1. Long ago, like 12 years ago, in the dreary days of Sisqo’s silver head, Ed Hardy, and Von Dutch trucker hats, a problematic trend began. This trend, a literal “pube killer,” became known as “manscaping.”
2. * Sounds the pube alarm *
4. Manscaping spread rapidly, almost like a deadly contagious virus comparable to the one on that dreaded poop cruise of 2013. It seemed like men everywhere were trimming, plucking, and, most unfortunately, de-pubing.
5. Scary thing is, it continues to this day.
6. Last week, we delved into the horrors of chest shaving. This week, we take a deeper dive. And by deeper dive, I mean pubes.
7. It’s time to stand up for the little guys (pubes).
9. Our campaign for pubes begins with the most obvious reason to keep them: There is something inherently humanly hot about a man with a natural body.
11. Aesthetically speaking, they’re also charming. They add character. They are nice.
12. Another crucial role of pubes is that they accent the package. And by package, I’m talking dick. It just works.
13. There’s also science to back this up. Ever heard of pheromones? Sweet, sweet pheromones.
14. From my completely unscientific understanding, pheromones are like, to quote John Mayer (SORRY), sexual napalm.
16. It must also be mentioned that we are in the midst of a “ORGANIC REVOLUTION.” All of our beauty products are natural, our food is natural, we fucking love natural.
18. Also I heard a rumor that every time you shave your pubes an angel dies of dysentery or something because it’s cold and your crotch is a barren wasteland of nothing.
19. Lastly, and most importantly, there is nothing more creepy than a man with a completely shaved crotch. You look like a puffy tween.
20. And I’ll be damned if every man looked like a puffy tween. The injustice.
21. I also have to add that razor burn is real! Rawness DOES happen. This is not pleasant.
22. And I GET IT, some people trim. You can do whatever the fuck you want to do with your body. I’m just advocating for pubes. It’s my job. It’s the right thing to do.
23. So what can you?
Deputy Editorial Director, Devout Member of the Church of Godney