These 50 Hilarious Tweets By Women Brought The World So Much Joy Last Month, And Elon Can Never Take That Away From Us
"it happened to me: i finally answered an email i had been putting off & the person responded right away & now i'm back to square one" —@sarahroseetter
Hot Union Summer is coming to an end, but not before another contender enters the ring! I hope you'll join me in supporting the VFX crews at Walt Disney Pictures!
BREAKING: Visual Effects (VFX) crews at Walt @Disney Pictures have filed with the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB) to unionize with backing of @vfxunion.
— IATSE // #IASolidarity (@IATSE) August 28, 2023
This marks only the second time in history VFX pros have joined together, with the first being earlier just this month. pic.twitter.com/9PCUSMJ6YS
Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
1.
obsessed with my dog. I spilled soup on the ottoman like a year ago and she got to lick some of it up, now sometimes i’ll walk into the living room and she is licking the ottoman just in case there’s soup on it again, magically
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) August 17, 2023
2.
in my manic pixie dream girl era (carrying a bunch of carrots down the street by the leaves because i forgot my grocery bag in the car)
— taylor garron (@taylorgarron) August 12, 2023
3.
We scheduled a bulk pick up because we had a lot of trash from moving but we only had one trash bin, so I put the rest in the recycling bin but put a sign on it that said “trash for bulk pick up” and…they threw my entire recycling bin in the garbage truck and crunched it up???
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 16, 2023
4.
Just remembered that the alternative to being unemployed is having a job pic.twitter.com/tg4BZDg9to
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) August 16, 2023
5.
IF Hailey Bieber is also Hailey Baldwin, then my fear that there are too many famous Haileys was unfounded.
— Kilmartin: Seattle Telluride Cincy (@anylaurie16) August 31, 2023
6.
girl on the train wearing a baby t that says “MATH SLUT” in pink sequins
— lexaprofessional (@queasy_f_bby) August 26, 2023
7.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn't do it and my french teacher said 'it's okay you're not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent' and i could not breathe omg
— hazel (@hazelrosedee) August 16, 2023
8.
RIP Jane Austen. You would have loved the ability to Zillow someone's house.
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) August 15, 2023
9.
spring:
— warm human (@w000rm) August 16, 2023
depressed in a hopeful way
summer:
depressed in a manic way
fall:
depressed in a nostalgic way
winter:
depressed in a depressed way
10.
when two men have a podcast pic.twitter.com/ZbZ71bl5wM
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) August 13, 2023
11.
I asked a question in a meeting and no one answered so I said “Bueller?” and my colleague said “there’s no one here by that name here”. Please send wine and a headhunter to my hole in the ground.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 3, 2023
12.
Met some people who worked at an Escape Room and their most hated customer was a guy who would take all his dates there and pretend he was a genius
— Eade (@eade_bengard) August 21, 2023
13.
5yo: Can you text your dad?
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 15, 2023
Me: Like me, personally?
5yo: Yeah, you can’t text your dad, right?
Me: … right.
5yo: Because he’s dead.
Me: … correct.
14.
told my 20 year old coworker I was 25 and he said “oh shit so you were alive during 9/11? respect” and dapped me up. i love him
— i hate you eric adams (@sonyashea3) August 11, 2023
15.
Just walked past a group of lads and one of them said “the problem is not enough head” and I was like ugh men are DISGUSTING but it turned out they were just talking about draught beer
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) August 3, 2023
16.
I’m so excited to turn 24. It’s the youngest age 30 year old famous men are allowed to date without getting in trouble. It’s gonna be a big year for me!
— meg “Yooper” bitchell (@MeganBitchell) August 5, 2023
17.
New neighbor came over and introduced himself with a bottle of wine.
— Princess (@themultiplemom) August 12, 2023
I told him we’ll have to have a glass with my husband.
He gone say “I thought that was your brother and y’all had a daycare”. pic.twitter.com/LiUeC90Sjq
18.
it happened to me: i finally answered an email i had been putting off & the person responded right away & now i'm back to square one
— sarah rose etter (@sarahroseetter) August 14, 2023
19.
the first time i did poppers i was with hesse and we were trying to do the “lena dunham challenge” (where u do poppers and eat a whole cheesecake) and the moment i inhaled she said “you have no idea how many brain cells you just lost” and it was the worst 45 seconds of my life.
— a beautiful woman 💕✨👄🦷 (@full_legal_name) August 17, 2023
20.
My mom teasingly asked me if someone I was hanging out with lately was my girlfriend and it just felt really validating because it was one of the first times you ever directly acknowledged my sexuality without judgement… and then I had to admit I had no game or girls
— Xiao (@velsmells) August 13, 2023
21.
it’s so funny when old people severely underestimate the youth’s awareness of things that are not even that old. like someone asked me “you know this song?” and it was smooth criminal by michael jackson
— em 🍓 (@uhhmmily) August 3, 2023
22.
in a weird place mentally. i hope sitting inside for the next 48 hours fixes it
— chase (@_chase_____) August 13, 2023
23.
yelling “sing, my angel of music” to the frog loudly croaking outside my window
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) August 11, 2023
24.
thinking about the fact that Lady took a large americano and a donut straight to the dome every morning… girl must have been digging holes in the yard for an entire 9 hour shift after this pic.twitter.com/t47M0A4CpC
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) August 12, 2023
25.
idk how to describe it but when the vet gives the dog our last name for clarification, it’s too silly. Like yes, my dog’s last name is technically mine, but her last name should just be “the Dog”
— lea chin-sang (@bigfatmoosepssy) August 1, 2023
26.
did medieval guys get freaked out by people who were five years younger than them? when i meet anyone under the age of 28 (i am 33) i'm like "nooo i'm so old did u even have CDs 😭." were medieval guys like "omg you were NOT born in 1432! not my old ass being born in 1426"
— libby watson (@libbycwatson) August 15, 2023
27.
every woman wears the hat of research director for her best friend
— Charlotte Robertson (@charhrobertson) August 10, 2023
28.
I went out w an italian guy once and he only liked super sweet gross alcohol and when I asked why he said “I am uh… how you say… poooosy?” https://t.co/zhkXgr0tto
— faboolah (@azninthesun) August 12, 2023
29.
Clothing: hand wash only
— Meredith Ireland (@MeredithIreland) August 15, 2023
Me, tossing it into the washer: may the odds be ever in your favor
30.
I finally got a photo of the unhinged ER sign near me pic.twitter.com/Dlp3QxDE9C
— Elizabeth Blackstock (@eliz_blackstock) August 3, 2023
31.
I hate when a man is a loser and you can tell nobody has ever told him he’s a loser
— Des (@dandysm0tt) August 11, 2023
32.
Have never identified more with anyone than I just did with the woman who walked into the grocery store in front of me, shook her head, said “I can’t be making these kinds of decisions today” and walked right back out
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) August 31, 2023
33.
the people who should get into standup are spin class instructors these people are out here at 6:30am giving 110% to absolute dead silence just no response nobody is better prepared for open mics than this group
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) August 10, 2023
34.
NOOOO MY CARDIGAN pic.twitter.com/82SeDKF98Y
— ashley ⭐️ ⎕ (@fragileliness) August 12, 2023
35.
A lady in a mom group I’m in posted that she’s pregnant and wants to name her daughter Eieoie and the moms in the comments are ruthless and posting the lyrics to Old MacDonald Had a Farm 😭😭
— e 🕯✨ (@nienna121) August 6, 2023
36.
Donald Trump is expected to surrender to Fulton County authorities tomorrow, where he will be fingerprinted and have his mug shot taken. When it comes out, I don’t want to see anyone being mean to wine mom boomer liberals. Just let them have this.
— Moira Donegan (@MoiraDonegan) August 23, 2023
37.
brb, losing my absolute shit over a scenario I made up in my head
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) August 9, 2023
38.
last night i tried to torrent The Tumblr Movie (red white & r*yal blue) & sat through like ten minutes of characters doing drugs before i realized i accidentally downloaded a movie called red white and blue instead which is. a violent revenge film where a guy gets skinned alive pic.twitter.com/FvlIUWRBbA
— hannah 🔞🪿 SPOILERS (@pirategrime) August 13, 2023
39.
me: i would like to reformat a footnote
— kate wagner (castle era) (@mcmansionhell) August 22, 2023
microsoft word: k*ll yourself
40.
ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to look at three or four screens at once
— confidence activist isidor rabi (@ali_sivi) August 25, 2023
41.
Lmaoo my barista asked me what my shirt was and I said Taylor Swift and then he asked me if I went to the concert and what era I dressed as, and when I said Fearless he said “I don’t know what that is, I just know that’s a question you should ask” ahxjwnsnskskjabsjaksjan adorable
— Cristina 🍣 (@TheBookofTaylor) August 15, 2023
42.
"wow youre like, really into ani difranco" oh i guess people arent allowed to be bisexual anymore
— ashley ray (@theashleyray) August 27, 2023
43.
Sure, sex is good but have you ever been right? pic.twitter.com/3CJs2VXk8L
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) August 15, 2023
44.
I don’t do crowdwork anymore. The last time I did it, I told a man he was bold for coming to my show with his mom. He said she was his girlfriend. I congratulated her on having a younger boyfriend. They were the same age.
— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) August 19, 2023
45.
it's not that I think I'm too smart to ever get sucked into a cult, it's more that I know I am unwilling to participate in anything even resembling a group project under any circumstances
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) August 21, 2023
46.
Oh wait hang on. I think Mozzarella Sticks is the name of their dog. Either way, a fine alternative.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) August 21, 2023
47.
Casually said that I hope Beyoncé brings her tour back to Europe and my Mam instantly replied, "Amy, you're 31, you should be hoping interest rates come down" pic.twitter.com/i2aSQJfk5o
— ⭐ amy o'connor ⭐ (@amyohconnor) August 15, 2023
48.
I was walking my husky when a great dane saw her and gave an almighty "WOOF!"
— Verity Holloway (@Verity_Holloway) August 20, 2023
The owner, basically at eye-level with the dog: "Julio! I don't want to hear it."
49.
Italian couple fighting in front of me and the guy is holding two ice creams so the girl can move her hands around while shouting
— mariana (@pastapilled) August 18, 2023
50. And finally, this one's for a select few readers who might wanna consult with the ol' noodle before commenting:
i think one of the biggest problems plaguing joke literacy right now is that people would rather believe a woman is stupid than kidding
— Gabrielle Drolet (@gabrielledrolet) August 16, 2023
Don't miss the funniest tweets by women in July...
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...or the funniest tweets by women in 2023 (so far)!
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