What’s Actually Happening In 27 Infomercials

Call now to receive a special discount on this WEAPONIZED SODA. Inspired by Reddit.

1. And in that moment, Martha swore she would find a way to become the first android to feel love.

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2. Jenna had told her friends that her boss was just a big teddy bear, so she didn’t understand their surprise.

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3. There was nothing Jeff loathed more than small portions. This was America, dammit.

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4. Eric loved the fish, he loved to see the way they wriggled as he squished them in his small hands.

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5. Phil waited for the right moment, and then he took it out.

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6. Maxine was the master of faking excitement when it came to strange birthday gifts.

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7. Randy tried, but he couldn’t find a friend who told better jokes than his razor.

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8. The Colon Colony had come to Earth seeking a new life, but now they longed for home.

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9. All the kids in the neighborhood remembered exactly where they had been on the day Eileen finally lost it.

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10. Rich’s father had told him a good hacksaw would solve any problem, but that just wasn’t true on Gender Role Reversal Day.

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11. When Denise told her sponsor she had been drinking since the second grade, her sponsor laughed. Denise didn’t.

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12. Felicia didn’t ask for much in life, so when she did, she damn well expected to get it.

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13. Ted was proving to be even more troublesome in death than he had been in life.

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14. Humanity changed forever on the day women discovered their nipples were actually just inflation buttons.

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15. The X-Men had tried to recruit Billy twice now, but he was too embarrassed by his powers to embrace them.

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16. She may have been imprisoned by an alien race, but Theresa would not let the song of her people be silenced.

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17. On the way out of the shower, Sebastiani tripped over HIS OWN FABULOUSNESS.

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18. Timmy loved a good debate, and no one challenged him more than his glass of water.

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19. Terry knew his family was embarrassed by him, but he would not be excluded from the reunion again.

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20. “If you don’t behave, I’ll just have to separate you,” Celine sternly told her breasts.

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21. Janet knew the nuclear holocaust was drawing nigh, and she was prepared.

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22. This was Rob’s curse, passed down from generation to generation: Women’s shirts inexplicably ripped open in his presence.

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23. “I’ve got it. WEAPONIZED SODA!” Alfred cried, and the board of directors broke into thunderous applause.

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24. At last, the dick propper-upper Stefan had longed for all those years!

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25. “WE’RE ALL JUST MARIONETTES WITH NO MASTER!” Anna cried to the mute stars.

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26. In all of Linda’s past experiences, the D had been smaller than expected. But not this time.

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27. Grandpa always said the key to a long life was a good morning bump.

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