I ate a too sharp chip and hurt the roof of my mouth and you’re laughing
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) October 9, 2023
74.
A guy asked me what it was like to be a woman in the workplace and another guy answered for me.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 28, 2023
Nailed it.
75.
when the friend with the studio apartment hosts the hang pic.twitter.com/t2bQ0uQOMW
— chase (@_chase_____) October 3, 2023
76.
Haven’t seen no squirrels lately and all of a sudden mc Donald’s got 50 cent burgers
— Ty ☆ (@cuteasstyy) September 20, 2023
77.
I (43F) just had my son (17M) tell me, "You'll never appreciate Nirvana like I do," when a video of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" came on You Tube.
— Rachel Hawkins/Erin Sterling (@LadyHawkins) October 12, 2023
This is in zero parenting manuals.
78.
i miss him (literally the worst person i’ve ever met)
— Cassie ⋆ (@cassiee1919) January 8, 2023
79.
innovation is everywhere pic.twitter.com/bEawHaHp9g
— jamie loftus 🌭 (@jamieloftusHELP) July 27, 2023
80.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
— rayne fisher-quann (@raynefq) February 20, 2023
81.
Copyeditors at the New Yorker be like “In my in-box there’s an e-mail from a teen-ager who won’t coöperate in the reëlection, instead focussing on his début Web site”
— Kristen Steenbeeke (@ksteenbeeke) June 27, 2023
82.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve barely chugged your Eggo Brunch in a Jar Appalachian Sippin’ Cream pic.twitter.com/rKPDboLqRJ
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) September 27, 2023
83.
*touches his circumcision scar* i’m sorry i couldn’t protect you
— ghost 𖤐 (@ghostcoochie) October 5, 2023
84.
getting married in the really olden times was so nuts it was like bye mom bye dad see you guys literally never again. I’ll be two miles away
— empress sissi (@historicalfits) May 18, 2023
85.
Whenever I’m feeling down, I remember the company dinner when an intern turned to our CEO and asked, “Who are you?”
— Kat Lewis (@katjolewis) January 9, 2023
86.
Getting ahead of the rumours, smart https://t.co/Yh1AkIinyp
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) September 26, 2023
87.
I had a rolling backpack in highschool. I came in every morning looking like I was going through TSA.
— SCAM GODDESS (@DivaLaci) October 26, 2023
88.
All right then, keep your secrets pic.twitter.com/IwCuF1TIj4
— meghan (@deloisivete) October 24, 2023
89.
EVERYONE STOP WHAT THEYRE DOING AND LISTEN TO ME!!!!
— @ImaniBarbarin@disabled.social (@Imani_Barbarin) February 21, 2023
WE ALL KNOW TO MUCH ABOUT ONE ANOTHER. https://t.co/chjfJqxtPf
90.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
— Elizabeth Goodspeed (@domesticetch) October 19, 2023
91.
sure people start getting engaged, married and having kids, BUT something nobody truly prepares you for about your late twenties is how many of your friends start running marathons
— Annie Wu⸆⸉ (all socials: @annie_wu_22) (@Annie_Wu_22) November 6, 2023
92.
2 for 2 pic.twitter.com/8vrFRihmsl
— emily(◕‿◕✿) (@emuhleepowurz) July 10, 2023
93.
Working In Office is soooo degrading why am I biking 3 miles in slacks at 8 am with a jar of beef stew in my backpack
— manic pixie cheese curd, MPH (@tildawhirl) October 17, 2023
94.
men b like She accused me of things that Are true grrrrrr
— ༺𖤐༻ (@G0REMAMl) May 15, 2023
95.
I don’t know why I have a headache??? all I do is look at screens much of the day then go out in the sun for hours then grind my teeth all night
— danielle weisberg for hire (@danielleweisber) October 8, 2023
96.
My job is just… Meeting pic.twitter.com/j6V8UoPuHG
— Krystal Wu (@HelloKrystalWu) July 27, 2023
97.
if we’ve brought back global pandemics, titanic disasters, railroad strikes, a King of England and Russian coups, we should also get to bring back the parts of the 20th century where they had cocaine in the soda and a minimum wage earner could buy a family home
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) June 24, 2023
98.
I hate to say it, but ever since Blake Shelton was named sexiest man alive things have been in shambles.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) August 27, 2023
99.
i already messed up… 2024 my year for sure
— Noor ✭ (@Noorthevirgo) January 1, 2023