1. You can instantly tell the date of old photos from your waist-to-hip ratio.
2. This information no longer shocks you.
In fact, whenever you see this photo anywhere, you just nod wisely. You know, like you’re doing right now.
3. You own so many different-sized clothes that your wardrobe looks like an ineptly stocked branch of H&M.
4. And because you’re never really one size for very long, everything you own is a sale item.
6. You know every restaurant in town that serves salad, and have committed all three of their menus to memory.
7. You know what these words mean: Glycogen. Shirakati noodles. Raspberry ketones.
This information is of no use to anyone but you.
8. Yo-yo dieting changes your appearance so often that you’re used to people not recognising you in the street.
10. Amazon has stopped recommending actual literature, and now just shows you books with “eat” in the title.
It’s as though it’s trying to tell you something.
11. But the main reason you own a Kindle is so that no one on the train can judge you for reading Skinny Bitch.
13. You’ve tried pretty much every diet out there, but when you find a new one, it’s a little like falling in love.
15. Mainly so that you can break its rules.
16. You’re so diet brainwashed that, even when you’re not dieting, you still have sex dreams about pizza.
19. When you used to be this person.
(At least, that’s what you tell yourself.)
20. But! If one of your friends wants to lose a little weight, who do they come to?
21. Because you can see the carb and fat content in food in exactly the way Neo can see the code behind the world in The Matrix.
22. Because you can make delicious, carb-free cauliflower mash with your eyes closed.
24. And because you can help them make lifestyle changes, get motivated, and lose weight the right way.