1. That you’re enjoying that unpaid internship.
Making all those contacts, learning all that stuff, gaining all that experience. It gives us a warm feeling to help out.
2. That your social media skills will be used to displace us in a bloodless but implacable coup.
This will probably have something to do with Doge. (If that reference is already out of date, it only reinforces the point.)
3. That your rooms contain no books, CDs or photos.
We picture a clean white space with just a few wi-fi enabled devices, a tin of moustache wax and a ukulele.
4. That you’re entirely hairless below the neck, like a Tolkien elf.
Waxing wasn’t a thing when we started having sex. Not even trimming. We’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.
5. That you’re using Snapchat for, you know, that.
Rest assured, this is one social media trend we’re not going to muscle in on.
We believe this is a tragedy, for you.
8. That your beards are somehow mocking us.
It’s too late for us now. We’d look like Brian Blessed.
9. That you know how to tie a bow tie.
That is some seriously arcane knowledge – and we know you didn’t get it from us.
10. That you find our dancing indistinguishable from our own dads’ dancing.
Do you know how many illegal raves we had to get into to learn these moves?
11. That you know how computers work.
You can do all that stuff with GIFs. Can’t you just come over and take a look at this 404 error for us?
12. That you love Sherlock.
We all recently decided we hate it, for compelling reasons that we’d love to share with you at length over a… no? Oh. OK then.
13. That you get new phones more often than new shoes.
Which is kind of you, because how else would we get new tech tested while we spend two years deciding if we need it?
14. That you take your phones to bed with you.
To us this seems as weird as installing a fax machine in the bedroom.
15. That when you sit round a pub table poking at those phones, you do so with an aching generational ennui, beset by a tide of paranoia that rises slowly but never, ever recedes.
16. That you’d rather do that than vote.
Just to be serious: we do believe this. Are we wrong?