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What’s Actually Happening In 27 Infomercials

Call now to receive a special discount on this WEAPONIZED SODA. Inspired by Reddit.

1. And in that moment, Martha swore she would find a way to become the first android to feel love.

2. Jenna had told her friends that her boss was just a big teddy bear, so she didn’t understand their surprise.

3. There was nothing Jeff loathed more than small portions. This was America, dammit.

4. Eric loved the fish, he loved to see the way they wriggled as he squished them in his small hands.

5. Phil waited for the right moment, and then he took it out.

6. Maxine was the master of faking excitement when it came to strange birthday gifts.

7. Randy tried, but he couldn’t find a friend who told better jokes than his razor.

8. The Colon Colony had come to Earth seeking a new life, but now they longed for home.

9. All the kids in the neighborhood remembered exactly where they had been on the day Eileen finally lost it.

10. Rich’s father had told him a good hacksaw would solve any problem, but that just wasn’t true on Gender Role Reversal Day.

11. When Denise told her sponsor she had been drinking since the second grade, her sponsor laughed. Denise didn’t.

12. Felicia didn’t ask for much in life, so when she did, she damn well expected to get it.

13. Ted was proving to be even more troublesome in death than he had been in life.

14. Humanity changed forever on the day women discovered their nipples were actually just inflation buttons.

15. The X-Men had tried to recruit Billy twice now, but he was too embarrassed by his powers to embrace them.

16. She may have been imprisoned by an alien race, but Theresa would not let the song of her people be silenced.

17. On the way out of the shower, Sebastiani tripped over HIS OWN FABULOUSNESS.

18. Timmy loved a good debate, and no one challenged him more than his glass of water.

19. Terry knew his family was embarrassed by him, but he would not be excluded from the reunion again.

20. “If you don’t behave, I’ll just have to separate you,” Celine sternly told her breasts.

21. Janet knew the nuclear holocaust was drawing nigh, and she was prepared.

22. This was Rob’s curse, passed down from generation to generation: Women’s shirts inexplicably ripped open in his presence.

23. “I’ve got it. WEAPONIZED SODA!” Alfred cried, and the board of directors broke into thunderous applause.

24. At last, the dick propper-upper Stefan had longed for all those years!

25. “WE’RE ALL JUST MARIONETTES WITH NO MASTER!” Anna cried to the mute stars.

26. In all of Linda’s past experiences, the D had been smaller than expected. But not this time.

27. Grandpa always said the key to a long life was a good morning bump.

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