20. When Spike Albrecht used his 15 minutes of fame to hit on Kate Upton.
Before Trey Burke got into early foul trouble in the national championship game Spike Albrecht was a completely unknown sub-6-foot freshman guard for the the Michigan Wolverines. Albrecht had never played more than 15 minutes or scored more than seven points in a game the ENTIRE SEASON for Michigan. Then he put up 17 points in 28 minutes on a variety of baller threes and layups. After the game, though his team lost a nail-biter, Spike decided to double down on his luck and hit on Kate Upton — who had been at the game. When you’re hot, you’re hot.
19. How Ryan Lochte tore his MCL.
No one beats their chest while chanting “U-S-A” when a iconic Olympian like Ryan Lochte goes down with a torn MCL. But when you find out the circumstances surrounding his injury — aka he was enthusiastically greeting a female fan who impulsively jumped into his arms — all you can say is, “the American dream.”
18. When the entire country reacted with despondence and rage to Alex Morgan’s engagement.
When soccer star Alex Morgan came onto the scene a couple years ago with the U.S. Woman’s National Team she stole the hearts of every man, woman, and child that lives under the American flag. When she got engaged this week to longtime boyfriend Servando Carrasco the internet mourned — as a nation, indivisible.
17. Whenever Steph Curry entered heat-check mode.
Question: What does this country love more than a gunslinger? Answer: nothing.
16. When Urban Meyer found comfort in pizza after his BCS Championship dreams were ruined.
When OSU choked in the Big 10 title game, costing themselves a trip to the BCS Championship, Urban Meyer plugged his tears in some fast-food pizza — like an American.
15. When Papa John celebrated too hard.
Speaking of fast-food pizza, who could forget the quintessentially American moment of a fast-food tycoon celebrating his role as the super-rich benefactor of an “amateur” champion basketball team from a school he didn’t even attend by getting super-ripped and posing for pictures with frat dudes? Booze is for winners.
14. When Dunk City was born.
The most memorable moments from the opening rounds of the 2013 NCAA Tournament were provided by the Florida Gulf Coast Eagles. They were underdogs in every sense of the word. Their school was founded in 1991. Their team was undersized. And they didn’t let that stop them AT ALL. They took it to Georgetown! Their goofy, gap-toothed coach was married to a Maxim model! Dunk City is the new capital of the United States.
13. When Auburn wished for more wishes.
The Auburn Tigers definitely tricked a genie or something. Triumphing over a dominant opponent through sheer audacity and luck? It’s the story of the Revolutionary War, isn’t it?
12. When Brett Favre was resurrected as a high school offensive coordinator with a beard.
The greatest gunslinger who ever lived has been enjoying retirement in Mississippi by keeping busy as the offensive coordinator of the recently crowned state champion Oak Grove Warriors. He was asked by the St. Louis Rams if he had any interest in a comeback but said no because he was too busy coaching high school football. ALSO, America is embodied in his facial hair.
11. When Larry Ellison bought America’s Cup.
Larry Ellison wanted to win America’s Cup. So what does the Oracle CEO and fifth-richest man in the world do when he wants something? Everything within his incredible fiscal power. America wants. America takes.
10. When this beautiful man signed “America the Beautiful” at the Super Bowl.
*words not necessary*
9. When PGA Championship winner Jason Dufner grabbed his wife’s ass on national television.
Affable, fratty-looking, rap-loving golfer wins his first career major and celebrates with two slaps, a rub, and a squeeze.
8. When Alex Rodriguez gave everyone the middle finger.
Speaking about not giving a fuck, is there anyone who gives less fucks than Alex Rodriguez? With A-Rod facing a possible multi-season suspension from Major League Baseball for alleged PED use, no one thought we’d see him on a baseball field this season. He didn’t care about the fans, the Yankees upper management, the MLB, the MLB’s lawyers, or Bud Selig, and he came back and played. Hate him all you want, his behavior was bold, selfish, badass, insanely vain — in a nutshell, American.
7. When Marshall Henderson stepped onto the national scene.
On the basketball court Marshall Henderson taunts his opponents, flips off fans, fights with his coach, and drains three-pointers. Off the basketball court he gets into a lot of trouble. Henderson is on the fourth and final stop of his college tour, having previously signed on with Utah, Texas Tech, and South Plains College. Along the way he bought 60 grams of marijuana with counterfeit money; went on probation; violated probation by testing positive for alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine; failed to show up for community service; went to jail for 25 days after skipping community service; and finally got arrested again for marijuana and cocaine possession in the offseason (the charges were dropped). He is the biggest wildcard college basketball has seen in a long time, and none of this behavior has affected his game on the floor. Recently he took an absurd 23 three-pointers in an overtime loss to the Oregon Ducks. Obama might as well put this guy on a billboard for second chances.
6. When U.S. soccer fans in Seattle turned a Wu-Tang classic into the best chant of the year.
“We bring the noise. We bring the ruckus. U.S.A. ain’t nothing to fuck with.” *swells with pride*
5. When this superhero threw down a windmill dunk in fatigues and boots.
The simple task of walking in combat boots is difficult. Throwing down a windmill dunk in fatigues at the drop of a hat? That is American military power incarnate.
3. David Ortiz’s speech to the people of Boston.
The Boston Red Sox’s improbable run to win the World Series dates back to the moment when David Ortiz rallied the city and the team from the ruins of the Boston bombing. Saying “fuck” in front of Fenway on live TV is one of the most Boston, and U.S.A., moments ever.