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19 Questions I Have For The Little Mermaid As An Adult

Sorry in advance.

1. Let's start with what mermaids eat. They're vegetarians, right? And fish eat algae? Does Ariel just slurp slime off of rocks?

2. If Ariel has a belly button, it means she was a live birth. Explain that, Disney. Explain mermaid birth. Where do mermaid babies come from?

3. Fish lay eggs, so it makes more sense that mermaids lay eggs. Did Ariel hatch from an egg?

4. If mermaids do indeed lay eggs, does that mean humans eat mermaid eggs like caviar? Probably! Humans are awful!

5. Maybe it's like seahorses, where the male carries the babies? Did King Triton give birth to Ariel out of his butt? I'm not a scientist, don't correct me in the comments.

6. Speaking of Triton, he's got some MEATY nips. That means lady merms have nipples too, yeah? Does that mean mermaids breastfeed their kids?

7. If Ariel has a fish body, does that mean she has really long poops like a goldfish?

8. I had a goldfish as a kid and sometimes they'd trail poop behind them for, like, 15 minutes before it broke off. Does Ariel just have poop trailing behind her all the time? Are you even still reading this post?

9. Speaking of fish anatomy, wouldn't it be funny if Ariel was reversed? Like human on bottom, fish on top? That's not really a question for Disney. Let's get back on track.

10. Why is this thing named Flounder when it's OBVIOUSLY not a flounder? A flounder is a flat fish with jacked-up eyes.

11. Ariel's hoarder den has books in it, but wouldn't those disintegrate underwater? What gives, Disney?

12. If Ariel is a human from the waist up, why aren't her armpits hairy? Is there a CVS in the ocean where she gets her Gillette Venus razors? Since I mentioned Venus razors, do you have that song from the commercial stuck in your head now? I'm sorry.

13. You need silver to make a mirror reflective. How are these mermies getting processed silver ore to make mirrors? What isn't Disney telling us? Once again, I'm not a scientist, and I will not be reading the comments on this post.

14. Where does Ursula get eyeshadow and fingernail polish, and how does it not wash off?

15. Why didn't Ariel just write Prince Eric a note when she turned human? She can clearly read and write.

16. How come the castle and its surroundings change drastically between night and day? Suspicious.

17. The Little Mermaid takes place in Denmark, so what are these flamingos doing there? Flamingoes do not live in Denmark.

18. It's estimated that only one out of every 2 million lobsters are blue. This is just insanity!!! Disney, please.

19. And lastly, WTF is this.