How The TV Version Of “Clueless” Ruined Everything

Translating Cher’s world to network TV? As if.

1. In 1996, ABC launched a TV version of Amy Heckerling’s Clueless. It was nothing like the movie and it’s a tragedy it ever made it on the air. I mean, just look at how lame the TV logo is:

Netflix / Paramount Pictures / youtube.com

2. And here is movie Mel vs. TV Mel. Movie Mel had depth and integrity. TV Mel seemed very embarrassing and unreasonable.

Netflix / Paramount / youtube.com

TV Mel definitely does not have a .45 and a shovel. Sadly.

3. They replaced Josh — the dreamy Paul Rudd — with IMPOSTER JOSH, played by David Lascher.

Paramount Television/Courtesy Everett Collection

TV Josh would never even think of getting Marky Mark to come to a Tree People meeting. Nor would he ever grow chin pubes.

4. And the role of Cher was taken on by Rachel Blanchard. I get that she looks KINNNNDAAA like Alicia Silverstone. But TV Cher was a total ditz.

Paramount Television/Courtesy Everett Collection

No. Literally a ditz. Like, didn’t understand how to answer basic questions. Cared only about her looks. Was COMPLLLLLLEEETELY spoiled.

5. AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE TAI?!?!?! HOW DARE YOU.

That fake tan is offensive.

6. On the TV version, the fashion morphed into uber-girly pastel puke:

Paramount Television/Courtesy Everett Collection

For someone supposedly very picky about her shoes, New Cher doesn’t seem picky about her choices in handbags.

7. Elisa Donovan stayed on as Amber, who became even more annoying. And her outfit choices weren’t so ~inspired~ as they were an explosion of ’90s mall madness:

Paramount Television/Courtesy Everett Collection

8. Donald Faison also stayed on as Murray. But he was no longer cool.

Paramount Television/Courtesy Everett Collection

WOMAN: DON’T LEND HIM FIVE DOLLAHS.

9. Stacey Dash did her best with the TV version of Dionne, but I think once her signature braids were taken away, something just didn’t click.

Paramount Television/Courtesy Everett Collection

At least TV Dionne would probably still abhor polyester hair.

10. What was often weird about the TV show was how they tried to recreate similar setups to the movie.

In this TV scene, Cher even tries to defend herself to Josh by pointing out how she has “donated many cute Italian outfits to the Goodwill.” ONLY REAL CHER IS ALLOWED TO DO THIS AND ONLY TO HER MAID LUCY.

11. And the Dionne/Murray on-and-off fighting was ever present. This one was just like the beginning Valley party: Murray dances with another girl.

AND HE CALLS HER WOMAN. SHE HATES WHEN YOU CALL HER WOMAN.

12. Sooo how do you feel now? Not so good? I KNOW. This about sums it up:

Paramount / tumblr.com

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