1. This is Retta. She plays Donna on “Parks and Recreation.”
3. This is Retta on Twitter, @unfoRETTAble.
She’s perfect, and you should follow her.
4. Retta is comfortable in her own skin.
Stopped 4 a Thai massage on the way home and dude was so deep widdit I actually let out an audible “Get it son!” He did not understand me.— Retta
5. She’s self-aware.
I need to hurry up and become an American icon before Kenan Thompson leaves SNL.— Retta
6. She’s honest.
Who else upon hearing mention of kegels in a film immediately begins kegeling? #Guilty #KeepItTightKeepItRight— Retta
7. Like, REALLY honest.
You know itâ€™s freezing when your nips hurt. I could cut glass with these things.— Retta
8. But most importantly, Retta is the QUEEN of livetweeting.
9. She watches “Smash.”
Derek says he wants something raw and OF COURSE Karen thinks to call Too Angry 4 Life Frick & Dead Arms Frack. #PuhLease
I saw Gypsy at a community theater in Temecula and it had more sex appeal than this number. This 2-step is NOT arousing. #SMASH— Retta
Um, when did they rehearse ANY of this???? #TheVampireDiaries is more believable than this episode of #SMASH.— Retta
13. She watches “Girls.”
Omigod sex in a graveyard w/a 19 year-old wearing denim shorts is 2 of my sex nightmares rolled into 1!! #GIRLS— Retta
How MANY times am I gonna have to see Hannah pee in this episode? #GIRLS— Retta
If Jessa was my friend (sheâ€™d never be) & left me at her dadâ€™s raggedy ass crib after shaming me into eating bunny meat, Iâ€™d cut her. #GIRLS— Retta
17. She watches “Scandal.”
Mellie ainâ€™t slick. Her scheming is going to come back and bite her in her conniving ass. #SCANDAL— Retta
Careful Fitz. U gonâ€™ burn a hole through Livâ€™s dress if u keep staring like that. Or is that what youâ€™re hoping? Too late sucka. #SCANDAL— Retta
21. She watches “The Walking Dead.”
I feel like one-eye coulda done a better job with that eye patch.
Why Rick so stubborn? Yâ€™all gon need some back up son + all the other black folk on the show are dead. Help a bruthuh out. #MoNegroesPlease— Retta
Just b/c itâ€™s end of days donâ€™t mean we should be racially insensitive.
25. She watches “Downton Abbey.”
Aw shit! Mr. Bates lookinâ€™ dapper like a muhfuhkuh.
Omigod did the earl just say that the lads at Eton were â€˜bout it, â€˜bout it?!?!?!#OverHereRolling #ICant
If this fool doesnâ€™t stop w/ this ridiculous dining room tutorial of cricket â€¦someoneâ€™s gonna crack his â€œdelicate but strongâ€ ass. #Downton— Retta
29. She watches “The Vampire Diaries.”
Oh Jeremy. If yâ€™all went to as many classes as ya do dances youâ€™d know the answer to that.#TheVampireDiaries— Retta
Wow this dudeâ€™s got ALL KINDS of gadgets. Heâ€™s the Bruce Wayne of vamp hunters. #TheVampireDiaries— Retta
WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUU???????
Did this bitch just-
Iâ€™m at a loss, I canâ€™t even, was he wearing, WHAAAAAT?!?!#TheVampireDiaries— Retta
33. Following Retta is like watching TV with Retta.
And she’s probably not going to come over and watch TV with you, so this is the next best thing.