If you want to guarantee yourself an absolutely awful time, I recommend popping down to Oxford Street. It's like a war zone, only worse.
1. You find the strength to leave the house and make it to Oxford Street. Which is awful at the best of times. The crowds are heaving.
2. EVERYONE IS WALKING TOO SLOWLY.
4. Or a frightening glimpse into what an English zombie apocalypse would look like. There would still be queuing.
5. Not even the reindeer on Oxford Street can dampen the rising sense of anger.
6. It’s so bad that the police have to get involved.
This is from when Jessie J turned on the lights in London’s Oxford Street. The lights cost £1.5 million this year. Good job there’s nothing else that needs funding out there.
7. The shops have all made an effort to make their window displays look dazzlingly festive.
“Daddy can we have presents this year?”
“No, we’re just going to look at them again.”
8. You try fighting your way into an actual shop. How about Liberty? It’s been on TV and everything, it must be good.
9. Ooh, that’s a nice scarf. I bet that would go down well with… OMG IT’S £150. FOR A SCARF. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.
10. Why not try good old, dependable John Lewis instead. You can’t go wrong. Except you get swept away in a bargain-seeking human tidal surge and end up on the 3rd floor looking at lamps.
11. Actually, could you get a lamp as a present? (Answer: no).
12. You stand with the other shoppers, staring at the floorplan, looking for the section titled “EXCELLENT CHEAP PRESENTS WITH NO QUEUING”.
13. If you have to buy any women’s clothing you feel a lot like this.
14. Whatever you buy is never exactly the thing you wanted anyway.
15. The in-store jazz band cranking out Christmas hits isn’t exactly helping matters.
16. Although the LEGO Father Christmas is admittedly quite impressive.
17. You now need something for the kids. So why not check out Hamley’s on Regent Street. Nothing says Christmas like bouncers outside a toy shop.
18. This is the queue of parental desperation.
19. About this point, when there’s a spontaneous surge for the last Furby, is when you lose consciousness.
20. By now you’re desperately seeking something, anything, you can give to a loved one. A comedy DVD, perhaps?
“This DVD is NOT ENDORSED by Little Britain, Matt Lucas or David Walliams”.