If for whatever reason you've fallen out of the exhausting British politics loop — or were never part of it to begin with – you should know there's a little competition underway.
Oh, it's nothing major — just a race to select the next leader of the Conservative party, and subsequently Britain's next prime minister, who will lead negotiations to leave the European Union, hopefully without bringing the country to its knees.
As the race hots up, what better way to bring you all up to speed than by borrowing from a competition that millions of Britons actually care about: Love Island.
Yes, politics and reality television.
What could possibly go wrong?
So to begin with, just like the villa, the Tory leadership competition was a full house. There were guys. And there were women too. A total of 10 people tossed their names in the ring in the hope of getting the keys to Downing Street.
Which is a bit like getting the keys to the Hideaway. That's where islanders go to "do bits" without people watching their every move.
After the first round, the 10 candidates were whittled down to six.
Last night on Love Island, contestants Joe and Elma were sent packing in a double elimination following a public vote. It was pretty brutal.
On political Love Island, Dominic Raab was dumped after failing to turn the heads of 33 Conservative MPs. Yep, he got pied.
And just like that, there were just five men left standing.
So, let's take a closer look at these remaining contenders, shall we? And sorry, no, it's none of these guys.
It's this lot.
The five remaining contenders gathered around to participate in the equivalent of a Love Island challenge on the BBC. Each man took questions from the general public about how they plan to make this country make sense.
Probably would have been easier to take on an obstacle course, but there you go. 🤷🏾♀️
The frontrunner is Boris "Factor 50" Johnson, whose past roles include London mayor and foreign secretary.
Michael "Bev" Gove, the environment secretary.
Jeremy "100% Your Type on Paper" Hunt, who is the current foreign secretary after some turbulent years as health secretary.
Sajid "It Is What It Is" Javid, the home secretary who isn't always invited to things.
Finally, Rory "Can We Have a Chat" Stewart, the international development secretary who wants to, err, shake and not stir the competition.
Got a text!!!!!!!! Tonight there will be another elimination. #YouveBeenDumped #VoteOfNoConfidence
On Wednesday afternoon, all 313 Conservative MPs will be expected to take part in a secret ballot in the Houses of Parliament, aka the villa, where they will cast their votes for who they want to remain in the competition. The MP with the lowest number of votes will be eliminated.
If this were Love Island, we'd get a slo-mo of the Flack strutting in to deliver the news.
The Conservatives get this woman, Dame Cheryl Gillan, the vice-chair of the 1922 committee.
GOT A TEXXXXXXXXXT!!!! Yes, another one.
Conservative MPs will continue to vote in additional ballots scheduled for tomorrow between 10am and 12pm with a result at 1pm, and another vote between 1:30pm and 5:30pm with the result at 6pm. Voting continues until only two candidates are left.
And then, finally, the power will be in the hands of the public. Well, the section of the public who are paid-up members of the Conservative party.
With the competition over, the eliminated islanders will be free to resume their political careers.
As for the winner, they'll need to get grafting. They've got a deadline to agree a deal or no-deal by Oct. 31. (This is absolutely a gateway for a future post in which I will attempt to explain Brexit as the game show Deal or No Deal.)
And there you have it — democracy, everybody.
