1. You’re supposed to be writing something. But you aren’t.
Look at that winking bastard.
2. Instead you’re reading BuzzFeed.
4. You have looked at 47 different holidays you will never, ever take.
6. You take some time out to plan your funeral, in great detail. Just in case.
7. You aren’t even capable of writing a proper to-do list. So instead you start playing the Throwy Bin Game.
8. You stare at the thing you haven’t written. It feels like the cursor is taunting you.
9. Instead you spend your time trying to find the weirdest album on Spotify. Then listening to it.
No seriously it’s better than you might expect.
Then you realise that you’re saying things like “better than you might expect” about an album of Gregorian chant ABBA covers.
10. You have run out of people to Facebook stalk. You have stalked all of the people.
11. You find yourself reading lists of unsolved murder cases, just to see if you can figure out who did it using only the internet and your brain.
12. Three hours later, you’re pretty sure you’ve implicated Clark Gable in the 1932 Stockholm Vampire Murder.
Then you realise you’ve gone mad.
13. You have made another cup of tea.
14. You return to writing. You make REALLY SIGNIFICANT PROGRESS. You can tell this because it’s in bold and underlined.
This is good work. You are doing very well.
15. You phone up baffled relatives you don’t really know for a chat, just because.
16. You start reading the entirety of TV Tropes for a third time. Words no longer make sense.
17. The Throwy Bin Game’s not going so well any more.
18. But in better news, you’ve spent the time working out how many Mars Bars it would take until you had your own weight in Mars Bars.
19. You try following the old writing advice - “Just write something. Anything. You can always improve it later.”
NO NOT THAT.
20. You decide it’s important that you read every tweet. As it is tweeted.
21. You have now made ALL THE CUPS OF TEA.
22. You have now taken every “Which X are you?” quiz on the internet. It turns out that you are Katniss Everdeen, Molly from Sherlock, the Fifth or Tenth Doctors depending which quiz you take, and the Inanimate Carbon Rod from The Simpsons.
23. Several hours later, you still haven’t done any writing. But you have created an elaborate fanfiction universe in which Katniss, Molly, both Doctors and the Inanimate Carbon Rod team up to fight crime.
24. You’ve started planning possible escape routes from the room you’re in. In case of emergency/ninjas.
25. But there’s no escape. Still, that cursor just sits there. Blinking. Blinking. Blinking.
- Oliver Sacks, the famed neurologist and author, died Sunday from cancer. He was 82. ›