Food

26 Alleged “Pizzas” That Should Be Ashamed Of Themselves

In order of escalating insanity.

26. Cauliflower Crust “Pizza”

Cauliflower, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a versatile, respectable vegetable that deserves more credit than you get. And honestly, you even make a fine, cheesy gluten-free pizza crust. But the day you darkened pizza’s door was the beginning of a slow, certain descent into madness. Things have gotten out of hand, and you are to blame.

25. Polenta Crust “Pizza”

This one probably could have flown under the radar because polenta is nice and never did anyone any harm except for the tofu smothered all over it, which, come on. Insult, injury, etcetera.

24. Matzoh “Pizza”

If it’s Passover, I guess there are worse ways to cope. If it’s not, no excuse.

23. Quinoa Crust “Pizza”

There are plenty of acceptable venues for quinoa, but this ain’t one of them.

21. Zucchini Crust “Pizza”

If you want to eat shredded, flattened squash, own it. If you want to eat real pizza, call me.

19. Shredded Potato Crust “Pizza”

What kind of human would take something good and important, like potatoes, and press them into servitude toward these abominable ends?

18. Cauliflower, Carrot, *and* Kale Crust “Pizza”

Listen, you don’t get extra points just because you used THREE weird things.

17. Broccoli Crust “Pizza”

Did you miss the day in class where they explained the difference between “pizza” and “salad’?

15. Ground Beef Crust “Pizza”

If you want a burger, order a burger. You don’t mess with the crust, man!

14. Crustless “Pizza”

LOL that’s literally just cheese and stuff in a pan!

13. Spaghetti Squash Crust “Pizza”

If it were real spaghetti, maybe exceptions could be made. But nope.

12. “Pizza” Zucchini Boats

OK, everyone, grab a lil paddle and let’s steer this canoe right down the garbage disposal.

10. Carrot Crust “Pizza”

Heaven forfend they discover yet MORE root vegetables that can be smooshed into disc format.

8. Wild Rice Crust “Pizza”

Not really sure what to say here, too busy SMDH.

7. Ground Pork Crust “Pizza”

Keep the meat on TOP of the pizza, please.

6. Spaghetti Squash “Pizza”

Instructions: Eat pepperoni and cheese. Discard inedible squash husk.

4. Kale Crust “Pizza”

Should I tell you more about this, like how it’s not even normal kale? It’s made with kale CHIPS?

1. Plantain “Pizza”

I HAVE HAD IT
WITH THIS MOTHAF*CKIN CHEESE
ON THIS MOTHAF*CKIN PLANTAIN

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