26 Alleged “Pizzas” That Should Be Ashamed Of Themselves

In order of escalating insanity.

26. Cauliflower Crust “Pizza”

Cauliflower, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a versatile, respectable vegetable that deserves more credit than you get. And honestly, you even make a fine, cheesy gluten-free pizza crust. But the day you darkened pizza’s door was the beginning of a slow, certain descent into madness. Things have gotten out of hand, and you are to blame.

ID: 2623380

25. Polenta Crust “Pizza”

This one probably could have flown under the radar because polenta is nice and never did anyone any harm except for the tofu smothered all over it, which, come on. Insult, injury, etcetera.

ID: 2624247

24. Matzoh “Pizza”

If it’s Passover, I guess there are worse ways to cope. If it’s not, no excuse.

ID: 2612938

23. Quinoa Crust “Pizza”

There are plenty of acceptable venues for quinoa, but this ain’t one of them.

ID: 2612996

21. Zucchini Crust “Pizza”

If you want to eat shredded, flattened squash, own it. If you want to eat real pizza, call me.

ID: 2592830

19. Shredded Potato Crust “Pizza”

What kind of human would take something good and important, like potatoes, and press them into servitude toward these abominable ends?

ID: 2622583

18. Cauliflower, Carrot, *and* Kale Crust “Pizza”

Listen, you don’t get extra points just because you used THREE weird things.

ID: 2623050

17. Broccoli Crust “Pizza”

Did you miss the day in class where they explained the difference between “pizza” and “salad’?

ID: 2613152

15. Ground Beef Crust “Pizza”

If you want a burger, order a burger. You don’t mess with the crust, man!

ID: 2622639

14. Crustless “Pizza”

LOL that’s literally just cheese and stuff in a pan!

ID: 2613095

13. Spaghetti Squash Crust “Pizza”

If it were real spaghetti, maybe exceptions could be made. But nope.

ID: 2613150

12. “Pizza” Zucchini Boats

OK, everyone, grab a lil paddle and let’s steer this canoe right down the garbage disposal.

ID: 2613084

11. Grilled Zucchini “Pizza”

If it didn’t work for eggplant…

ID: 2622554

10. Carrot Crust “Pizza”

Heaven forfend they discover yet MORE root vegetables that can be smooshed into disc format.

ID: 2622667

8. Wild Rice Crust “Pizza”

Not really sure what to say here, too busy SMDH.

ID: 2623528

7. Ground Pork Crust “Pizza”

Keep the meat on TOP of the pizza, please.

ID: 2622659

6. Spaghetti Squash “Pizza”

Instructions: Eat pepperoni and cheese. Discard inedible squash husk.

ID: 2622391

5. Sweet Potato and Banana “Pizza” On Almond and Wheat Germ Crust

Call it “breakfast flat-mush” and then we’ll talk.

ID: 2624277

4. Kale Crust “Pizza”

Should I tell you more about this, like how it’s not even normal kale? It’s made with kale CHIPS?

ID: 2622977

2. Tiny Tofu “Pizzas”


ID: 2628171

1. Plantain “Pizza”


ID: 2592786

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