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52 Thoughts Every Shark Has During Shark Week

Teeth out, fins up, that’s the way we like to f*ck.

1. First thing’s first, I’m the sharkiest!
2. I’m sooooo sharky, you already know!
3. It’s SHARK WEEK YAAASS.
4. Too bad we don’t get the Discovery Channel in the Pacific Ocean.
5. But I feel like I should be extra sharky this week. What should I do first?
6. Oh, maybe I’ll go hunting for a seal. I haven’t had seal in a while.
7. I’ve been on an all-tuna diet. Got to have that lean protein!
8. After all, it is summer, and I need to rock that #BikiniBody.
9. Oh, look, there’s a seal! But it looks like it’s pretty small. Go big or go home.
10. Wait, just kidding. It’s just a piece of kelp.
11. I’m a shark, I don’t eat any kelp.
12. I’m a mean, lean, killing machine. I’ll leave the kelp to the crabs.
13. Haha, look at that little crab eating kelp. He’s so tiny.
14. Do you even lift, bro? EAT SOME MEAT.
15. Oh look, there is one of my sharky friends. Let me stop to chat.
16. Oh wait, better not because I ALWAYS NEED TO SWIM.
17. Like, I swim while I eat. I swim while I pee. I swim while I sleep.

18. Michael Phelps doesn’t have NOTHING on me.
19. Hmmm, I wonder if they let sharks in the Olympics. I totally would win all the swimming events.
20. But I am NOT swimming backstroke. I don’t want to get water up my nose.
21. I probably would win like, 20 gold medals.
22. Seriously, I would look great on a Wheaties box.
23. OK wait now I’m really hungry. But I smell blood…
24. I’m so #blessed to have such an amazing sense of smell. IDK what I would do without it!
25. Alright, let’s do this…
26. 300 razor-sharp teeth, 20 feet and 5,000 pounds of lean, mean, killing machinery…
27. Duhn duhn. Duhn duhn. Duhn duhn…
28. AIR JAWS FOR THE WIN!!!
29. Mmmmmm, let me swing this seal back and forth for ~dramatic effect.~ JK, I need to serrate into the flesh with my sharp teeth.
30. That seal didn’t stand a chance, he didn’t see me coming! To be fair, neither did I, since my eyes always roll back when I’m hunting. I’m ~talented~ like that.
31. Gosh, I love being a great white shark. I’m like the Beyoncé of sharks.
32. And the mako shark can be the Kelly since it’s so fast, and the bull shark can be Michelle.
33. Like, call me Sharkyoncé.
34. AKA Sharky Fierce.

35. I’m still hungry, maybe I should have a porpoise? Or a human?
36. JK, humans taste disgusting. I only bite them when I’m a little tipsy and think they’re a seal!
37. They taste sort of like chicken, but if chicken tasted like crap.
38. I feel like swimming somewhere. Maybe South Africa! Or Australia! I’ve always wanted to go to Australia.
39. I wonder if great whites in Australia have an Australian accent?
40. Probably not, since we can’t talk, but communicate by body-slamming and opening our jaws instead.
41. Maybe I should just swim by a beach anyway, just to scare some people.
42. Oh, if I swim by Santa Monica Pier, maybe a casting director will see me and write me into a Jaws remake!

43. I definitely have the “Hollywood” look. Pearly whites, long, dark, and handsome, buff body…
44. I mean, I’m definitely A-list material. Like, if there were a “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood” version for the ocean, fish would aspire to be me.
45. And tiger sharks would be my Willow Pape because they LITERALLY eat trash.
46. Like, great, you’re *SO* cool because you have stripes like a tiger. But guess what! Stripes are SO 2013.
47. Also, while we’re on the subject of stuff that drives me crazy, can we talk about how there is no shark emoji?
48. Like, there are two types of camel emoji, but you’re telling me it’s 2014 and there still isn’t a shark emoji?
49. THAT IS BULL SHIT. Or should I say, bull shark shit!
50. Whatever, I’m over it. Because guess what? I’m the biggest fish in the sea.
51. Well, biggest carnivorous shark. Shoutout to my gentle giant 40-foot whale shark friends out there!
52. That means in my world, EVERY week is Shark Week.

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