1. A is for… Art.
Posh people <3 paintings of their own faces. They really like paintings of their faces merged with their flatmates’ faces (see left: Jamie-Proudlock-Francis) and they really, really like paintings of themselves holding globes (see right: Francis holding a globe).
2. B is for… Bitching.
In Chelsea, it’s totes appropes to hang out with people you secretly hate (cf. Rosie and Millie; Jamie and Spencer; Louise and Lucy; everyone else). Just make sure you don’t start bitching until your frenemy’s back is turned.
3. C is for… Cheating.
Posh people do this a lot. Hugo cheated on Millie. Millie cheated on Hugo. Louise cheated on Andy. Jamie cheated on Tara. And Spencer cheated on pretty much every female cast member ever. If there’s one lesson we can learn from our well-heeled friends, it’s this: NEVER cross the Smackintosh.
4. D is for… Dogs.
Every red chino / wide-necked t-shirt with a meaningless slogan on the front of it / Ralph Lauren jumper tied around your shoulders combination is incomplete without a dog on your arm.
5. E is for… Excellent fitness regimes.
So yoga’s boring unless it’s done in a swinging hammock, running is nothing without spring-loaded shoes and lifting weights is only worthwhile if they shake. If you want to get fit, get inventive first.
6. F is for… Friendship.
Here’s Millie toasting her BBF Rosie after Rosie kissed Millie’s BF Hugo.
And here are BBFs Millie and Rosie after the forgiving and forgetting happened. Aw. Lesson: friends are more important than boyfriends.
8. G is for… Getting up in grills.
That’s slang for “Why is everyone annoyed with me?”, BTW.
9. H is for… Hot tub.
If you live in SW3, chances are you love a cheeky fumble in the hot tub. Here’s a picture of Jamie and Phoebe in a hot tub. Wouldn’t the world be a little bit better if they dated? Yes, it really would.
10. I is for… Invitation.
As Phoebe learnt the hard way, invitations are important if you want to get into Chelsea’s hottest parties/Lucy’s housewarming.
13. L is for… Lingo.
So words are different in West London. Here’s a handy guide:
Blates = Blatantly / Defo = Definitely / Dorbs = Adorable / Maybs = Maybe / Obvs = Obviously / OMG = Oh my god! / Soz = Sorry / Pardy = Party / Presh = Precious / Probs = Probably / Totes = Totally.
15. N is for.. Nostrils.
OH HI ANDY’S NOSTRILS. Posh people convey a lot of emotions through their nostrils. Take this gif of Andy wearing an orange jumper, for example. It may look as thought he’s just sighing. What he’s actually saying is, “OMG Louise, I can’t believe you maybe probably maybe spent the night with Niall out of One Direction. That’s really hurtful.”
16. O is for… “Oh wow, you look amazing (read: you look so ugly).”
Remember that moment in Mean Girls when Regina tells Cady that she loves her bracelet, but she’s secretly a hater? That happens all the time in Chelsea. And it’s totes fine.
18. Q is for… Quiet.
Among the well-heeled, silence is golden. Awkward silences happen, on average, every three minutes. So learn to love ‘em.
19. R is for… Rainbow hair.
A little known fact about Chelsea’s residents is that they sometimes leave (that’s right, leave) Chelsea. Some of them even make it as far as Dalston, where they dip dye their hair to within an inch of its life.
20. S is for… So much sex.
In Chelsea there’s a direct correlation between the number of pounds you own and the number of your friends’ ex boyfriends you’ve slept with. Embrace this.
21. T is for… Throwing drinks.
The correct way to deal with a broken heart.
22. U is for… Ugly.
Even the rich can’t get it right all of the time. Be prepared to make a knob of yourself now and again. You’ll be able to laugh about it by the time you’re skiing in Verbier this winter.
23. V is for… Very, very drunk.
Despite what your mum told you, drinking is cool in SW3. Soz, mum.
24. W is for… Whoops!
Even if you’re born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you’ve got to be prepared to embarrass yourself sometimes. The best way to deal with shame? Laugh it off and pour yourself a drink (see: “V is for… Very, very drunk).
26. Y is for… Yachting (and other posh sports).
MIC makes P.E. looks so good. If they’re not fencing, skiing or yachting, our moneyed friends are watching polo or croquet. Start Wikipediaing the rules now.