I have but one question for you, dear readers: Could a person wasting away on the internet do THIS (makes another funny tweets roundup for BuzzFeed).
As always, make sure you follow these funny ladies on Twitter!
1.
My son just asked me how I know his name…… I’m not in the mood today
2.
adulthood is wild because my to-do list will be like 1. buy toothpaste 2. figure out how to write a will
3.
Being bisexual really helped me realize how different men and women view me. For example, women find my face to be my most attractive feature, but men prefer my lack of self confidence.
4.
the generation that partied to "what does the fox say" has no business judging the trends of today's youth, none
5.
Chronic pain is your body is screaming “im in pain” and you are like ok what’s wrong and your body's like “that part is actually a secret”
6.
One time a coworker guilted me into sponsoring her in the Walk for Hunger. The day after the walk I handed her my $40 and asked how it went, and she tucked it into her purse and said “Oh I didn’t actually go, I went to a baby shower” So that is my Larry David origin story.
7.
i’m too unserious to join the military, i would be in the field on twitter like “not they throwin grenadesss😭”
8.
What’s bothering everyone today? I’ll go first, September
9.
does anyone have alanis morisette's phone number. i bought a huge expensive coffee and it all spilled on the ground. i want her to add it to that song.
10.
pooping just got so much easier
11.
Had my first PSL of the season!🍁☕️ (profound self-loathing)
12.
My 2yo literally told me what he wanted for dinner (hot dogs, tomatoes, grapes) went w me to the store to get it, scanned it at self check out BY HIMSELF, cut up the grapes, tomatoes and hot dog with his toddler knife, put it all on his own plate and then…refused to eat dinner.
13.
my sim ripping bong in subway eating cookies w a goblin
14.
New definition of "in your 30s" just dropped
15.
Me: I want Starbucks Me: Anything for u princess
16.
two pairs of underwear on the sidewalks this morning, so it's safe to say the students are back
17.
i wore fishnets outside for too long 🙃
18.
If you're having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
19.
the “you must kill lanternflies on sight” advisement in philadelphia is hilarious. i don’t think I’ve ever entered a city that gave me a side quest
20.
me when im overstimulated and trying not to lose my shit
21.
People asking me if I'm all right because I'm sitting on the sidewalk. Folks, the person who's really not all right is whoever decided there shouldn't be benches in the suburbs
22.
how many times can my WiFi be down before my job realizes I am asleep
23.
her: ugh dont turn into a stingray on the sidewalk me:
24.
The train just passed a field full of cows and no one in our car said “COWS” so I whispered it to myself. Just not ready to find out what happens when cows are not duly acknowledged.
25.
fuck marry kill: your credit card, your student loans, your will to live
26.
One time some kids in HS tried to bully my by lying that this more popular guy wanted to date me but it backfired completely because I was too gay to be interested back
27.
me and my boyfriend got into an argument the other day and this what he sent back to my paragraph
28.
if I were a baby who had been bathed fed sung to read to and lovingly shielded from the suffering and cruelty of this world all day at great personal cost to my caretakers I would simply go to fucking sleep
29.
lifelong friendship is so funny. I once saw you drink four loko out of an ugg boot and now you have a son named Arnold
30.
Plz keep me in your thoughts everyone is saying “Happy Friyay” at work
31.
The least funny men in the whole world will use Twitter to complain to their 17 followers about any woman who has ever had a joke go viral
Don't miss the funniest tweets by women from August:
— 43 Tweets By Literally The Funniest Women On Al Gore's Entire Internet (8/24/22)
— These 42 Funny Tweets By Women Are Piss-Your-Pants Level Hysterical (8/16/22)
— Members Of The Jury, These 40 Hilarious Tweets Will PROVE That Women Are The Funniest People On Earth (8/12/22)
— 31 Hysterical Tweets By Women That Made Me Snort With Laughter This Week (8/4/22)