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What Your Middle School Band Instrument Says About You

EVERYTHING.

Ingram Publishing / Via Thinkstock

2. YOU PLAYED:


Clarinet

Ambitious and high-achieving, you take competition very seriously. As a child you were bookish, quiet, and perhaps even wan. You had a little-known dark side. You do very well with clear goals and directions. After obtaining as many degrees as it was possible to reasonably obtain, you briefly panicked. What else is life if not a series of high grades? You settle into adulthood with good credit and an admirable book collection.

Flute

You are both intense and delicate, by turns chipper and and melancholy. You likely also took figure skating lessons. While most people moved on from your generation’s most popular boy band after their second album, you bought tickets to each of their reunion tours. You were voted most likely to fly away on the wings of a million doves and angels. People like talking to you because you’re good at making everyday occurrences sound VERY. DRAMATIC.

Oboe

As someone who was likely either a Scandinavian foreign exchange student or a private/public school transfer, your outsider status—a curse in high school—provided you with unexpected social cachet in college. You are both adaptable and resilient—you have to be if you play an instrument that makes that kind of sound. Halfway through your career you will make an abrupt switch to something that will make you fantastically wealthy and famous in your new field.

Bassoon

You were “that kid.” Your deep inner strength allowed you to be unafraid of being different. You can sport a jaunty hat or some bold argyle socks and no one’s going to tell you what’s what. You’ve always possessed the wisdom of someone much older. As somewhat of a secret genius, which, seriously, no one ever suspected, you go on to achieve much success because you play by your own rules.

Saxophone

You were kind of a hot shot and kind of a “playa” with a lust for attention. The band teacher likely told you to chill out. Maybe you didn’t soulfully play your instrument out on a fire escape (or maybe you did???), but you have a soulful ambition that will never let you down. You may have taken a little while to find yourself, but you were always charming along the way. People like having you around, you popular minx. You’ve since taken a slower approach to life, and now own several very soft, warm blankets.

French Horn

You picked this instrument based on its prefix and its intricate design. “French Horn is the hardest instrument to play,” you whispered to the trombone player next to you. People called you precocious until you aged out of the term, and then people started saying you have “a lot of opinions.” The confidence you gained from brazenly emptying out a spit valve will serve you for the rest of your life. Your online dating profile is richly detailed and your home, stunning.

Trumpet

You were the type of child to say to yourself, “I want to play the one with three buttons that makes fart noises.” You were not popular, per se, but you’ve enjoyed long stretches of peer respect, appreciation for your raucous brand of slapstick humor, and, sometimes, intense fear. Yeah, you know how to get rowdy. In your lifetime you will be a groomsman/bridesmaid upwards of 20 times.

Trombone

As the sensitive middle child of a large family (or, perhaps, the only child in a small one), you sought attention in the form of carrying something enormous around on a daily basis. Band was not your first choice of extracurricular, but your parents informed you that colleges would not recognize the Magic: The Gathering club you held in your basement with your two friends. You are a kind and deeply loyal friend.

Tuba

Almost by necessity you are surly, brawny, and self-deprecating. You have never once, in your entire life, made your own bed unless commanded to do so. Once everyone realized that you were funny, you almost certainly quit band. You have a penchant for thinking you’ve invented things that have either already been invented, or that nobody but you would ever use. And yet, you host amazing barbecues.

Percussion

You were, at least once, described by someone who worked at your school as “a problem child.” Loud and attention-seeking, you find it hard to sit still, both literally and figuratively. Halfway through high school you made an abrupt conversion from hyper-active geek with overgrown bangs to smolderingly hot stoner. Other kids in the band resented you, and yet wanted to be you. You will start at least one non-profit and belong to at least one farmers’ market co-op.

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