1. Does the name “Corey Stoll” not ring the alarm for you? Does it not elicit a thirst that begs to be quenched? Then sit back, my friend, and listen:
2. This bald and beautiful studmuffin is Corey Stoll — full-time film and television actor, full-time life ruiner.
3. You might know him as U.S. Rep. Peter Russo of the Netflix hit House of Cards.
Here he is brooding and also naked in a tub. Perhaps an image you would like permanently tattooed behind your eyelids.
4. Or maybe you first noticed him as Ernest Hemingway in the fantasy rom-com Midnight in Paris.
He made the biggest literary mansplainer look hot — a crime for which he shall never be forgiven or forgotten.
5. And you’ll see him in the upcoming film adaptation of the novel This Is Where I Leave You.
He’ll be playing sibling to Tina Fey, Jason Bateman, and Adam Driver — as well as son to Jane Fonda — in what looks to be a great movie that your boyfriend will sleep through while you bawl your eyes out.
6. But you can currently see him on FX’s The Strain with a wig that just won’t give up when it needs to.
7. Dear The Strain showrunners — LET’S KEEP IT NATURAL AND GORGEOUS.
To caress and massage what I am sure is a supple head containing not-lame conversation starters and easy recipes for breakfast in bed.
10. Still, Corey can work all the hair he wants — be it on his head.
11. Or above his upper lip.
12. [Beyoncé’s “Rocket” plays in the distance]
♬ YOU AIN’T RIGHT FOR DOING IT TO ME LIKE THAT, DADDY ♬
13. In sum: PLEASE, COREY STOLL.
14. GET YOUR GOOD-LOOKING SELF—
15. —ON OUR SCREENS MORE OFTEN—
16. —AND IN OUR LIVES 24/7.