75 Parents Who Proved Raising Kids In 2023 Is 100% Chaos 100% Of The Time
"Mid-tantrum, 6-year-old paused to write MAMA and DADA, then crossed out both words. Shocked by his own cruelty, he crumpled the page muttering 'not nice of me.'" —@adremily
2023 was great for funny tweets by parents, so let's look back on 75 of the best jokes this year!
Make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
This little boy got in my car with the kids and I assumed it was one of their friends. I asked his name and introduced myself. He gets out of the car and my kids say “I don’t know that boy. I guess he just wanted a ride”. 💀💀💀
— Princess (@themultiplemom) June 14, 2023
2.
Mid-tantrum, 6yo paused to write MAMA and DADA, then crossed out both words. Shocked by his own cruelty, he crumpled the page muttering “not nice of me.”
— Emily Adrian (@adremily) May 23, 2023
3.
Me: *holding on by my fingernails*
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) October 16, 2023
My kid’s school: Next week is dress like a trapezoid day.
Me: But why—
School: Also bring six small pumpkins.
Me: Can’t we just—
School: The bake sale starts at noon.
Me: So help me, I—
School: One word. JOGATHON.
4.
5yo; “Mommy, I think when I grow up, I might change my name to a grownup name because my name is a little kid’s name. Maybe I’ll use my middle name. My name is such a baby name! I want a grown up name when I’m a grown up.”
— Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) May 3, 2023
Reader, his name is HARVEY.
5.
My baby made me an imaginary pizza. I started eating it saying “mmmm it’s so good.”
— Voldemort (@ib_2cute) October 8, 2023
She said, “You didn’t take it out the box” pic.twitter.com/I9pKRJd0mP
6.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 16, 2023
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
7.
I told my 12yr old she wasn't allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she's making crepes.
— MonsterKing (@CerromeRussell) October 7, 2023
8.
Today at pick-up, the childcare teacher informed me that my darling son was caught red-handed trying to eat another child's banana. She showed me the confiscated banana as proof. I looked over at him sternly, and caught him trying to eat yet another child's banana.
— sarah radz (@sarahradz_) July 21, 2023
9.
Just FYI if a DJ or children's entertainer tells you to "make some noise", never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they'll tell you that they can't hear you and you'll have to make even more noise
— Jack Bernhardt (@jackbern23) October 27, 2023
10.
NO PEPPA PIG! THEYVE IGNORED IMPORTANT SAFETY REGULATIONS! pic.twitter.com/a1jTDiTmBi
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) July 6, 2023
11.
My son just informed me it’s illegal for 9 year olds to eat broccoli.
— Kelly (@kelly__le) September 27, 2023
12.
So glad I helped 3 kids make 75 valentines for everyone’s trash cans.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) February 14, 2023
13.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) August 20, 2023
14.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
— Tada (@krystaunclear) May 22, 2023
15.
from the time he got to school & the time he started some bs is insane😭 pic.twitter.com/XvVleHg7Mi
— YC🐐 (@YCfavee) December 2, 2023
16.
My 7yo has captured Monday energy perfectly.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 16, 2023
Today she woke up and said “mommy do you ever wake up and want to say bad words”
All the time baby girl. All. The. Time.
17.
Made one of those cute white board signs for my sons first day of preschool. Left the room and came back and he’d erased it and drawn “a big building that’s on fire” instead. pic.twitter.com/RYUAtwy0uU
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 8, 2023
18.
I let my 17yo have a small(ish) party while I was out of town. His friends are a good group and wasn’t worried about any crazy behavior. We talked about how it went. And I said “next time..” he cut me off-“I don’t think there will be a next time. It took me like 3 hours to clean”
— Dawn Kasal Finley(she/her) 🖤 (@kasal_finley) March 22, 2023
19.
I heard a strange sound on the baby monitor so I went to check
— ❄️mari-lwyd odent❄️ (@oldenoughtosay) April 24, 2023
the dog is on the chair looking guilty and the baby has dog hair in his mouth
20.
PARENT PROTIP: Don't read that email from the school; save your energy for the follow-up with corrections they'll send in a few minutes.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 6, 2023
21.
Turns out I’m raising a real New Yorker.
— Ben Furnas (@bfurnas) October 7, 2023
My 3.5 year old daughter just looked up while eating a plain white slice of American cheese and said, “I’m glad we live in Brooklyn, daddy, no other city has cheese like this.”
22.
My daughter sent this text during the break of Day 2 of the bar exam. I’m going to go ahead and tell you, this guy not only is going to pass but he is going to make the most money in the room. pic.twitter.com/Aq2ADlBs0Z
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 27, 2023
23.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood I was trying to figure out which app to use to seek validation from strangers
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 6, 2023
24.
5 year old: Something happened in the kitchen.
— Laura (@laurawritesit) July 18, 2023
Husband: what was it?
5yo: A ghost was doing experiments.
Us: ................oh no
25.
Discovered my 6yo has been challenging my work colleagues to Words with Friends on my account and she solely plays with "fart" "poop" and "butt" words
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 17, 2023
...so it appears as though 𝙄 solely play with "fart" "poop" and "butt" words 😬
26.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) August 19, 2023
27.
why does he even need shampoo?? pic.twitter.com/TaBWwouOZk
— Adam (@adamgreattweet) October 26, 2023
28.
Giving my classroom gluesticks human names has been revolutionary. Does a student care if a glue stick goes missing? No! Do they care if DEREK the glue stick has not been returned? ABSOLUTELY. It’s like a manhunt until Derek has been returned to his rightful spot.
— Miss B (@MissBThe3rd) September 27, 2023
29.
Halfway through my kid’s crazy complicated Subway order, the guy asked “Where you going with this sandwich, man?”
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 20, 2023
30.
Showed my 7 year-old an Etch-a-sketch and said this is what Daddy played with growing up and this little angel asked me if it was a 'caveman iPad' and I am still in shambles
— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) October 9, 2023
31.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
— Frances Klein (@fklein907) July 14, 2023
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
32.
Today the 8 year old told me she deliberately spelled a word wrong in the last round of the school spelling bee because “if you lose you get a piece of candy, but if you win you just get a boring medal”
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) June 14, 2023
33.
love a 3 year old having the self-awareness to be like “yes i am being a prick but it’s NOT because of cartoons”
— chuck 🎄 (@charlubby) September 13, 2023
34.
My 3-year-old was BEGGING me to buy her something at the store, and I usually don’t give in, but I did this time because it was only 99 cents and it was this bunch of scallions pic.twitter.com/KSZjAxN24i
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) July 25, 2023
35.
My finest parenting moment is when I sent my son to daycare in a jean jumpsuit and then at pickup, his shy teacher whispered “the jean jumpsuit was a sensation” and informed me that word had spread throughout the school and teachers were traveling from other classrooms to see it
— Kim Quindlen (@kimquindlen) July 28, 2023
36.
When I was 8 I told kids I had an imaginary pet dragon and somehow I got turned into the school psychologist who made me attend mandatory therapy w her until she forced me to admit the dragon was fake and like…honestly, that was psycho behavior on her part
— Cartoons Hate Her! (@CartoonsHateHer) April 5, 2023
37.
Legit call from the school:
— who cares (@DianaG2772) March 8, 2023
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
38.
Toddler “I PEED IN THE POTTY! Do you wanna see???”
— Darby Stouffer (@DarbyStouffer) November 15, 2023
Husband: “In this house we believe women, you don’t have to show us.”
39.
me: It’s important to tell your parents everything.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 5, 2023
my 8yo: when mommy woke up this morning she looked 100 years old.
me: whatever you do don’t tell her that.
40.
postcard from child from camp pic.twitter.com/yOXRlIECfO
— flglmn (@flglmn) August 17, 2023
41.
Yet another friend has been struck down by teenage pregnancy. We're almost in our thirties but still...
— Krystle Zara (is writing book 2) (@krystlezara) January 13, 2023
42.
drama in the school whatsapp chat! the PTA invited us all to a coronation party and one of the dads (who's a professor of colonial history) said eat my dick
— Emma Szewczak (@EmmaSzewczak) May 3, 2023
43.
My 2yo, Miguel, had taken off his diaper at some point during his nap and when I walked in and saw it on the floor, he looked at me and said: “WHY’D YOU DO THAT, MIGUEL?????”
— emily (@emilykmay) October 13, 2023
44.
My son is named my Eli.
— Jerome Adams (@JeromeAdamsMD) July 14, 2023
My golf instructor is named Eli.
I texted my son to tell him to take the dogs and the trash out.
My golf instructor then texted me, “is 1030 tomorrow okay?”
I fired back a not so nice message… 🤦🏽♂️
45.
My baby ate meat for the first time yesterday & overnight her poop transformed from what appeared to be repurposed spinach to a completely vile, fetid paste & I've never more thoroughly considered becoming a vegetarian until this moment.
— Ashley Winter MD || Urologist (@AshleyGWinter) July 6, 2023
46.
it takes a village to protect the children pic.twitter.com/kLBhmhLTeI
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 23, 2023
47.
My son just let his girlfriend “borrow” his hoodie, should I tell him.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) November 3, 2023
48.
A little girl at Pride with her mouth stained BRIGHT red just passed with her family, looked directly at us, held up the drink her hand, and in the most feral voice imaginable exclaimed “I got JUICE!!!!” 😭😭😭
— Morgan Danielle 🩷💜🩵 (@imaginmatrix) June 25, 2023
49.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
— RandomSprint (@RandomSprint) June 24, 2023
In my 30s: That's called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
50.
I called a family meeting and my 8yo gone say, “is this a paid meeting”.
— Princess (@themultiplemom) July 17, 2023
I be positive parenting but children don’t be positive childrening.
51.
They changed our school start time from 8:05 to 8:06 for this year.
— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) August 20, 2023
…
52.
One of my students was not paying attention tonight. Walking around no shoes on all under the table I was like ma’am this is a university 🥴 pic.twitter.com/oX4MQjfHVv
— Roll Tide Ho 🐘🐘 (@ChelsIsRight) October 19, 2023
53.
I told my 3yo Elliot I saw a deer in our yard & he goes “I’ll tell the other Elliots” and I laughed, then later he explained he said that bc in an ep of Thomas a diesel train named Diesel said “ill tell the other diesels” which is smart but also how confusing must it be to be 3
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 3, 2023
54.
Whenever my 3yo says, "Mommy WUVS to have drinks for GROWN-UPS" I feel a mild stab of regret that we chose this term to discourage him from constantly asking to try my seltzer
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) October 24, 2023
55.
Sex ed for teens should include loading kids, stroller, and groceries/sports equipment into the car while it’s pouring rain.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 24, 2023
56.
my sister often runs late, so my dad always tells her to arrive 30 mins earlier than she needs to. she caught on to this and started trying to arrive 30 mins late, but now she simply runs late beyond that. will my dad now set her even earlier meeting times? this could spiral
— Shaun (shaunvids on bsky) (@shaun_vids) October 23, 2023
57.
The baby’s sleep is so bad that I am tempted to ask the Facebook moms for help. I AM NOT GOING TO. BUT THAT’S HOW BAD THINGS ARE.
— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) November 5, 2023
58.
My kid drew a duck riding a spaceship. pic.twitter.com/swFRLyReSV
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 12, 2023
59.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) July 4, 2023
60.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) May 21, 2023
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
61.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 31, 2023
62.
yesterday kiddo woke up from his nap crying, then fell asleep on me while we rocked on his chair. when he woke up again he said "count the mommies," first pointed to the corner in the dark, said "one!" and then at me and said "two!" so that's been on my mind a bit
— o tarynbaum, o tarynbaum 🌲 (@peepsaregood) June 15, 2023
63.
There was a hostage situation at my daughter’s 3 hour dance recital. It was me, I was held hostage.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 27, 2023
64.
At a school art fair and spent a while marveling at the depth of this 6th grader’s piece titled “feel the feeling” before I realized the painting had just slipped out of the cardboard frame and was on the floor below it pic.twitter.com/rbH00tNojK
— maura quint (@behindyourback) April 1, 2023
65.
Stevie Wonder: “Isn’t she lovely” is about the birth of my child.
— Kevín (@KevOnStage) June 3, 2023
Us: This is a wedding song.
66.
my kid turned 15 seven minutes ago and the first thing he did was call his buddy, who is 4 days younger than him, and said "how does it feel to be 14, idiot?"
— Sen. Lemon Gogurt ugarles.bsky.social (@Ugarles) July 19, 2023
67.
My 3yo came home from school mad that one of the boys poked her in the eye. I asked if she talked to her teacher about it and she said yes, but the teacher didn’t have a chance to address it because then the boy fell out of his chair and broke both his arms. Unsure if lies.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 5, 2023
68.
why do I bother sterilising milk bottles when my kid just licked the floor of Tesco
— ❄️mari-lwyd odent❄️ (@oldenoughtosay) August 22, 2023
69.
Now that my kid is in high school, I’m trying to be his silent sideline support system, but last night he told me his English teacher is making him put 2 spaces after a period, and HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT INTERVENE?!?
— Sara Moore Wagner (@SaraMooreWagne1) September 27, 2023
70.
My husband told me to lock my bedroom door so I could have a little break. 5 was very concerned that I might not know who was knocking and saying Mama every few minutes, so he slid this under the door. “It’s me, Mom. Your son.” pic.twitter.com/XJGp6PxXia
— kindminds_smarthearts (@kindminds_) September 2, 2023
71.
10: dad, close your eyes and open your mouth
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 9, 2023
me: well that's definitely a no.
72.
This morning my 3yo was mad and told me he wanted a different mama and I said “what kind of mama do you want?” And he said “one who wears a black suit”. I think about the ways I’m failing as a parent a lot but I hadn’t even considered that it’s bc I don’t have a black suit.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 9, 2023
73.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 27, 2023
74.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”
— angela “turns pastors into poets” weiler-hammond (@AngelaEWeiler) October 24, 2023
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
75.
Picked my oldest up from school an hour early, unplanned, with McDonald’s, because the video game he wanted for his birthday next week dropped today and I spent all morning downloading it and I couldn’t wait.
— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) October 24, 2023
He better put me in the *nicest* nursing home someday.