71 British Men’s Names, And What They Actually Mean

Based on careful observation of the species.


Simon – Low pain threshold.
Dave – Draws penises on things.
David – Too snooty to be a Dave.
Jonathan – Takes piano lessons.
Pete – Owns electrical tape.
Peter – Collects dull things.
Luke – Narrows his eyes in photos.
Bob – Is aggressively friendly.
Andy – Talks about software.
Dan – Listens to reggae.
Ben – Cries.
Jack – Pops his collars.
Gav – Hits friends in the balls.
Stu – Finishes people’s drinks.
Darren – Shares farts.
Marcus – Never smiles.
Tim – Wears flip-flops in the supermarket.
Josh – Gels hair upwards.
Jake – Keeps taking shirt off.
Rob – Is already drunk when you get there.
Declan – Wants you to see his penis.
Charlie – Maudlin when drunk.
Tom – Gay when drunk.
Alex – Takes post-workout selfies.
Tyler – Wears Ray-Bans indoors.
Graham – Talks about cricket.
Terry – Ought to have a moustache.
Seb – Has unpleasant girlfriend.
Mike – Rides a fixie.
Nick – Stands around with balls dangling out.
Mark – Corrects grammar.
Brian – Has a caravan.
Alan – Is boring about vinyl.
Ed – Is boring about wine.
Sam – Is boring about weed.
Tony – Talks to girls’ chests.
Rory – Exercises in a headband.
Gareth – Plays World Of Warcraft.
Liam – Plays with his nuts.
Dom – Thinks he’s so awesome.
Zac – Gives unwanted massages.
Nigel – Has sensible shoes.
Will – Has technical trainers.
Doug – Has a fleece.
Giles – Has a Rolex.
Jez – Has a tribal tattoo.
Shane – Has a pornographic tattoo.
Wayne – Has a racist tattoo.
Guy – Had a gap year.
Miles – Insists on going to Shake Shack.
Adam – Constantly quotes The Simpsons.
Steve – Plays air guitar at gigs.
Greg – Tells you how far he ran.
Rupert – Tells you what your house is worth.
Chris – Tweets about commute.
Neil – Instagrams about lunch.
Craig – Ostentatiously drinks two litres of water a day.
Gerard – Has coffee breath.
Toby – Is going to crowdsurf in a minute.
Henry – Carries baby in papoose.
Jim – Keeps forwarding spam.
Hugo – Speaks to waiters in French.
Scott – Drinks fruit tea.
Alfie – Wears thin scarf.
Gary – Fist pumps after business calls.
Justin – Wears a headset.
Rick – Stands too close at urinals.
Callum – Thumps chest when angry.
Olly – Enjoyed the Twilight films.
Brandon – Is competitive at frisbee.
Max – Is the one who’s stealing from the fridge.

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