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What The City You Live In Says About You

United States of Whatever.

1. New York

Ah, New York — the center of the universe! At least, that’s what you tell yourself when you pay $2,000 a month to live in a roach-infested shoebox. You feel like you live this *FABULOUS* NYC lifestyle but it’s probably more Girls than Sex and the City. Your diet is essentially a lot of pizza and bagels. Also, you probably see a lot of weird shit on the subway. And what IS that smell that is always wafting through the streets?!? Hint: It’s a mix of garbage, urine, and pretzels.

2. Los Angeles

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You might be an actor (aka you wait tables before you catch your ~big break~) or maybe you do something else with your time; either way, there is a 95% chance whatever you do is PERIPHERALLY connected to the entertainment industry. You LOVE the weather, kale, and juices, but you also spend a large chunk of your day in traffic — most likely in a Toyota Prius.

3. Chicago

Summers are spent at Cubs games (or drinking on the rooftops across the street) and also enjoying the few days a year where the city ISN’T an Arctic tundra. You have this weird need to defend Chicago against New York, like you’re the little sister or something, and you KNOW better than to call it anything other than the Sears Tower. One thing you DO know is Chicago pizza is better than New York pizza. Also, people are just NICER in the Midwest. AND GOOOOOO BLACKHAWKS!

4. Dallas

Tom Pennington / Getty Images

Ugh, you’re probably in a pool of your own sweat because it’s the summer. You live and die by the Cowboys because they are AMERICA’S TEAM. Maybe you went to UT or SMU, and you definitely love getting ~dressed up~. Also, most of your friends are either engaged or they’re married, even though you’re like 25. Whatever. Also, barbecue is a BIG BIG BIG DEAL in the BIG D.

5. Phoenix

Christian Peterson / Getty Images

Ah, Phoenix — where it’s in the 80s around Christmas and hellaciously hot during the summer. Like, you’ve mastered the art of staying cool in the heat, but GOD FORBID the temperature dip below the 70s, because you will be freezing your butt off. A good day for you usually involves getting a parking spot in the shade and swimming in the pool in your backyard/at your apartment complex. I mean, is there anything else to talk about, really? THE CITY IS LITERALLY NAMED AFTER A FLAMMABLE BIRD; IT’S HOT. Also, you probably went of U of A or ASU and see rattlesnakes/coyotes/roadrunners all the time (JK about the second one).

6. Boston

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Your life basically revolves around whatever Boston team is in season — the Pats, Sawx, Celts, or Bruins. If you’re not currently in college, you most likely went to school in Boston — was it Tufts, or BC, or Harvard, maybe BU, or even Northeastern? Yeah, the weather sucks most of the year, but you can just compensate for that like the rest of the city does — drinking more, and lots more. Basically, people from Boston are tough AF and you don’t want to mess with them.

7. Seattle

Macklemore Vevo / Via giphy.com

Coffee! Rain! The Seahawks! That’s basically Seattle in three words, right? You probably work for Amazon, or at least have several friends who do, because, DUH. Yeah, it’s like, nearly always pouring, but when the food, the java, and the music are so good, who cares? That being said, you still really cannot explain Macklemore.

8. Portland

IFC

You are probably on some weird vegan/organic health kick, your closet consists exclusively of flannel, and if you’re a dude, you’ve got some facial hair going on, right? Everyone else thinks you’re Seattle’s little brother, but Portland is way cool in its own right. Also, your coffee is DEFINITELY fair trade and you listen exclusively to indie bands with weird names like Lawnmower Cult.

9. Washington D.C.

Politics politics POLITICS. Literally, that is all anyone talks about EVER. Like, you’ll have a drunken conversation with some staffer on a Saturday night about some random bill or someone’s boss. And everyone has an agenda and the summers are hot AF. Also, you have mastered the art of arguing and networking, because this is D.C. You have to put that poli sci degree to WORK, whether it is grabbing drinks with colleagues or arguing your way out of a parking ticket. You love and hate it all at the same time. But hey, at least the foodie scene is pretty good?

10. The Bay Area

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You work for Google right? Or maybe Apple, or some other tech company? Or maybe even a startup? Whatever you do, you are career-focused, and looking to jump on the hot new thing. You probably have a friend who is developing an app and won’t stop bugging you about it. Also, rent is a constant SUCK on your bank account and you Uber everywhere.

11. Austin

Michael Buckner / Getty Images

Ah, Austin, the “cool” city in Texas — you’re all about KEEPING IT WEIRD. You shop at Whole Foods and love ACL and SXSW. Like, you’re definitely in tech OR a liberal hippie OR both at the same time. You most likely went to UT — Hook ‘Em Horns! — and your music taste is way better than like, anywhere else in the country. Seriously, what isn’t to like about your life? Except the weather in the summer, of course.

12. Nashville

ABC / Via giphy.com

You’re like, the real-world Carrie Underwood or Brad Paisley, right? You probably are surrounded by a bunch of vague music industry hipsters, Vanderbilt students, and southern belles. You love going to bars that are in random locations like a greenhouse, and live music is EVERYTHING. After all, this is Music City and you wouldn’t trade it for the world.

13. Denver

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MILE HIGH CITY, BABY!!! You love the Broncos, and you probably go skiing a lot. Also, you’re like ~super outdoorsy~ because everyone in Colorado is on a health kick. You probably drive a Subaru, can say “Coors” properly, but really are just concerned with drinking the hippest microbrew. Oh, and pot is legal.

14. Atlanta

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It’s COKE, not soda, and you would never be caught dead drinking a Pepsi. The only thing tighter than your city’s rap game is its peach game. That’s right, PEACHES. Also, you are most definitely a Southern gentleman or Southern belle. And you sort of like the Falcons and Braves, but pretty much couldn’t care less about the Hawks.

15. Twin Cities

MGM / Via giphy.com

The only thing you love more than hockey is your winter coat because it is FREEZING from October to April. Summers, however, are spent outside — especially at the lakes — and you probably spend a good portion of your paycheck at Target. You’ve probably got that sweet Minnesota accent, and you know it’s “Duck, Duck, Gray Duck,” not “Duck, Duck, Goose.” You probably are also really nice, right?

16. New Orleans

Sean Gardner / Getty Images

UGH THE FOOD AND DRINK IS TO DIE FOR. But you basically frown upon EVERYONE who loses their shit on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras, because you’ve got this drinking/partying thing down pat. Like, seriously, no one parties hardier than you. Also, WHO DAT. And you probably have a pet gator. Just kidding. But not really. And you seriously sweat just THINKING about the summer.

17. Indianapolis

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Your year consists of two seasons: Pacers basketball and Colts football. Yeah, you miss Peyton, but you’ve been pretty “Lucky” ever since. That being said, you live, breathe, and die basketball — this is Indiana, after all. And yeah, your friends are starting to get married ALREADY. Dave Mathews Band concerts are HUGE when you are in high school, and you just LOVE going to the mall. Oh, and we almost forgot, but you HATE Tom Brady and the Indy 500 is your claim to fame.

18. St. Louis

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All right, so obviously there is WAY more to this city than just some damn arch. You’re nice — maybe even a little TOO nice — and you love you some Cardinals baseball, win or lose (though really, they pretty much ALWAYS are winning). Nothing sucks more than a summer in St. Louis, but at least you have a nice cold Bud on draught to help you cope. Actually, the weather is INSANE year round, but you can handle your thunderstorms and snow and heatwaves, thank you very much. And you’re probably craving a slice of Imo’s right now, right?

19. Miami

Ah, paradise, or as you like to call it, HOME. Yeah, everyone else thinks you’re just flashy, shallow partiers, but who cares? There’s more to your life than just, well, the beach and partying (but truth be told, your life IS pretty fabulous). The Cuban food, is of course, to DIE for and you know hurricanes are just an excuse to have an indoor party. Sports are sort of like ~whatever~ when the weather is this good. And oh yeah, the drivers — well, let’s just say most of them shouldn’t be on the road.

20. Philadelphia

The Weinstein Company / Via giphy.com

You know that “City of Brotherly Love” may be a bit of a misnomer, because there is nothing more vicious on this planet than a Philly sports fan. Whether it is the Flyers, Iggles, Phillies, or Sixers (LOL), you live and die by who is on the field/court/ice. You like your hoagies and not subs, and know it’s “jimmies” that you order on your ice cream. Also, you have a strong preference as to Geno’s or Pat’s. Summers are spent at the Jersey Shore, and we GET it, Rocky was filmed here. Also, New York SUCKS. But most of all, you’re not afraid to speak your mind, because that’s how you ROLL.

21. Charlotte

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All right, there’s more to this hornet’s nest than NASCAR and AMAZING barbecue (really, the best in the states). There is something to be said for all the Southern hospitality and charm — really, you can’t imagine living anywhere else. Most of your friends work in the financial sector, and you might even too. You know Charlotte isn’t just a blast now, but will be a great place to settle down and raise a family. That’s because while you may know how to throw down with the best of them — and you certainly did, probably at UNC or NC State — you are definitely instilled with those good Southern values.

22. Baltimore

 

Ah, BMore: What’s not to love? You’ve got crab cakes, Ravens football, Orioles baseball, and LACROSSE. And it’s called Charm City for a REASON. Most of your friends probably went to UMD or Johns Hopkins, and you’re ALL about rocking your Under Armour when you go to the gym, of course, and know the Harbor is WAY too touristy (Fed Hill is where you go out, obviously). That being said, you know better than to go outside during the summer — air-conditioning, ALL the way, or you can just escape to Ocean City.

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