1. Why am I paying money to imprison my boobs?
2. Is this anti-feminist on some level?
3. I hope no one I know is here.
4. Maybe I’ll just leave and keep wearing my sports bra from high school.
5. Man, high school sucked.
6. Should I get measured?
7. Do I have to be naked to get measured?
8. But is it really accurate if you do it over my clothes?
9. Well, this is uncomfortable.
10. Should I make conversation?
11. “Haha, sorry, I’m totally wearing my sports bra from high school. Haha.”
12. “Haha, I’m an Aquarius, what about you? Haha.”
13. “Haha, Janice is a really pretty name. Am I saying that right? Janice? Haha.”
14. Shit, did Janice just tell me my size? Did I miss it? I shouldn’t have made conversation.
15. I’m what size?
16. THAT’S NOT TRUE, THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE.
17. I’ve been wearing the wrong size bra my whole life.
18. My whole life has been a lie.
19. What do these numbers even mean?
20. What do these letters even mean?
21. Sesame Street has failed me entirely in this respect.
22. WHY ARE WE PAIRING NUMBERS AND LETTERS WITH BOOBS?
23. Maybe Janice knows.
24. But I think Janice might hate me.
25. Janice is probably a Scorpio.
26. FUCK YOU, QUAD-BOOB.
27. Are my nipples a normal size?
28. What is a “normal size” for a nipple?
29. Is there a standard nipple-to-boob ratio out there?
30. Oh, I want to try on the sexy lacy one.
31. It will be my Beyoncé bra, I will wear it and magically receive the confidence and sexy gait of Beyoncé.
32. WHAT IS THIS LACE MADE OF, ITCHING POWDER?
33. Are all the comfy ones this grandma-skin beige color?
34. How do men learn to unclasp these things?
35. Do they practice on their moms’ bras when their brains are still developmentally malleable?
36. I’ll probably die alone.
37. Ooo, a pretty colored one!
38. I love it, this it it!
39. Damnit, this will show through every shirt I own.
40. Even my black shirts.
41. Could I make leopard print work?
42. No, I could not.
43. This one is pretty but I don’t think it holds me in. (hops in place)
44. Ariel’s bra in The Little Mermaid is the biggest lie Disney ever told me.
45. FINE, fuck pretty, back to the beige.
46. What do they pad these things with? Mattresses?
47. Is the Beyoncé bra just a CRUEL MYTH?
48. CAN YOU TELL ME, JANICE?
49. Underwire, I love you.
50. Underwire, I hate you.
51. I wonder how many women have tried this bra on before me.
52. Does that bond us, cosmically?
53. Is there a bra that can make my boobs look exactly the same size?
54. Is there a bra that minimizes the appearance of my armpit fat?
55. Is there a bra that minimizes the appearance of my overall body fat?
56. WHOSE BOOBS ARE THIS SHAPE?
57. I can’t remember my life before I came into this dressing room.
58. Oh, this one is actually kinda nice.
59. OK wow, either this fits, or I’m hallucinating from stress.
60. Pulls me in, lifts me up, fits nicely, the color is flattering…
61. …Can it be?
62. THIS IS IT!
63. GREAT NEWS, JANICE!
64. Do I need to get matching underwear or can I get away with the similar underwear I already have?
65. The similar ones are fine.
66. This was totally worth the struggle, now just have to check out —
67. That’s most of my paycheck, YOU STUPID FLIMSY CUPS MADE OF CLOTH.
68. YOU ARE JUST A BOOB PRISON, AN EXPENSIVE BOOB PRISON.
69. Maybe I’ll just leave and keep wearing my sports bra from high school.
70. Ugh, fine, I’ll buy you.
71. But I’m never doing this again.