I Can't Stop Cackling At These 50 Parents Who Prove Raising Kids Is 100% Not For Everyone
"Overheard my kids whispering outside my bedroom door and one of them said 'she hasn’t had coffee yet' and then they both backed away from my door and it was quiet again." —@kristabellerina
It's somehow November already! Another month gone, another reminder that having kids is the most humbling thing you can ever experience:
Showed my 7 year-old an Etch-a-sketch and said this is what Daddy played with growing up and this little angel asked me if it was a 'caveman iPad' and I am still in shambles
— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) October 9, 2023
Make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
My 2yo, Miguel, had taken off his diaper at some point during his nap and when I walked in and saw it on the floor, he looked at me and said: “WHY’D YOU DO THAT, MIGUEL?????”
— emily (@emilykmay) October 13, 2023
2.
Me to 8yo daughter: omg why are you like this?!
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) October 14, 2023
Husband: [slowly lifts mirror to my face]
3.
Overheard a mom alone with her 3 kids at the pumpkin patch say “guys we have to go or we will be late to Sky Zone”, that’s a lady who is paying the price to have the best sleep of her life.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 21, 2023
4.
My baby made me an imaginary pizza. I started eating it saying “mmmm it’s so good.”
— Voldemort (@ib_2cute) October 8, 2023
She said, “You didn’t take it out the box” pic.twitter.com/I9pKRJd0mP
5.
My 7yo has captured Monday energy perfectly.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 16, 2023
Today she woke up and said “mommy do you ever wake up and want to say bad words”
All the time baby girl. All. The. Time.
6.
I (43F) just had my son (17M) tell me, "You'll never appreciate Nirvana like I do," when a video of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" came on You Tube.
— Rachel Hawkins/Erin Sterling (@LadyHawkins) October 12, 2023
This is in zero parenting manuals.
7.
like a month ago i referred to one of the 2yo’s books as “the one where elsa and anna meet a baby moose” and she died laughing and was like no it’s a baby reindeer and now literally every day she goes “remember you made a mistake and said baby moose” like can i live
— Mary Ellen (@alissacaliente) October 11, 2023
8.
Turns out I’m raising a real New Yorker.
— Ben Furnas (@bfurnas) October 7, 2023
My 3.5 year old daughter just looked up while eating a plain white slice of American cheese and said, “I’m glad we live in Brooklyn, daddy, no other city has cheese like this.”
9.
Today a kindergartener walking in a line told me, "Good job drinking water!" when he saw me drink water. The line kept moving and every kid after him echoed a similar comment.
— Caitlin 🚗 🧀 Driscoll (@TeacherOnTopic) October 12, 2023
"It's healthy to drink water!"
"It's important to stay high-dated!"
And so on.
10.
me: good morning!
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 17, 2023
7 year old: one way to keep a robber from stealing your jewelry is to fill your house with tnt and when he breaks in to blow it all up. Oh...but then your jewelry and house blow up. Nevermind, that plan won't work. Can I have a waffle?
11.
My daughter decided that she wanted to contribute to tailgating so she made “peanut butter spoons”. What are peanut butter spoons you may ask? Just spoons with peanut butter on them. They were a big hit.
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 15, 2023
12.
not being a monster i threw said shoe back, to an equally quiet but far less devastated: oh! my shoe!
— Laura Elliott (@TinyWriterLaura) October 11, 2023
13.
My daughter is coloring at the kitchen table and she called me in and asked me to move this unicorn upstairs to her bedroom, as she “needs some quiet time away from him.” pic.twitter.com/lnMWESyAff
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 16, 2023
14.
my 9yo: isn’t it weird how cock has two meanings?
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 20, 2023
me:
9: yeah a rooster and… you know… um… like how you cock a gun.
me: *wipes sweat from brow*
15.
Podcasters be like “Hello Fresh is family friendly. Even my pickiest eater loves their spinach salmon truffle mac and cheese” like bitch why you lying.
— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) October 2, 2023
16.
A kids version of the “Saw” movie but they can only escape by eating a sandwich with the crusts on.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 18, 2023
17.
Whenever my 3yo says, "Mommy WUVS to have drinks for GROWN-UPS" I feel a mild stab of regret that we chose this term to discourage him from constantly asking to try my seltzer
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) October 24, 2023
18.
the “meet me in the restroom” was very forward for a 5th grader but then it makes sense when you find out she’s trying to throw hands
— ashley ray (@theashleyray) October 4, 2023
19.
Daughter got her first phone. Here is a list of the things she’s called me about:
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 9, 2023
-saw a cool bug
-made up a new song
-can we have ribs for dinner
-how do you spell suspicious
20.
gave baby her first bath yesterday, she pooped in the tub and when i picked her up to wipe her off she pooped on my hand. i keep telling her she’s not allowed to be a comedian, butt she’s clearly not listening.
— amber rollo (@ambercrollo) October 11, 2023
21.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) October 20, 2023
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
22.
Me: *holding on by my fingernails*
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) October 16, 2023
My kid’s school: Next week is dress like a trapezoid day.
Me: But why—
School: Also bring six small pumpkins.
Me: Can’t we just—
School: The bake sale starts at noon.
Me: So help me, I—
School: One word. JOGATHON.
23.
My 3yo came home from school mad that one of the boys poked her in the eye. I asked if she talked to her teacher about it and she said yes, but the teacher didn’t have a chance to address it because then the boy fell out of his chair and broke both his arms. Unsure if lies.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 5, 2023
24.
I’m so proud of my daughter for making this fox all by herself and also I’m never fucking sleeping again. pic.twitter.com/2HdoXhhpOF
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 2, 2023
25.
i was watching monsters inc with my niece and I was like “just wait for the bloopers they’re so funny” and then we watched to the end of the credits and… there were no bloopers. disney+… you have made a fool of me for the last time
— Shannon (@becomingcry) October 12, 2023
26.
My wife was trying to tell me a quick story and after the umpteenth time our kids interrupted her she said, “Nevermind, maybe we can talk again when they’re grown up,” and that about sums up being married with kids.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 12, 2023
27.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 23, 2023
28.
my sister often runs late, so my dad always tells her to arrive 30 mins earlier than she needs to. she caught on to this and started trying to arrive 30 mins late, but now she simply runs late beyond that. will my dad now set her even earlier meeting times? this could spiral
— Shaun (shaunvids on bsky) (@shaun_vids) October 23, 2023
29.
Overheard my kids whispering outside my bedroom door and one of them said “she hasn’t had coffee yet” and then they both backed away from my door and it was quiet again.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 18, 2023
30.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 24, 2023
31.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn't want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she's not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 5, 2023
32.
My kid keeps asking why we don't decorate outside for Halloween and I'm tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it....like "daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation," or "Check Engine light comes on"
— Shannon (@ShannonJCurtin) October 18, 2023
33.
why does he even need shampoo?? pic.twitter.com/TaBWwouOZk
— Adam (@adamgreattweet) October 26, 2023
34.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”
— angela “turns pastors into poets” weiler-hammond (@AngelaEWeiler) October 24, 2023
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
35.
Picked my oldest up from school an hour early, unplanned, with McDonald’s, because the video game he wanted for his birthday next week dropped today and I spent all morning downloading it and I couldn’t wait.
— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) October 24, 2023
He better put me in the *nicest* nursing home someday.
36.
Wrote something about a toddler having a tantrum at a store & a mom commented that toddlers shouldn’t have to endure trips to a store & that if moms made it fun & engaging tantrums wouldn’t happen. I can only assume that this “mom’s” kids are imaginary.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) October 18, 2023
37.
I will always and forever be staunchly PRO-BREASTFEEDING.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) October 3, 2023
Not because formula is inferior or cannot nourish a baby as well (I do not think this)
but for the sake of the MOTHER
because I believe in the SANCTITY of an AIRTIGHT EXCUSE to duck out of ANY GIVEN SOCIAL SITUATION.
38.
kid: daddy watch this
— The Dad (@thedad) October 26, 2023
me: ok
kid: *incomprehensible movements*
me: that was—
kid: I haven't finished yet *more confusing movements*
me:
kid: *out of breath* ok done
me: that was really great sweetheart
39.
My 4-year-old doesn’t have school on Mondays and she has been talking nonstop for 5 hours, and that’s why I didn’t even notice that the song she was singing for 15 minutes while we browsed Home Goods contained only the lyrics “If you get run over in the parking lot you will die”
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 23, 2023
40.
Update: per teacher feedback she is meeting her developmental milestones & her favorite activity is eating. https://t.co/YMfc9CZ9r0
— Ashley Winter MD || Urologist (@AshleyGWinter) October 21, 2023
41.
How do you get a teenager to stop talking back without also going to prison for life?
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 20, 2023
42.
My daughter wrote a story titled “my mom loves coke” but didn’t clarify it was the soda and now I’m nervous for parent-teacher conferences
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 1, 2023
43.
One of my students was not paying attention tonight. Walking around no shoes on all under the table I was like ma’am this is a university 🥴 pic.twitter.com/oX4MQjfHVv
— Chels Please! (@ChelsIsRight) October 19, 2023
44.
Today, one of my kids showed me her to do list organized by subject and urgency, and my other kid walked into the wall while trying to read a book.
— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) October 3, 2023
45.
When my parents and my kids FaceTime, my kids won’t answer my parents’ questions so I repeat their questions to my kids. Then my parents can’t understand what my kids say so I repeat their answers to my parents. A great time is had by all.
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) October 12, 2023
46.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn't know that was an option.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 11, 2023
47.
My 3yo doesn’t understand the concept of Halloween decorations and keeps dragging our skeletons inside to play with them. I told him it didn’t make sense to have Halloween decorations inside bc nobody can see them and he said, extremely seriously “they’re part of our family.”
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 17, 2023
48.
Currently, our only Halloween decor is a pair of homemade jack-o-lanterns.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) October 18, 2023
We walked past a neighbor's yard, decked for the holiday, and I said, "Look at the cute little ghost!"
"I wike that," my 3yo said cheerfully. "And I wike the wittle ghost we have at our house, too."
💀
49.
Child: I can't wait to be an adult.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 6, 2023
Me [shaving my ears]: Yeah it's great.
50.
I told my 12yr old she wasn't allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she's making crepes.
— MonsterKing (@CerromeRussell) October 7, 2023
Don't miss the funniest tweets by parents last week:
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