This Is For Everyone Hopelessly In Love With Corey Stoll

Let me quench my thirst with a STOLLi martini.

1. Does the name “Corey Stoll” not ring the alarm for you? Does it not elicit a thirst that begs to be quenched? Then sit back, my friend, and listen:

2. This bald and beautiful studmuffin is Corey Stoll — full-time film and television actor, full-time life ruiner.

Frazer Harrison / Via Getty Images

3. You might know him as U.S. Rep. Peter Russo of the Netflix hit House of Cards.

Here he is brooding and also naked in a tub. Perhaps an image you would like permanently tattooed behind your eyelids.

4. Or maybe you first noticed him as Ernest Hemingway in the fantasy rom-com Midnight in Paris.

Sony Pictures Classics / Via thewrap.com

He made the biggest literary mansplainer look hot — a crime for which he shall never be forgiven or forgotten.

5. And you’ll see him in the upcoming film adaptation of the novel This Is Where I Leave You.

Warner Bros. / youtube.com

Warner Bros. / youtube.com

 

He’ll be playing sibling to Tina Fey, Jason Bateman, and Adam Driver — as well as son to Jane Fonda — in what looks to be a great movie that your boyfriend will sleep through while you bawl your eyes out.

6. But you can currently see him on FX’s The Strain with a wig that just won’t give up when it needs to.

7. Dear The Strain showrunners — LET’S KEEP IT NATURAL AND GORGEOUS.

Netflix / Via riceblue.tumblr.com

To caress and massage what I am sure is a supple head containing not-lame conversation starters and easy recipes for breakfast in bed.

8. But the kind people at FX did give us this.

10. Still, Corey can work all the hair he wants — be it on his head.

Kevin Winter / Via Getty Images

UGH.

11. Or above his upper lip.

Alberto E. Rodriguez / Via Getty Images

WOOF.

12. [Beyoncé’s “Rocket” plays in the distance]

Alberto E. Rodriguez / Via Getty Images

♬ YOU AIN’T RIGHT FOR DOING IT TO ME LIKE THAT, DADDY ♬

13. In sum: PLEASE, COREY STOLL.

Frederick M. Brown / Via Getty Images

14. GET YOUR GOOD-LOOKING SELF—

Stephen Lovekin / Via Getty Images

15. —ON OUR SCREENS MORE OFTEN—

Dave Buchan / Via Getty Images

16. —AND IN OUR LIVES 24/7.

Alberto E. Rodriguez / Via Getty Images

BYE.

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