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16 More Reasons To Root Against The Evil Canadians At The Winter Olympics

With the Sochi games mere days away, it’s time to jump-start your crippling case of SOCHI FEVER by directing all your aggression toward our neighbors to the north.

1. Poutine is basically a bunch of condiments thrown on fries.

Want to know who invented putting a bunch of unnecessary crap on top of food that is ALREADY bad for you? America.

2. Canadian comedian Howie Mandel wore this to “honour” the 50th anniversary of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

NBC / Via @LoganRhoades

Disgraceful. I guess this is the sense of “humour” they keep claiming to have?

3. Tim Hortons is simply a poor man’s Dunkin’ Donuts.

Horton hears a who gives a shit?

4. Celsius? Speak English!

5. Canadians are soooo polite, eh? How aboot this hoser?

America patented this kind of rude bumper sticker behavior!

6. In Canada REAL Smarties are called Rockets and Smarties are basically an M&M’s knockoff.

7. A Mazda Miata cruising top-down in a blizzard.

Show some respect for your Mazda vehicle. Its maximum sporting precision wasn’t meant to be wasted on a damp, barren Saskatchewan hellscape.

8. They are responsible for all emo music and its resulting culture.

Scott Gries / Getty

 

Emo, Ontario, is, I assume, the source of everything emo in the world and therefore everything evil. Also Avril Lavigne is Canadian.

9. Canada also shoulders the blame for the game that killed Bubble Boy in Seinfeld.

Moops? Really, Canada?

10. And STUPID ZIPPERS THAT ALWAYS GET CAUGHT!

Shutterstock

11. Canadians claim to have invented America’s pastime.

Doug Pensinger / Getty

Canada thinks it invented baseball.

12. They also take ownership of the sport we kick the world’s collective ass in.

Stacy Revere / Getty

Christian Petersen / Getty

 

Sure, Dr. James Naismith was Canadian, but the game he created started in the United States of America and that’s where it flourished and continues to flourish except for 2004, which is Larry Brown and Richard Jefferson’s fault and is something we don’t talk about. The last time Canada medalled in basketball at the Olympics was 1936.

13. AND SOME CANADIANS ARE BOLD ENOUGH TO THINK THEY INVENTED APPLE PIE!

Granted, we didn’t invent it either. AND YET.

14. They think some dude named Mr. Dressup is cooler than our homeboy Mr. Rogers.

 

North America is Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood so you better take that trash elsewhere.

15. Rob Ford!

Mark Blinch / Reuters

Mark Blinch / Reuters

 

And FINALLY…

16. Igloos are SO overrated.

Cold plus cold does not equal warm.

But in all seriousness, Canada, best of luck in Sochi! You’re gonna need it.

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