If Cinderella Were Cuban-American
Once upon a time, in the county of Dade...
1. Her stepsisters, Caro and Other Caro, would've gone to Coconut Grove without her.
2. Her evil stepmother, Madreslaysis, would've yelled at Cinderella if she dared to clean while her favorite novela was on. (She can't get enough William Levy, after all.)
3. Cinderella would befriend lizards and small wild parrots.
4. The prince's ball would take place at Vizcaya, Miami's very own palace.
5. Cinderella's lizard and parrot friends would've made her a lovely dress, using sewing materials from her cookie tin.
6. But her stepsisters would call her "some randa," ridicule her dress, and force her to stay home!
7. Cinderella would cry onto her pillow, and the Miami humidity and tears would make her hair totally frizzy.
8. Her fairy godmother would appear: Celia Cruz!
9. Celia's salsa remix version of "Bippity Boppity Boo" would, of course, feature Pitbull and DJ Khaled. #dale #lionorder
10. Celia would transform a plain old malanga into a beautiful stretch limo with diamond rims fit for a princess!
11. For a dress, Celia would've spun palm fronds into a shimmering fabric to make a bodycon dress with plunging neckline. So chic!
12. Celia would have deftly transformed one of Cinderella's lizard friends into a chauffeur for her beautiful new limo.
13. Cinderella's little parrot friends would become her entourage, all dressed in brightly colored mini-dresses.
14. As for Cinderella's shoes, well…Celia would've conjured a dazzling pair of diamond heels. One of a kind, bro!
15. "Now, fíjate," Celia would warn, "you have to return home before midnight or else you're going to be left with a real arroz con mango."
16. As Cinderella rode off into the night with her limo and entourage, DJ Laz would blast on the radio. WHAT A NIGHT!
17. At the palace, the prince would be so bored, staring at all the viejitos playing dominos and smoking cigars.
18. Cinderella would be stuck in traffic for a bit because, after all, she's trying to head out in Miami on a weekend.
19. The evil step-Caros would try to get the prince's attention, grinding to reggaeton on the dance floor, but the prince wouldn't care a bit.
20. Cinderella would honestly still be stuck in traffic.
21. Yup. Still in traffic.
22. The prince would sip a mojito and wonder if the DJ had any old-school Trina songs he might play.
23. And then, speaking of Diamond Princesses, Cinderella would arrive at the ball!
24. Her eyes would wander over to the prince, so handsome in his guayabera, the moonlight glinting off his perfectly gelled hair.
25. The Caros and Madreslaysis would be jealous AF and giving Cinderella the evil eye, but luckily, Celia the fairy madrina made sure to accessorize Cinderella with an eye charm bracelet, purchased at a Dadeland Mall kiosk.
26. Cinderella and the prince would flirt shyly while eating croquetas and little pastelitos.
27. Everyone at the ball would gaze in wonder as Cinderella and the handsome prince danced romantically to "Solamente Una Vez," by Luis Miguel.
28. Cinderella would be so entranced while dancing with the prince that she wouldn't hear the "Ay Chico (Lengua Afuera)" cell phone alarm she had programmed to remind her it was nearly midnight.
29. As the clock struck 12, Cinderella would dash away into the night, losing one of her beautiful diamond stilettos in the damp Miami grass.
30. She would reach her gleaming limo, only to watch it turn back into a malanga.
31. She would be consoled by her friends, now transformed back into lizards and parrots, and would have to take an Uber home, which was going to be SO expensive.
32. ...But she'd figure she could charge the Uber to her stepmother's account. Why the hell not, you know? She owed her at least that much.
33. The prince would be distraught over Cinderella's hasty exit, wondering why she didn't even stop to kiss each of the 500 guests twice on the cheek before leaving.
34. He would walk out and see the single shimmering stiletto on the dark grass, the whole night smelling like jasmine blossoms and the humid breeze whispering through the banyan trees.
35. But he would be determined to find her, placing an announcement in the Miami New Times and promising his hand in marriage to the girl who could wear the sparkling stiletto.
36. Not wanting to leave anything to chance, he would also paint a mural of Cinderella's likeness in Wynwood, showing her wearing only one of her diamond shoes.
37. The Caros and Madreslaysis would plan to join the throng of women lining up to try on the shoe, locking Cinderella away in her room so that she couldn't come.
38. Cinderella would cry, prompting one of her little lizard friends to run up Other Caro's legs, causing her to scream and drop the key...
39. ...which would then have been picked up by a parrot, who'd fly it over to unlock the door (don't even ask me how, bro, it was a MISSION), setting Cinderella free.
40. She'd rush over to the prince's home on South Beach, where, of course, the shoe would fit perfectly, much to both their delights.
41. The prince would plan a giant pachanga with a caja china and all the Iron Beer your heart could ever want!
42. And they would live happily ever after. Supposably.