1. “I’m going to wake up early and get a head start on my day.”
What You Mean: I will incorporate the sound of my alarm clock into my dreams and hit snooze 30 times before being late for work.
2. “I’m definitely going to the gym after work.”
What You Mean: OMG, literally 50 unexpected errands just came up that are all non-urgent but I absolutely should do immediately. Too bad about the gym, huh.
3. “Just a couple of drinks. I need an early night tonight.”
What You Mean: Come back in four hours to watch me sing “Closing Time” with this bartender, my new best friend.
4. “OK, definitely starting my diet tomorrow.”
What You Mean: Yes, my diet of Cheeto dust and quadruple-stuffed Oreos.
5. “I’m going to start writing down all my expenses and spending less money.”
What You Mean: I’m going to keep track of the money I spend on rent and toilet paper and conveniently forget my reckless, expanding party budget.
6. “I’m gonna stay home and catch up on sleep this weekend.”
What You Mean: I’m going to give into FOMO, say yes to every social gathering I’m invited to, be hungover on Monday, and hate myself.
7. “I’m going to read more important books.”
What You Mean: I’m going to read Twilight.
8. “Of course I’m TOTALLY over him!”
What You Mean: If you were to wander into my bedroom at 4 a.m., you would find me on his Facebook profile…in a photo album from December 2009.
9. “OK, but this time I’m serious. I’m NEVER texting her/him again.”
What You Mean: I will most certainly, definitely, assuredly text her/him again. Then I will delete the evidence. TOO BAD YOU CAN’T DELETE SHAME AND REGRET.
10. “I’m going to do more cultural things. Museums, concerts, walking tours, that kinda thing.”
What You Mean: In the next month, I will watch 30 movies starring Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum.
11. “I’m definitely going to start reading more books.”
What You Mean: Between Netflix, Hulu Plus, and HBO Go, I don’t have any money left for a library subscription. Sorry.
12. “OK, but seriously, it’s time to catch up on the classics. Jane Austen, here I come!”
What You Mean: Just realized I could sound just as smart by just watching the movies. Colin Firth, here I come!
13. “I’m going to clean my apartment right after work today, it’s getting kinda gross.”
What You Mean: I’m going to push a couple of hairballs around and take out that pizza box… Then I’m going to get distracted by literally anything.
14. “I’m going to start dressing more chic and professionally.”
What You Mean: I will dress professionally during the one week every month when I need to do laundry and all I have left are dress shirts.
15. “I’m going to take fewer naps and do more work.”
What You Mean: Zzzzzzzzz.
16. “Just one more episode.”
What You Mean: At some point in the next seven hours, I will fall asleep with my laptop on my face, and I will hate myself in the morning.
17. “We should definitely get drinks soon!”
What You Mean: Please don’t actually try to get drinks with me. Saying “we should get drinks” is the maximum social interaction I want with you.
18. “Of course we’ll stay in touch when you move!”
What You Mean: Sorry I missed our Skype date… I got totally caught up being the flakiest person on Earth.
19. “Online dating really can’t be that bad.”
What You Mean: If I have to see one more unsolicited dick pic, I’m going to burn all my electronic goods and move to the North Pole.
20. “I should diversify my music taste… Start looking for some cool new indie bands and stuff.”
What You Mean: What was that? Sorry, couldn’t hear you over the sound of my NSYNC sing-along.
21. “I’m going to start staying on top of the news.”
What You Mean: Oh, hello there, Facebook. So we meet again.
22. “I’m going to master a foreign language.”
What You Mean: I’m going to learn how to curse and order food in a foreign language.