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    Posted on Nov 12, 2013

    Charo Is Your Badass Abuelita And Here's Why

    "I am Charo. Bow to me."

    Maybe you only know her from her "cuchi-cuchi" catchphrase, or from that time Yara Sofia impersonated her on RuPaul's Drag Race.

    Logo/World of Wonder

    Maybe you saw her on the finale of Don't Trust The B and thought, "That old lady is really good at guitar" before switching over to Hoarders and forgetting about her forever.

    ABC

    WELL, CHARO IS SO MUCH MORE. Her life is fascinating and her reign just won't let UP.

    Gregg DeGuire / WireImage / Getty Images

    First of all, she has the greatest name of all time.

    Jason Merritt / Getty Images

    Charo was born in outer space, but most contemporary biographies claim she was born in the Region of Murcia in Spain.

    She is muy muy misterioso. Nobody knows her real age.

    Kevin Winter/Staff / Getty Images

    Charo's parents helped her falsify her age to appear older and marry 66-year-old band leader Xavier Cugat when she was was just 21.

    BuzzFeed

    Years later in the Spanish-language newspaper La Opinión, Charo explained that the marriage was only a business contract so she could legally move to the United States.

    When Charo came of age, she bought Cugat a Rolls-Royce as a thank-you, because she was already super rich off her badass guitar skills and could afford cars as gifts.

    Rolls-Royce Limited

    As a kid she was taught guitar by Andrés Segovia, who has been regarded as one of the greatest guitarists of all time.

    ...even though he told her, "Stop saying 'cuchi-cuchi' so much, Charo! Be serious!"

    Charo herself is now considered the best damn flamenco guitarist is the world.

    View this video on YouTube

    youtube.com

    No, really. Guitar Player Magazine said so, twice.

    By 1971 she was headlining in Vegas, being paid as much as Frank Sinatra, Ray Charles, and Dean Martin. TAKE THAT, PATRIARCHY.

    Charo basically invented the word "overexposed." In the '70s she appeared on basically every TV ever, including The Love Boat EIGHT TIMES.

    View this video on YouTube

    youtube.com

    In 1976 Charo shot episodes for a television show called Charo and the Sergeant, but it was far too brilliant and amazing for American TV and wasn't picked up.

    ABC
    ABC

    In the show, Charo's gets a job as a dancer at an off-limits night club and her conservative Marine Corps husband finds out. Escandaloso!!!

    ...which is a shame, because she's a hilarious comedienne.

    World of Wonder
    World of Wonder

    Charo speaks Japanese, because obviously she speaks Japanese.

    Moldiv

    In the '80s and '90s, Charo moved to Hawaii and performed in her own dinner theater. Because of the large number of Japanese tourists, she learned Japanese. Flawless queen.

    Charo, ageless goddess, is STILL charting amazing hit songs...*cough* on the dance charts *cough*

    Charo has L-E-G-E-N-D-A-R-Y tetas.

    And underneath that substantial cleavage beats a heart of gold. She served as Grand Marshall of the 2008 San Francisco LGBT Pride parade. Bless you, Charo. Bendecida.

    Ingrid Taylor / Via sanfrancisco.about.com

    Charo's sexiness CANNOT BE CONTAINED, even when she's playing a cartoon frog in flop Disney knock offs.

    View this video on YouTube

    youtube.com

    Universal Mother Charo thanks you for your time.

    Mike Coppola / Getty Images

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