A Definitive Ranking Of The Crappy Things That Have Happened To Sansa Stark

Her bad luck is Sansa-tional.

19. That time she married Tyrion which, to be fair, was delightfully murder-free by Westeros’ standards.

 

Sansa Suck Score: 1. In four seasons, this is probably the ONE not shitty thing that has happened to her. ~ OH FUCKING WELL ~

18. That time Aunt “Crazy Pills” Lysa interrogated her over hitting it with Littlefinger.

 

Sansa Suck Score: 2. In Lysa’s defense, she DID offer Sansa a lemon cake.

17. That time she had to deal with Arya’s bullshit.

 

Sansa Suck Score: 2.5, because nowadays Arya is stabbing people to death with a small sword. Sansa was lucky she just had food flung at her.

16. That time Littlefinger casually murdered the jester who just saved her life.

Sansa Suck Score: 3. Sansa was only aboard S.S. Murder for a bit.

15. That time her pet direwolf, Lady, was executed. By her father. #GoodTimes

 

Sansa Suck Score: 3.5. Let’s be honest, Sansa was never meant to own a pet. OK, maybe a goldfish. And it could live in a bowl filled with Sansa’s tears.

14. Being betrothed to King Incest Baby Douchebag himself, Joffrey Baratheon.

 

Sansa Suck Score: 4. When you’re Sansa, S.O. doesn’t just stand for significant other, but also shithole offspring.

13. That time Cersei was her future mother-in-law and really turned on the crazy during the Battle of the Blackwater. #RedWineFunTimes

 

Sansa Suck Score: 4.5. Cersei is the craziest chick alive in Westeros, so when she’s not sleeping with her brother, she’s usually plotting someone’s death.

12. That time she got shamed by Douche Commander Joffrey in front of the entire throne room after nearly being raped.

 

Sansa Suck Score: 4.5. Positive: The Hound saved her from a near rape. Downside: The Asshole-in-Chief continued to be a total dick.

11. That time she had to sit through Joffrey’s wedding to Margaery. #NotBlessed

 

Sansa Suck Score: 5. Weddings: where you can see the amateur Broadway performance of your family’s death!

10. That time that she was kidnapped and blamed for the murder of Joffrey.

 

Sansa Suck Score: 5. Getting kidnapped and blamed for the murder of Westeros’ answer to Justin Bieber is a small price to pay for ending the Purple Wedding early (hehe).

9. That time she had this fucking hairdo. #BadHairDay

Sansa Suck Score: 5.5. Because they happen to all of us. But never this bad.

8. That time Littlefinger went for it and stuck his littletongue in Sansa’s littlemouth.

Sansa Suck Score: 6. EW EW EW EW EW EW EW NO.

7. That time she was so unlucky, even her jewelry was capable of murdering someone. Granted, it was her asshat of an ex-fiance, but still.

 

Sansa Suck Score: 6.5. If Sansa had a rap name, it would be Death Chainz.

6. That time she was nearly thrown through the Moon Door by Loony Lysa, her own damn aunt.

Sansa Suck Score: 7. Nice knowing that most of your family is dead, and some of those who are alive want to kill you.

5. Witnessing her father’s execution. Fun times with the Starks!

 

Sansa Suck Score: 7.5. Quaint times in Westeros, these were.

4. That time she had to hear her aunt’s wedding night sex screams from next door.

 

Sansa Suck Score: 8. Why count sheep when you can count “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”s?

3. That time little dirtbag breast milk connoisseur Robin kicked over her snow castle.

HBO

HBO

 

Sansa Suck Score: 8.5. By now, Sansa has learned to hit back — lit’rally AND figuratively. Watch out, Lannisters! She’s ready to pay some fucking debts.

2. That time she was forced to see her father’s head on a stake.

HBO

Sansa Suck Score: 9. She got the point.

1. But worst of all, any day she doesn’t get a fucking lemon cake.

HBO

 

Sansa Suck Score: 10. Life has given Sansa a ton of lemons. The least it can do is make a few of those into lemon cakes.

So before you start complaining about how your day is going, remind yourself that it can’t possibly be as bad as Sansa’s.

HBO

 

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