1. Wait a second, why are we watching commercials? We DVR’d this.
2. Why aren’t you fast-forwarding through the commercials?
3. Because you are the closest one to the remote.
4. YOU ARE FAST-FORWARDING TOO FAST THROUGH THE COMMERCIALS.
5. Great, now 45 seconds of Game of Thrones has been spoiled for me.
6. Did you DELETE MY THING—?! Oh wait, nevermind, here it is.
7. Did you remember to record that show?
8. What do you mean, you thought I was recording it?
9. Why do you not just set this show to series record? Then we won’t have to go through this every week.
10. Did you seriously set this to only record the West Coast feed?
11. We have a perfectly good East Coast feed that airs things 3 hours before the West Coast feed.
12. The West Coast feed is basically useless.
13. Why is The Daily Show and the Colbert Report still set to series record?
14. Seriously, some of these are like a month old.
15. Will you please just give it up? You are never going to watch all these Daily Shows and Colbert Reports.
16. When did our DVR become 50% Bravo and CW shows?
17. I’m sorry our DVR has become 50% Bravo and CW shows.
18. Why are you still DVRing Homeland?
19. You know Homeland isn’t going to get better.
20. It isn’t. Just admit to yourself that Homeland is never going to get better and move on with your life.
21. Why did you stop that show during the credits?
22. I wanted to watch the previews for next week.
23. Yes, I know the previews for Mad Men are basically useless.
24. I don’t care. At this point, On the Next Episode of Mad Men is basically the best show on AMC besides actual Mad Men.
25. WE’RE NOT GOING TO START WATCHING TURN. STOP ASKING IF YOU SHOULD RECORD IT.
26. I need to talk to you about something.
27. Something very serious.
28. Did you watch our show without me?
29. I know you watched our show without me.
30. Look, I’m not mad, I’m just horribly betrayed and I think you should sleep on the couch.
31. We need to talk about how much DVR space we have left.
32. Are you going to watch this stuff, or can I just delete it?
33. Well, then when are you going to watch it?
34. I’m just asking.
35. I’m seriously just asking.
36. Are you really going to just start watching five hours of Top Gear right now, out of spite?
37. You don’t even like cars.
38. Why are you keeping this show after we’ve just watched it?
39. We’ve already watched it.
40. We don’t need to keep it. We can delete it.
41. Well, if you want to watch it again, you can just watch it online.
42. OK, this is why we’re running out of DVR space. THIS, right here.
43. OK, we just deleted a crap load of shows, why do we still only have 17% of our storage space left?
44. Why are you running like hell to the kitchen? We have a DVR.
45. Why are you running with your pants halfway down to the bathroom? We have. a. DVR.
46. You seriously need to go to the bathroom again? We just paused it.
47. STOP FAST-FORWARDING THROUGH THE COMMERCIAL, THE SHOW IS BACK— oh wait, that’s just a preview for the show.
48. Why do they do previews for shows in the commercial breaks for the show? We are already watching the show.
49. Great, now my fast-forwarding rhythm is off, THANKS SHOW.
50. Look, we can’t record more than two things at the same time.
51. Look, we can’t just record two of your things while you are gone and I am home.
52. What am I supposed to do, just watch your shows while I am home alone? THAT IS PRIME ME SHOWS TIME.
53. No, I can’t just DVR sports. That is totally pointless.
54. We are just going to have to make some hard decisions about what we are going to record.
55. What’s that?
56. Oh my God, you’re right. That IS what the West Coast feed is for.
57. See this? This is why we are together.