35 Tweets By Parents Last Month That Are So, So, So, So, Soooooo Outrageously Hilarious
"Filled out the paperwork for my daughter’s 1st passport and under 'employment' was told to write 'unemployed baby'" —@madelaine_lucas
January is somehow already over (!!!), which means we can FINALLY start 2024 in earnest. Time flies when everyone is sick.
January feels like such a false start. Like happy new year! Back to school! JK school is closed every single day and everyone you know is sick anyway
— girl fieri (@realgirl_fieri) January 23, 2024
Make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
trying to wake up ur mom without scaring the shit out of her (you will fail)
— kie (@criminalplaza) January 14, 2024
2.
A step-by-step guide to helping me in the kitchen:
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 25, 2024
1. Leave the kitchen
3.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, "The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying." what are the ODDS
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 14, 2024
4.
When my son was a newborn we went out to dinner and a woman stopped at our table all excited and said “I wasn’t going to have kids because I didn’t think I’d be able to go out, but you guys are out WITH your baby! So maybe I will!” and I sure hope she gave that some more thought.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) January 22, 2024
5.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) January 21, 2024
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
6.
99% of the time my Dad comes over he gives cash to my kids so now my son has associated cash with Grandpa. I didn’t realize he almost never sees me or his Dad use cash. Just now I was counting some cash @ the register & he said “that’s mine! Grandpa gave it to me!” pic.twitter.com/oVQaNpMLr5
— Why (@YungYinkv) January 25, 2024
7.
One of my favorite genres of internet content is parents explaining why their toddler is crying and the answer is things like "they're upset the sky is blue" or "they're mad I let them wear the clothes they asked to wear"
— Sarah Hollowell 🦝 (@sarahhollowell) January 27, 2024
Kids are beautiful, I love them
8.
My daughter forgot her Stanley at home today. Please pray for her hydration as she braves the barren water fountain lined halls of middle school without it.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 23, 2024
9.
My 4 year-old learned how to spot an EXIT sign in preschool and her teacher told her she was really good at it so now she points out EXIT signs to people everywhere we go. It’s the cutest way I’ve seen anybody tell someone it was time for them to leave.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) January 9, 2024
10.
Just offer to babysit a 3yo between 4pm-6pm https://t.co/M7YUBBlo4P
— sarah (@sarahradz_) January 26, 2024
11.
My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) January 18, 2024
12.
100% of the time I decide my kid is fine, send to childcare, we are at the pediatrician by noon. 100% of the time I keep them home they are fever free and finger painting the walls by 9am. I am just so, so bad at this. I need more time to make these calls! I need booth review!
— girl fieri (@realgirl_fieri) January 16, 2024
13.
13yo: mom, when you get a letter in the mail, what does it come in?
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) January 19, 2024
Me: … an envelope?
13yo: no, an ANNEvelope
14.
A game show called PICK UP THAT TOWEL, where a hook is wired to pay out a million dollars if anyone actually hangs a towel on it, and all the contestants are children.
— Audrey Burges (@Audrey_Burges) January 30, 2024
The pot is currently eleventy billion dollars
15.
Child [petting the dog]: When animals die do their spirits stay with us?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 25, 2024
Me: I’d like to think so.
Child: So that means right now we could be surrounded by spider ghosts.
Me: JESUS CHRIST
16.
Every time my teen says things like “I can’t tell the difference between Nirvana and Pearl Jam. They both sound the same,” a little piece of me dies.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) January 27, 2024
17.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) January 27, 2024
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
18.
apparently my 7yo was playing with her barbies next to the glass of bourbon my husband left out last night.... and a MASTERPIECE was born
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) January 27, 2024
i can’t tell if barbie is hitting a low point or is an inspiration to us all pic.twitter.com/K4zbR2cupI
19.
The only way a dad can ask for help finding something at Home Depot is if he first explains that this store is setup differently from his usual HD.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 13, 2024
20.
Me, trying to steer dinner table conversation away from the subject of flatulence: "Who do you think we might see at church tomorrow?"
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 20, 2024
My 3yo: "MAYBE A DINOSAUR!"
21.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
— am rod (@arod_twit) January 18, 2024
22.
dinner every night with my kids is like being a contestant on the iron chef. we bring the plates of food to 3 picky judges and they pick it apart with their words and forks for the next 20 minutes.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 23, 2024
23.
Me: Go back to bed, school was cancelled because of hazardous road conditions.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 29, 2024
Kids: Then why are you leaving?
Me: Work doesn't care if you die.
24.
Our 6 y/o daughter has asked for “just some extra sleep” for her birthday.
— Adam. (@YSylon) January 25, 2024
They grow up so fast.
25.
Today in my classroom
— Hannah Posts (@HannahPosted) January 24, 2024
Me: I almost didn't come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
26.
People often say parents only post the bad parts of parenthood online but that’s because it’s just really hard to explain why sometimes the best thing ever is getting into my bed and realizing my 3yo left his turtle stuffy tucked in there between my pillows.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) January 21, 2024
27.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) January 31, 2024
28.
People love to tell you to limit your kids screen time but what they don’t tell you is that this is the consequence of a 15 year old watching too much British baking competition. pic.twitter.com/UCIWA96hOq
— SlowBreak (@AverageJer) January 14, 2024
29.
Y’all keep canceling school that’s why my niece favorite color 3
— ∘ (@zacdose) January 16, 2024
30.
kids don’t care . they'll be like “ why you so ugly?” 😭 then do a cartwheel 🤸
— vxz 🍂 (@vxsjmz) January 18, 2024
31.
Filled out the paperwork for my daughter’s 1st passport and under “employment” was told to write “unemployed baby”
— Madelaine Lucas (@madelaine_lucas) January 23, 2024
32.
Health Advice when one kid is sick: keep them apart, don't share food, separate toys, sanitize everything
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 31, 2024
Me watching my baby stick his fingers into his 3yo brother's mouth and then into his own mouth while both boys laugh uproariously: ok cool
33.
This morning I was telling my daughter about all the bands I was in when I was younger, and she was like “wait, so there were *boys* in your bands?” I was like “yep” and she goes “I don’t understand, why would you want to have a boy in a band, what would they even do”
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) January 23, 2024
34.
3 year old declared “dragons are for the girlies” and my husband tried telling her “dragons are for everyone” but she is resolute: “no, for the girlies” 😂😂😂
— eli 🕯✨ (@nienna121) January 12, 2024
35. And finally, this one's for all the dramatic parents out there:
I said to my mum yesterday that she shouts my name too much. Her response was ‘one day you won’t hear my voice anymore. I’ll be dead and you’ll be happy’. ????????????????
— its my birthday x (@JRY1998__) January 23, 2024
Don't miss the funniest tweets by parents last week:
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