Dear Men, Never Shave Your Chest

Important read.

1. It has come to my attention after browsing the internet and (obviously) frequenting locations where men take off their shirts in public that we are in the midst of an epidemic.

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2. If I had a siren to play all over the world, I would. But instead, please play this GIF.

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4. It’s a goddamn plague out there, guys. A pandemic!

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5. The strange thing about this specific outbreak is that we know exactly the cause: fucking razors.

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6. Here’s what is happening:

1. Men are buying razors.
2. Men are putting razors to their chest.
3. Men are shaving their chests.
4. Men are transforming into smooth-shaven puffy tweens.

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7. This is a problem.

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8. It is a problem for a multitude of reasons, many of which are sanitary, I think, but mostly it’s just about the aesthetic.

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9. In an age of organics, I am completely baffled that we, as human beings, are straying away from the natural…

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10. …and by the natural, I’m talking about shaving the natural-born hair on chests.

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11. It doesn’t get more organic than that!

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12. As our forefathers said when they got off the Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria, “WE ARE HERE TO LIVE NATURAL, PURE LIVES.”

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13. A modern-day interpretation of that quote would assume they meant, “DO NOT SHAVE YOUR GODDAMN CHEST.”

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14. Besides that powerful quote, we have photos that show, in FULL COLOR and few filters, the importance of chest hair.

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15. It just enhances photos.

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16. It brings guys to that next level.

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17. I mean, this guy would be beyond basic without that little bit of hair.

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18. And this guy? Forget about it. As they say on television, “The hair makes the man!”

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19. Lastly, I’ll just leave you with random hot guys with hairy chests because this is BuzzFeed and this is how we prove points.

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20. Yes, please.

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21. Amen.

Frederick M. Brown / Getty Images
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22. Point proven.

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23. I think my work here is done.

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24. I just want to say one more thing: Chest hair is really awesome because it’s a literal style accessory. This shirt would be nothing without the hair. Nothing.

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25. OK bye.

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