10. John Smith (“Pocahontas”)
Sure, he has nice bone structure, but that’s about all John Smith can offer. He’s part of the group of settlers destined to completely screw over the Native Americans, including his beloved Pocahontas. No matter how much Disney flubs the story, Pocahontas still includes the song “Savages.” Plus, John Smith is voiced by Mel Gibson, which — while once a point in his favor — has become a mark of shame.
9. The Prince (“Snow White”)
Snow White’s Prince is so boring, he doesn’t even get a name. His best quality is that he’s rather pretty, which actually kind of works against him. The Prince might very well be too pretty: You’re doing something wrong when your lips are redder than Snow White’s. (Hers are red as blood!) In fact, put a Snow White wig on him and they’re basically identical.
8. Prince Charming (“Cinderella”)
Another generic, nameless prince. (Please, “Charming” hardly counts.) The only reason Cinderella’s prince ranks higher than Snow White’s is his jawline. I also dig his tan — it looks like he just got back from fox hunting, or whatever it is princes do — and his epaulets. Way more stylish than Snow White’s prince, with his weird poofy sleeves.
7. Prince Phillip (“Sleeping Beauty”)
Now we’re making some strides toward an actual personality. Prince Phillip is a total cutie, and he’s also more proactive than Snow White’s or Cinderella’s princes — those jerks just sing a lot. Despite the inherently creepy element of Sleeping Beauty (he has to kiss an unconscious princess), Phillip is just charming enough to best the other old-school Disney competition.
6. Li Shang (“Mulan”)
Li Shang is definitely handsome, though personally I prefer a man with fewer muscles. Unfortunately, he’s also kind of a chauvinist. I get that he’s a product of his time, but “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”? Please. Also, minor deduction for sounding like the great B.D. Wong when he speaks — then opening his mouth and singing as Donnie Osmond.
5. The Beast/Prince Adam (“Beauty and the Beast”)
Ah, yes, the weird creature that made us all think, “I’m not a furry, but now I totally get it.” The Beast transforms from domineering brute to snuggly sweetheart. Frankly, he’d be higher on the list, but unfortunately his true form, Prince Adam, is just too bland and beefcake-y. Sorry, prince: You were way hotter when you were covered in a thick coat of hair.
4. Flynn Rider (“Tangled”)
Let’s talk about what’s working and what’s not working. The hair flip, the eyebrows — very sexy. Flynn Rider is a prince with a little edge, and I dig that. What doesn’t work is that he’s a thief, a valid career choice but not for the man you’re going to settle down with. Also, Flynn is CGI. I can’t help it: I’m biased toward the classic style. Computers can make anyone look sexy; I’m more impressed when you draw a hunk.
3. Prince Naveen (“The Princess and the Frog”)
Even though he spends much of his film as a frog, Prince Naveen leaves a lasting impression as one of the most handsome and interesting Disney princes. In addition to being one of the few princes of color on the list, he’s also got a delightful accent and real musical talent. OK, he’s kind of a cad, but that just means Princess Tiana has more to do. (She’s the best princess, by the way.)
2. Prince Eric (“The Little Mermaid”)
Hunk alert! Prince Eric — with his big blue eyes, jet-black hair, and incredibly expressive eyebrows — is arguably the most attractive prince on the list. If you’re a straight woman or gay man, and you didn’t have a crush on Prince Eric at some point, you’re either lying or in denial. He’s sweet. He’s romantic. He loves dogs. I’d give up my fins to be with him.
1. Aladdin/Prince Ali (“Aladdin”)
Yes, he looks a lot like Prince Eric. But if you have to choose between two handsome dark-haired Disney princes, go for the one with a little more personality. That would be Aladdin, who is kind of a cad but mostly just trying to make the best of his crappy lot in life. And hey, if you care about material goods, he does come with a flying carpet. Sure, he’s often dirty and he might have fleas. Still, I think he’s rather tasty.