1. You can instantly tell the date of old photos from your waist-to-hip ratio.
2. This information no longer shocks you.
3. You own so many different-sized clothes that your wardrobe looks like an ineptly stocked branch of H&M.
4. And because you're never really one size for very long, everything you own is a sale item.
5. Which gives you a very unique, um, style.
6. You know every restaurant in town that serves salad, and have committed all three of their menus to memory.
7. You know what these words mean: Glycogen. Shirakati noodles. Raspberry ketones.
8. Yo-yo dieting changes your appearance so often that you're used to people not recognising you in the street.
9. And you look nothing like your passport photo.
10. Amazon has stopped recommending actual literature, and now just shows you books with "eat" in the title.
11. But the main reason you own a Kindle is so that no one on the train can judge you for reading Skinny Bitch.
12. ...again.
13. You've tried pretty much every diet out there, but when you find a new one, it's a little like falling in love.
14. And you learn as much as you can about it.
15. Mainly so that you can break its rules.
Yeah, take that, the system!
16. You're so diet brainwashed that, even when you're not dieting, you still have sex dreams about pizza.
Oh, pizza.
PIIIIIIIIIIIZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUNNGG.
17. Your friends hate it when you talk about your diet.
18. And sometimes you feel a little bad about being this person.
19. When you used to be this person.
20. But! If one of your friends wants to lose a little weight, who do they come to?
21. Because you can see the carb and fat content in food in exactly the way Neo can see the code behind the world in The Matrix.
22. Because you can make delicious, carb-free cauliflower mash with your eyes closed.
23. Because you'll know exactly the right thing to do, and say.
24. And because you can help them make lifestyle changes, get motivated, and lose weight the right way.
25. And look! Suddenly you're this person again.
AAAAAAAAYYYY!