Everything I know about Supernatural, I know because of Tumblr.
Besides that, I had absolutely no context for the characters, the setting, or the plot.
I asked a friendly Supernatural guru what random episode I should watch and she told me to go for Castiel's introduction.
So here we go. Season 4, Episode 1: "Lazarus Rising"
•From Tumblr I know that there's a long-haired brother and a short-haired brother, and we begin with short-haired brother having ominous flashbacks to his time hanging out with the cenobytes from Hellraiser. That's where he is, right? What with the hooks in his flesh and the creepy voices? I really liked Hellraiser, so I'm guessing I'll like this show.
•Now he's woken up and he's in a coffin. Why is he using a lighter to see when he's in a coffin? I feel like the oxygen situation would become a lil dire after a few minutes of that, buddy.
•Oh never mind, he's doing that thing from the last scene of Carrie where he pops out of the grave all dirty. This is a horror show, right? I didn't think to check the genre before I got myself into this.
•Now that he's out of his grave, he looks like every handsome guy I didn't have a crush on in college. He looks like he rushed Beta and pays like 10 bucks for a haircut, maximum.
•He's breaking into a gas station, which furthers my hypothesis that he's a hellbro. Maybe from Iowa or something.
•Wait, he's robbing the place. And the electronics are going crazy like in The Twilight Zone. (This is a horror show. Is this a horror show?)
•"Oh I'll just pour salt on a window that will solve my problem," —a Hellbro
•DEAN. DEAN, THAT'S HIS NAME. Hi Dean! You're cute.
•He's trying to prove he's a person and not a demon zombie by cutting himself with a silver knife? That's a bit dramatic. There has to be an easier way. Is he always like this? Dramatic?
•"That don't make a lick of sense," says Bobby in reference to Dean crawling out of his grave. Bobby is the only person who makes a lick of sense on this show. So far.
•I don't understand why these guys can throw around demons and revenants (whatever those are) but are apparently 100% weirded out by someone coming back from the dead. Like, you fight demons. D.e.m.o.n.s.
•Now he's meeting this other hot guy who I'm preeeeetty sure is long-haired brother, but also might be his boyfriend, which is weird but idk I watch Game of Thrones so I can't judge.
•OK, definitely just brothers. Relax, Tumblr.
•The first truly scary thing I see in this episode is a second-generation iPod. Wowza.
•"Don't douche her up," says Dean, who is the kind of guy who will say stuff like "douche her up." About a car.
•I wonder how many of the plots on this show involve women being attracted to ~both of the brothers~. No, I really do wonder.
•This psychic woman is chanting "show me your face" over and over and all I can think is someone chanting "show me your boobs," which is really awful but that's the level of WTF I've been expecting from this show so.
•Aaaand now she's blind, which makes me feel bad about what I just typed.
•Fictional. She is fictional. Stop feeling bad.
•OK so the only thing we know about Castiel is he burns peoples' eyes out, and now the Winchester brothers want to run right after him. Is my current overwhelming feeling of "no, stop that, don't do it" consistent with the tone of this show? Is this i—
•DID HE JUST SAY PERKY NIPPLES?
•I'm sold on this show.
• How did these two randos end up with all of this power? They look like they should be working in a hardware store swapping tales of high school football glory, not battling with the occult on the daily. Do you weep for the lives you could have had, Winchesters?
•He just slapped that demon lady in the FACE. Slappity slap slap. That's how he solves his problems. I'm definitely going to keep watching this show.
•What's with Sam's leopard-print sheets? Are those explained or nah?
•Am I hallucinating? Am I dead? I've asked myself twice since I started this episode.
•Wow, this show does NOT dick around with its fistfights; this shit is brutal.
•Why is everyone choking up black smoke like, ew, can you not. This is so gross ew.
•Speaking as someone who has spraypainted indoors before (a mistake, I assure you), there's no way that Dean didn't knock his ass out spraying all that stuff in a bunker like that.
•Also don't light any incense in there. Paint fumes, bruh.
•Now that the ritual is beginning, that flapping tin roof is serving to aerate the building, thus decreasing the volume of fumes built up in the chamber. Science.
•Who is this guy now? He's neither Sam nor Dean, though I initially mistook him for both. No really, does everyone on this show look kind of the same? It's like Frozen all over again; we need to design more diverse male characters or something.
•Oh THIS is Castiel! Hi Castiel.
•"I'm an Angel of the Lord," says a bog-standard looking dude who hasn't shaved since Tuesday. OK bro. Oooook.
•Why is this angel asking, "What's the matter??" Everything is the matter. Literally all things are the matter on this show, there is nothing that is not the matter.
•And — BAM — that's the end of the episode.
Closing thoughts: Supernatural is every bit as weird, ambiguously gay, violent, WEIRD, and awesome as anticipated.
I'm into it.