1. We’ve already endured the brief ironic comeback of acid wash.
It even reached the mainstream at one point,
It’s now time to move on to the next “denim that looks diseased” trend.
2. Victoria Beckham failed to catapult these £1,059 Balmain jeans into popularity in 2009.
There’s probably still an entire rack of these on sale at Century 21.
Whoever was working on branding these as “cool” totally failed. Which means they’ll have to try again in the near future (read: 2013).
3. Cut-offs were worn SO much in 2012, they’re now off-limits.
Rihanna and every other Coachella groupie beat this look into the ground last year. As an alternative, you’ll be relegated to jeans with giant holes in them. The “jean hole” tan will become a legitimate epidemic!
4. Whiskers enhance the crotch region.
Everyone secretly wants to wear jeans with a bunch of white lines pointing to their crotch.
5. DIY is on the rise and bored crafters need something to do with their jeans.
6. Ombré and dip-dye are over, and random faded splashes are the only logical next step.
It’s as if the sun magically kissed Rihanna’s splotchy jumpsuit in all the right places.
7. We forgot that Christina Aguilera used to look like this.
In the post-seapunk era of 2013, society’s eyes thirst for a unique look. It seems so batsh*t insane that someone would have worn this to the VMAs (even in 2002) that it almost seems like a fresh perspective. Ahead of its time, if you will.
8. We forgot Beyoncé used to look like this.
9. The ’90s revival is over — it’s time for the early aughts!
British group Girls Aloud circa 2003.
After what we’ve been through with the ’90s, we will welcome 2000s nostalgia with open arms.
10. Distressed jeans are very unflattering.
Which means that if you can actually pull them off, you are EXTRA hot.
11. Hipsters love cultural slumming.
As early adopters, hipsters co-opt the exotic styles of the lower class, like poor Southern white people or authentic prostitutes from the 1980s. “Eurotrash” remains untapped, and therefore ripe to be plundered for all its dormant irony.
12. Every denim trend has to be bastardized in some way in order for us to all move on to the next thing.
Skinny jeans, looking good.
Flared jeans — kind of neat and retro in a ’70s-via-the-’90s way.
13. Designers are working extremely hard to convince you that distressed jeans can be worn in any and all ways — even “layered.”
This is from Acne Resort Spring 2012.
14. People are sick of the lycra in their jeans.
Do you agree with this woman’s plight? Then you will be wearing ill-fitting distressed jeans in 2013.
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