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    43 Tweets By Literally The Funniest Women On Al Gore's Entire Internet

    "Whenever I switch sleep positions I’m like this one’s gonna be huge for me." —@isabelsteckel

    Another week, another trillion brain cells lost to the endless scroll of Twitter dot com. But those brain cells did not die in vain — I found the 43 funniest tweets by women this week!

    They don't know i've been twitter-brained

    As always, make sure you follow these funny ladies on Twitter!

    1.

    sure sex is great but have you ever been in your 40s and taken an advil?

    Twitter: @meg_it_happen

    2.

    My tombstone will read: “thanks so much either way!” unless that doesn’t work, and if not no worries!

    Twitter: @isabelhagen_

    3.

    my tummy hurts. pretty sure 40oz of coffee will fix it

    Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl

    4.

    cavemen and women referring to hunting and gathering as "adulting"

    Twitter: @BrotiGupta

    5.

    important to read your baby nursery rhymes so she’ll have correct opinions about centuries-old British political figures

    Twitter: @petridishes

    6.

    Twitter: @cryingbaseball

    7.

    I know I should say I love all my local news anchors the same, but I do have a favorite.

    Twitter: @kathyflann

    8.

    My husband to 9yo: What did you have for lunch at camp today? 9yo: Untitled meat.

    Twitter: @jocelynjanecox

    9.

    need to know what has to be wrong with you to earnestly wish a celeb a happy bday on twitter...can science tell us

    Twitter: @KindaHagi

    10.

    The thing about mountains is I’m going to take a picture that I’ll never look at again.

    Twitter: @HollyBallantine

    11.

    me: haha did u see this article about western women traveling to Seoul to meet Korean men? mom: [gestures at dad] tell them they can have him!

    Twitter: @karencheee

    12.

    tweeting on a giant imac makes me feel like a soviet nuclear engineer

    Twitter: @mcmansionhell

    13.

    mom, dad, :) i’d like you to meet my *forgets gender neutral term for boyfriend* uuuuh collaborator

    Twitter: @daughter_ion

    14.

    the entire concept of passports is weird, you try to visit a slightly different piece of the planet you were born on and then somebody goes "woah woah woah, first I need to see a very small booklet"

    Twitter: @VeryBadLlama

    15.

    The thing about jumpsuits is that every time you pee your tits are like YOOOOO

    Twitter: @bklyncullie

    16.

    my husband RAN—I mean absolutely sprinted—in from the garden, yelling my name, at 8 am, so he could show me this tomato. happy saturday

    Twitter: @hannahmsays

    17.

    me after bombing in front of 20 people: what I need is a bigger audience

    Twitter: @ginnyhogan_

    18.

    They should make the next James Bond someone marginalized…like a tik tok star ❤️ just a thought

    Twitter: @KindaHagi

    19.

    Cocktails????? You had me at cock!!!!!

    Twitter: @awngie

    20.

    Crying in public is wild. One time I was out to dinner with my parents and we got into a fight and I was sobbing at the table and then the waiter came over and was like “so which dessert was our favorite!?” And between sobs I was like, “the pudding.”

    Twitter: @EmilyKling2

    21.

    TFW you're helping your child search for a McDonalds toy you know damn well you threw out two days ago

    Twitter: @LindsayHameroff

    22.

    Watch this conservative lifted truck absolutely DESTROY liberal elite low-clearance overpass

    Twitter: @emily_murnane

    23.

    If I was a scientist every time someone did something I didn’t like I would just put it in the DSM-V

    Twitter: @kiranmayeet

    24.

    if something i bought at the grocery store is made of glass i’m like i can’t throw that away that’s an antique

    Twitter: @_chase_____

    25.

    that's my emotional support room-temperature iced coffee with an inch of water floating on top

    Twitter: @VeryBadLlama

    26.

    would you rather jump into burning lava or date a guy who calls women “mid”

    Twitter: @abbygov

    27.

    I hate when people say they don't want to bribe their kids. You have to buy an iced coffee every time you grocery shop and you think you can create a sufficiently motivating inner desire for a 3yo to clean up their toys?

    Twitter: @ShannonJCurtin

    28.

    men used to command armies now they have podcasts about being alpha males sponsored by audible

    Twitter: @INDIEWASHERE

    29.

    just saw a tiktok of a cake being cut and it’s actually a watermelon with some kind of topping on it and the fitness queen birthday girl was so excited and let me just say that if anyone ever does that to me i’m walking out of the restaurant and possibly setting it on fire

    Twitter: @Chelsea_Fagan

    30.

    A weighted blanket is not enough I need a hydraulic press

    Twitter: @emmaketchup7

    31.

    One thing they don’t tell you about the rubber Birkenstocks is that they turn into personal slip and slides for your feet in the rain.

    Twitter: @Ciarabelles

    32.

    Mix things up by putting framed quotes meant for the kitchen into the bathroom

    Twitter: @Jewyorican

    33.

    CVS texts me about my prescriptions with the frequency of a teenager going through a bad breakup, and while sure, I love the messy drama about my out-of-stock lisinopril, I’m one message away from ghosting this needy corporation.

    Twitter: @lisaborders

    34.

    whenever i switch sleep positions i’m like this one’s gonna be huge for me

    Twitter: @IsabelSteckel

    35.

    One of the benefits to having kids that people don’t really talk about is that your kid can be the one to go up to the Costco sample person so you don’t have to make small talk.

    Twitter: @vickjulie

    36.

    writing a cover letter is so debasing like can i just give the hiring manager a blowjob instead

    Twitter: @eggshellfriend

    37.

    a bit in love with the way wealthy children describe their mothers’ mental illness & ailments in older books…. it’s always like “we mustn’t bother mother. she’s taken to bed with one of her colorstorms”

    Twitter: @SydneyBattle

    38.

    I’m writing a scholarly essay on the devastating effects of no one liking your tweet.

    Twitter: @BlayrAustin

    39.

    i love when NASA just tweets something like “Check this out — space sounds like the wailing of billions of souls trapped forever in Hell! They are calling for your blood! Wow!” https://t.co/VSv3Meql8D

    Twitter: @libbycwatson

    40.

    love the east coast i can’t believe old money is real and not just something lana del rey invented as a joke

    Twitter: @raynefq

    41.

    Me: I don’t know why my computer’s running so slow My computer:

    Twitter: @kelleygreene

    42.

    I need three day weekends every week bc I need a day of complete and utter rotting, a day of cleaning, and a day of activities

    Twitter: @SultanReina

    43.

    i don't want to work. i want to eat prosciutto.

    Twitter: @seynique