99 Hilarious Tweets By Women That Survived Elon Musk's First Full Year At Twitter
"I told the bus driver he was hot when I got off the bus because life's short, but now he's my driver on the way back, too, so turns out life is long." —@hellolanemoore
The first half of 2023 has been great for funny tweets by women, so let's look back on 99 of the best this year so far:
Make sure you follow all these hilarious women on Twitter!
1.
i just watched a girl get a facetime call from her friend telling her she’s pregnant and she was like squealing “omg yay this is the best news i’m so happy for you” then she hung up and said “that is so fucked up” out loud to no one
— cassandra (@cassbwell) March 17, 2023
2.
gotta apologize to male authors because I just walked down the stairs and it turns out my chest did actually breast boobily
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) February 6, 2023
3.
novels are so great. novels are like "i made up a little weirdo. oh no, now he's in trouble!"
— Gabrielle Moss (@Gaby_Moss) April 22, 2023
4.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company's invoicing portal and I can't delete it pic.twitter.com/Bxg8RRy4ha
— Amelia Tait (@ameliargh) May 5, 2023
5.
i’ve had sex with one british guy and he went “ooo that’s lovely” the whole fuckin time https://t.co/poJ5CjAeRo
— multitude container (@bartleby_era) May 4, 2023
6.
Was in Paris on Friday night and a handsome French man was flirting with me and I asked him what his name was and he said (very Frenchly) “Ah you will be disappointed” and I thought what a silly thing to say and then he said “it is Kevin” and you know what? I was disappointed.
— molly (@mollyEatsTofu) January 15, 2023
7.
Personally I never look up the lyrics to Hozier songs. It feels like an invasion of privacy. If Andrew wanted me to know the words he would’ve enunciated
— alli@Ellie Time😈 (@allisuncos) March 16, 2023
8.
— mia hughes (@AAAAAAAGGGHHHHH) March 21, 2023
Dad: "So I'm listening to Chain by Fleetwood Mac. You are in the privileged position of having this AND everything which followed. My question is do you have s..."
9.
Whenever I’m feeling down, I remember the company dinner when an intern turned to our CEO and asked, “Who are you?”
— Kat Lewis (@katjolewis) January 9, 2023
10.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
— erin chack (@ErinChack) June 2, 2023
kingpin: where's the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we've ever seen in a single body
11.
"They put porn on books now?!" like your mamas weren't buying titty fucking covers at B Dalton before you were even born. pic.twitter.com/y92zuAG5D7
— Cate Eland (@RomancingNope) June 27, 2023
12.
Every day it’s like “turns out this guy we thought was bare minimum fine is actually a huge piece of shit. Here’s where you can stream his upcoming project”
— big honkin caboose (@itsmegangraves) February 8, 2023
13.
Yet another friend has been struck down by teenage pregnancy. We're almost in our thirties but still...
— Krystle Zara (ROOTLESS is out now!) 🤩💚💜 (@krystlezara) January 13, 2023
14.
When my 2yo doesn’t want to talk anymore, she ends the conversation with “happy birthday” and walks away waving bye.
— Princess (@themultiplemom) May 8, 2023
15.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice pic.twitter.com/W5gALUpUcl
— jeeyonardo dicaprio 심지연 (@jeeyonshim) June 6, 2023
16.
This fine man was flirting with me and buying me drinks last night so I gave him my number and he gon say “I have a son.” I’m like ok? Then he goes “and I have a baby momma” I’m like duh. Then he says “and we together” … sir, why you ain’t just say “I have a gf” 😂😂😂
— DJ GOT.A.LOT (@DJGotALot) April 8, 2023
17.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because "was attacked by geese" is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, "Any more trouble with geese?"
— Elizabeth McCracken (@elizmccracken) June 2, 2023
18.
I asked my boyfriend did he feel like God blessed him when he gave him me & this man said “nah, more like God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers” LMFAOOOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😂😂😂
— 💓 Nicole Nicole 💓 (@niicole__nicole) February 16, 2023
19.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE pic.twitter.com/U3DFED21ec
— Kate Sidley (@sidleykate) June 7, 2023
20.
This is such bollocks. 41 years ago two irresponsible people had unprotected sex and now I have to get up in the dark and go to work.
— Kate Lister (@k8_lister) January 16, 2023
21.
when the waiter asks if u want to see the dessert menu: https://t.co/zGRF5WUSeP
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) July 13, 2023
22.
I’m deleting dating apps and going back to bed with my vibrator pic.twitter.com/jQ83oIlLfC
— abby govindan (@abbygov) March 6, 2023
Person 2: "That's fine"
23.
crazy how dudes can hold back tears for a lifetime but cum in 30 seconds
— soogsx (@soogz1) January 27, 2023
24.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life's short but now he's my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
— Lane Moore📚 (@hellolanemoore) May 20, 2023
25.
Yesterday, I spent about a good two hours cooking. I’m in there slicing, dicing, sautéing, and seasoning up a storm and babbbyyy when I tell you that shit was ass!!!! I’m going to go back to leaving feeding me up to the professionals.
— Dean Martin Laurence Fishburne (@Kyla_Lacey) June 19, 2023
26.
My sister has an original eames chair and this is how she uses it pic.twitter.com/2I26IZAznF
— tara, j.d. (@proletarat) June 3, 2023
27.
david attenborough: this is a baby seal, he is starving to death
— charly (@charlywhymn) July 6, 2023
me: :(
david: his mother has found food
me: :)
david: there is a polar bear nearby who will eat the pup
me: :(
david: the pup makes a lucky escape
me: :)
david: the polar bear will now starve
me: :(
28.
men b like She accused me of things that Are true grrrrrr
— ༺𖤐༻ (@G0REMAMl) May 15, 2023
29.
i hate when i’m trying to show my frens an amazing show and it starts off slow asf , like why are you embarrassing me ??
— ? (@aliyahInterlude) January 17, 2023