99 Hilarious Tweets By Women That Survived Elon Musk's First Full Year At Twitter
"I told the bus driver he was hot when I got off the bus because life's short, but now he's my driver on the way back, too, so turns out life is long." —@hellolanemoore
The first half of 2023 has been great for funny tweets by women, so let's look back on 99 of the best this year so far:
Make sure you follow all these hilarious women on Twitter!
1.
i just watched a girl get a facetime call from her friend telling her she’s pregnant and she was like squealing “omg yay this is the best news i’m so happy for you” then she hung up and said “that is so fucked up” out loud to no one
— cassandra (@cassbwell) March 17, 2023
2.
gotta apologize to male authors because I just walked down the stairs and it turns out my chest did actually breast boobily
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) February 6, 2023
3.
novels are so great. novels are like "i made up a little weirdo. oh no, now he's in trouble!"
— Gabrielle Moss (@Gaby_Moss) April 22, 2023
4.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company's invoicing portal and I can't delete it pic.twitter.com/Bxg8RRy4ha
— Amelia Tait (@ameliargh) May 5, 2023
5.
i’ve had sex with one british guy and he went “ooo that’s lovely” the whole fuckin time https://t.co/poJ5CjAeRo
— multitude container (@bartleby_era) May 4, 2023
6.
Was in Paris on Friday night and a handsome French man was flirting with me and I asked him what his name was and he said (very Frenchly) “Ah you will be disappointed” and I thought what a silly thing to say and then he said “it is Kevin” and you know what? I was disappointed.
— molly (@mollyEatsTofu) January 15, 2023
7.
Personally I never look up the lyrics to Hozier songs. It feels like an invasion of privacy. If Andrew wanted me to know the words he would’ve enunciated
— alli@Ellie Time😈 (@allisuncos) March 16, 2023
8.
— mia hughes (@AAAAAAAGGGHHHHH) March 21, 2023
Dad: "So I'm listening to Chain by Fleetwood Mac. You are in the privileged position of having this AND everything which followed. My question is do you have s..."
9.
Whenever I’m feeling down, I remember the company dinner when an intern turned to our CEO and asked, “Who are you?”
— Kat Lewis (@katjolewis) January 9, 2023
10.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
— erin chack (@ErinChack) June 2, 2023
kingpin: where's the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we've ever seen in a single body
11.
"They put porn on books now?!" like your mamas weren't buying titty fucking covers at B Dalton before you were even born. pic.twitter.com/y92zuAG5D7
— Cate Eland (@RomancingNope) June 27, 2023
12.
Every day it’s like “turns out this guy we thought was bare minimum fine is actually a huge piece of shit. Here’s where you can stream his upcoming project”
— big honkin caboose (@itsmegangraves) February 8, 2023
13.
Yet another friend has been struck down by teenage pregnancy. We're almost in our thirties but still...
— Krystle Zara (ROOTLESS is out now!) 🤩💚💜 (@krystlezara) January 13, 2023
14.
When my 2yo doesn’t want to talk anymore, she ends the conversation with “happy birthday” and walks away waving bye.
— Princess (@themultiplemom) May 8, 2023
15.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice pic.twitter.com/W5gALUpUcl
— jeeyonardo dicaprio 심지연 (@jeeyonshim) June 6, 2023
16.
This fine man was flirting with me and buying me drinks last night so I gave him my number and he gon say “I have a son.” I’m like ok? Then he goes “and I have a baby momma” I’m like duh. Then he says “and we together” … sir, why you ain’t just say “I have a gf” 😂😂😂
— DJ GOT.A.LOT (@DJGotALot) April 8, 2023
17.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because "was attacked by geese" is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, "Any more trouble with geese?"
— Elizabeth McCracken (@elizmccracken) June 2, 2023
18.
I asked my boyfriend did he feel like God blessed him when he gave him me & this man said “nah, more like God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers” LMFAOOOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😂😂😂
— 💓 Nicole Nicole 💓 (@niicole__nicole) February 16, 2023
19.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE pic.twitter.com/U3DFED21ec
— Kate Sidley (@sidleykate) June 7, 2023
20.
This is such bollocks. 41 years ago two irresponsible people had unprotected sex and now I have to get up in the dark and go to work.
— Kate Lister (@k8_lister) January 16, 2023
21.
when the waiter asks if u want to see the dessert menu: https://t.co/zGRF5WUSeP
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) July 13, 2023
22.
I’m deleting dating apps and going back to bed with my vibrator pic.twitter.com/jQ83oIlLfC
— abby govindan (@abbygov) March 6, 2023
Person 2: "That's fine"
23.
crazy how dudes can hold back tears for a lifetime but cum in 30 seconds
— soogsx (@soogz1) January 27, 2023
24.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life's short but now he's my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
— Lane Moore📚 (@hellolanemoore) May 20, 2023
25.
Yesterday, I spent about a good two hours cooking. I’m in there slicing, dicing, sautéing, and seasoning up a storm and babbbyyy when I tell you that shit was ass!!!! I’m going to go back to leaving feeding me up to the professionals.
— Dean Martin Laurence Fishburne (@Kyla_Lacey) June 19, 2023
26.
My sister has an original eames chair and this is how she uses it pic.twitter.com/2I26IZAznF
— tara, j.d. (@proletarat) June 3, 2023
27.
david attenborough: this is a baby seal, he is starving to death
— charly (@charlywhymn) July 6, 2023
me: :(
david: his mother has found food
me: :)
david: there is a polar bear nearby who will eat the pup
me: :(
david: the pup makes a lucky escape
me: :)
david: the polar bear will now starve
me: :(
28.
men b like She accused me of things that Are true grrrrrr
— ༺𖤐༻ (@G0REMAMl) May 15, 2023
29.
i hate when i’m trying to show my frens an amazing show and it starts off slow asf , like why are you embarrassing me ??
— ? (@aliyahInterlude) January 17, 2023
30.
No comment. pic.twitter.com/Rb0GndFWpo
— Lindsey Row-Heyveld (@LRowHeyveld) July 13, 2023
31.
I went on a date with a girl and we ran into her friend and she was like “just you two tonight? omg girls night!!!”
— big honkin caboose (@itsmegangraves) January 20, 2023
32.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
— Abigail Higgins (@abbyhiggins) February 8, 2023
33.
It’s brutal being a funny person on a dating app. I said an unusual skill of mine is that I can tie a cherry stem into a knot using just my hands and someone asked “but can you tie it with your tongue?”
— Andrea More (@amore_orless) April 27, 2023
34.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are "people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano" pic.twitter.com/fBjMrNNT60
— ex-Lethality Jane🌻 (@LethalityJane) June 7, 2023
35.
Hate it for the Swifties, but "your friend in her 30s broke up with the man she's been dating since her 20s, the man you ALL THOUGHT she'd marry, and now you have to deal with at least 18 months of her making the Most Unhinged Dating Choices Imaginable," IS a Phase of Life.
— Rachel Hawkins/Erin Sterling (@LadyHawkins) May 8, 2023
36.
the woman behind me at groundhog day at the old vic kept huffing “NOT AGAIN” every time the day restarted
— rebecca 🎭 (@stageyrebecca) June 24, 2023
my good sis what did you think this was about 😭
37.
love old American movies’ visual language where it’s trying to show ‘this guy’s lost it! he’s crazy! he’s totally out of control and might do anything’ and it’s a totally normal guy wearing a three piece suit except he has one lock of hair out of place and he’s not wearing a hat
— let’s try calling me ‘november’ (@AliceAvizandum) May 21, 2023
38.
They just asked me to make an excel document at work, omg they’re onto me 😭 pic.twitter.com/WkUxNNltw6
— AGD. (@TheLexGabrielle) January 19, 2023
39.
Thinking about the fratty guy at the Taylor swift concert who, upon walking into a men’s room full of women, went 🤙🤠🤙 “alright! Gender NEUTCH!”
— julia fiedler (@julia_fiedler5) June 14, 2023
40.
I told my husband I’m going to print off everything for my online class because I’m having trouble keeping it all organized when it’s just online, and he asked if I wanted a bowl of Werther’s. 😩
— Cora Harrington (@lingerie_addict) May 22, 2023
41.
Once an older man spoke up for me in a work meeting and later I told him I appreciated him being a good ally and he said “yeah, you gotta play the game” bc he thought I was proposing some Succession-type alliance
— Cartoons Hate Her! (@CartoonsHateHer) May 18, 2023
42.
I would not care if my husband cheated on me publicly with a friend nearly so much as I would care if my husband wore this hat. pic.twitter.com/aywv7aBzK3
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 20, 2023
43.
“can you explain the gaps in your resume?” yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 18, 2023
44.
The funniest thing about meds is when you stop taking them out of curiosity for a while to see if you are actually crazy and for a while you feel great and then one day you are like why does everyone in this grocery store HATE me
— Ash ☁️ (@H1TWOM4N) April 30, 2023
45.
in the club naming 5 things i can see 4 things i can feel 3 things i can hear 2 things i can smell and 1 thing i can taste
— samantha (@milkygoddess) June 11, 2023
46.
Every time I see this picture I feel a level of rage I can only describe as “misogyny but for men” pic.twitter.com/2K6grkhrZA
— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) January 25, 2023
47.
one time i had to take a drug test for work and they called me and were like so you tested positive for amphetamine and cocaine and i was like oh its ok im prescribed adderall and they were like yea….but the cocaine….. anyways i did not get the job 🙏
— feral rat k-hole girl (@legallyisisane) July 12, 2023
48.
many years ago, I had a meeting with my God son's teacher, she was worried about his speech development bc according to her " he NEVER speaks", I asked him - " Gabo, what's going on?" he looked up from his book & calmly said " Oh I just don't have anything to say to that woman"
— ر ت ت ت (@raniawrites) February 19, 2023
49.
my pregnant friend was shopping once and a strange woman put a hand on my friend's belly so my friend put a hand on her boob
— Nicole Lindsay is on 💖HIATUS💖 (@NicoleCLindsay) January 26, 2023
50.
At a school art fair and spent a while marveling at the depth of this 6th grader’s piece titled “feel the feeling” before I realized the painting had just slipped out of the cardboard frame and was on the floor below it pic.twitter.com/rbH00tNojK
— maura quint (@behindyourback) April 1, 2023
51.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
— chase (@_chase_____) June 21, 2023
52.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) April 24, 2023
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
53.
5yo; “Mommy, I think when I grow up, I might change my name to a grownup name because my name is a little kid’s name. Maybe I’ll use my middle name. My name is such a baby name! I want a grown up name when I’m a grown up.”
— Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) May 3, 2023
Reader, his name is HARVEY.
54.
Millennials watching Gen-Z post about how quaint the post 9/11 Bush years must have been pic.twitter.com/T9rFFnUq2A
— Sarah Solomon (@sarahsolfails) April 6, 2023
55.
it is beyond fucked up that restaurateur doesn't have an n in it
— no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) March 2, 2023
56.
Slow day. Gonna tweet something like "Geese Are The Ultimate Short Kings" and then come back to 400 comments, 6 death threats, and a Buzzfeed article just to feel alive.
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) March 10, 2023
57.
Not bbc news saying they went to the bbc for comment about the presenter scandal and the bbc told the bbc no comment 😭😭😭😭
— Hayley✨ (@hayleysoen) July 8, 2023
58.
POV: you’ve just walked into any given writers room in the 1990s pic.twitter.com/mnOXNqYgtf
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) January 12, 2023
59.
Just saw a terf claim trans women "don't know what it's like to be the daughter when a son is wanted" and BABE I got NEWS
— Nightling Bug 🗝️ (@NightlingBug) January 10, 2023
60.
me (not handling things) to my friend (also not handling things): I think you handled it perfectly
— delia (@delia_cai) June 11, 2023
61.
just unfollowed someone because she won’t stop posting her ugly boyfriend, I’m sorry you settled but I do not have to go down with this ship
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) June 18, 2023
62.
https://t.co/Qbfg4okgH8 pic.twitter.com/x9fQdtSuHR
— Hannah Menchhoff (@HannahMichaelaM) April 13, 2023
63.
i had to transcribe prison phone calls in college & the no.1 thing I learned was that if you’re in a gang you do NOT get severance if you go to prison. you are ON those phones! you are WORKING remote! 10 to 15 at a desk job baby! logistics! gang HR! and tbh it ran pretty smooth
— reb (@rebmasel) April 22, 2023
64.
I'm walking with my chihuahua and a guy on the street said "yo, Taco Bell dog got a hot mom" and that's the only catcalling I will tolerate.
— Lane Moore📚 (@hellolanemoore) April 15, 2023
65.
Some were yelling because quantum, some because physics, and some because Princeton, I will not tell you who was who
— Catherine Slaughter, M.Sc. 🔭 (@CatieSlaughts) June 15, 2023
66.
Doesn't feel like an oops at all. Feels fairly deliberate https://t.co/aLgSAnF24I
— lil pom poko jerk (@rajandelman) March 29, 2023
67.
having people in your life with real jobs is so humiliating. just called my brother and he immediately picked up like “hey is everything okay?” and I said “yeah I just wanted to chat :)” and he said “oh okay well. it’s the middle of the workday” my bad
— Gabrielle Drolet (@gabrielledrolet) July 6, 2023
68.
Wait. TJ Maxx is called TK Maxx in the UK? Did a copyeditor do this
— Erin Keane (@eekshecried) January 13, 2023
69.
i love when bands are like “we haven’t played our most popular three songs but we’re leaving the stage now…..don’t ask us to come back out….we won’t do it…..don’t even think about chanting…..”
— chase (@_chase_____) March 16, 2023
70.
my dad just sent me this venn diagram he made pic.twitter.com/iB0l5B3e3D
— Annie? Rauwerda? (@anniierau) February 12, 2023
71.
thinking about the guy who played BOB on "Twin Peaks" & how he was initially a set dresser... imagine showing up to work, wandering into a shot by accident & the boss is like "you are so scary & disgusting that this tv show is about you now"
— Gabrielle Moss (@Gaby_Moss) May 20, 2023
72.
"young people can't buy homes because they'd rather buy big fancy TVs"
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) February 7, 2023
I am begging older generations to understand that televisions have gone from "a thing that costs 4 months' salary" to "a thing you get for free when your roommate moves and can't be bothered to take it"
73.
you can tell she fucked all her friends husbands and doesn’t have any left because a real friend would have burnt this top!!! https://t.co/vYMo6XwIWO
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) May 18, 2023
74.
(walking up to don quixote) hi i’m a huge fan
— anna worm ✨🌸✨ @frogs4girls.bsky.social (@frogsforgirls) June 3, 2023
don quixote: *eyes narrowing* you’re a What?
75.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
— jax (@jaxajueny) February 23, 2023
76.
Beyoncé saying “I know you had it rough growing up but that’s okay I like it rough” is insane girl he need therapy not pussy
— ræ (@eatraelove) February 15, 2023
78.
flea’s litter box texting me whenever he pees or poops is where surveillance tech finally got me. im in the middle of the atlantic and i know my cat just pissed. it made me tear up. the future is so disgusting i shouldn’t have this
— jamie loftus 🌭 (@jamieloftusHELP) March 7, 2023
79.
never really understood why a bad bitch like miss piggy threw herself at that goofy green frog but there is something about a skinny musician that makes women lose their better judgement
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) February 28, 2023
80.
Investment advice: put brie on the counter before bed so it will be soft in the morning
— Jenny Nicholson (@JennyENicholson) April 12, 2023
81.
when u cant fall asleep and remember that one cringey thing you said in middle school pic.twitter.com/gNs6QEbxq3
— Abby Barr (@1AbbyRoad) March 16, 2023
82.
getting married in the really olden times was so nuts it was like bye mom bye dad see you guys literally never again. I’ll be two miles away
— empress sissi (@historicalfits) May 18, 2023
83.
once I was on a fancy dinner date having a cocktail with a little leaf in it. my date & I liked the drinks so much we ordered more. we then watched the bartender walk out to the sidewalk & pull leaves out of a grass patch growing near the road. then she brought us the new drinks.
— audrey (@saint_audrey) June 23, 2023
84.
As a Los Angeles babysitter I have seen children’s birthday parties that would make Bernie Sanders kill himself
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) June 14, 2023
85.
BIG BIG CHICKEN pic.twitter.com/Edo9TMuYo4
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 7, 2023
86.
it's actually crazy we figured out how to grow real diamonds that are cheaper and better quality than the real thing and so many people are still like, no thanks the suffering is what makes it special.
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) January 10, 2023
87.
My favorite Ed Sheeran song is the one where he’s like “personally, I’m a multimillionaire super star, but I really miss the shitty town I grew up in. Here’s a list of how shitty all my extremely poor friends are doing right now.”
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) April 15, 2023
88.
Love how you all are missing your 23 year old selves. I was 23 last year and I would shoot her with a gun
— J (@yikingtons) January 27, 2023
89.
2 for 2 pic.twitter.com/8vrFRihmsl
— emily(◕‿◕✿) (@emuhleepowurz) July 10, 2023
90.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, "my personal idea of progress is moving things forward," which is actually just the definition. everyone's nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it's clearly why trains explode
— stillorangecrushed (@stilloranged) February 15, 2023
91.
23 yr old just came up to me and said “hope it’s ok that I say this but I’m really into older women” so excuse me while I go kms
— abby govindan (@abbygov) February 4, 2023
92.
I don't think it will be intentional, but I do believe that somehow one day Lea Michele will die by Barbra Streisand's hand.
— Rachel Shukert (@RachelShukert) June 12, 2023
93.
HUGH GRANT JUST WHAT NOW?? pic.twitter.com/VHPN6Prvm5
— almond taylor-joy (@jesterbestie) July 11, 2023
94.
drama in the school whatsapp chat! the PTA invited us all to a coronation party and one of the dads (who's a professor of colonial history) said eat my dick
— Emma Szewczak (@EmmaSzewczak) May 3, 2023
95.
Never ceases to be funny that “All-Star,” sung by a group of super bro-y, burly dudes, includes the line “you’ll never shine if you don’t glow.”
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) February 7, 2023
It’s like they ran out of lyrics and a My Little Pony episode was on in the background.
96.
Lol my phone just put together a slideshow titled “animal friends” and it included a picture I took at the Atlanta aquarium of an otter sucking its own dick
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) January 9, 2023
97.
i'll see your "live laugh love" sign and raise you an "ew, people" pic.twitter.com/1UvXKcnAqr
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) May 24, 2023
98.
Copyeditors at the New Yorker be like “In my in-box there’s an e-mail from a teen-ager who won’t coöperate in the reëlection, instead focussing on his début Web site”
— Kristen Steenbeeke (@ksteenbeeke) June 27, 2023
99.
i already messed up… 2024 my year for sure
— Noor ✭ (@Noorthevirgo) January 1, 2023
Don't miss the funniest tweets by women last week:
...or the funniest tweets by women in June!
I Cannot Overstate How Completely, Totally, Wildly Hilarious These 50 Tweets By Women Are