19 Reasons Superstitious People Have To Read This Post Or Else Be Cursed

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

1. It’s not even that you *really* believe in all this stuff.

It’s just that the idea of abandoning your various ritualized self-protection measures and safety and health charms leaves you petrified, because the idea that you’re simply a set of organs drifting through time on a doomed planet, unable to control your own life and circumstances, is too much to bear. Lol.

2. PLEASE LET RABBITS’ FEET BE GOOD LUCK FOR SOME REASON BECAUSE OTHERWISE I’M SCARED, HAHA

3. Even if you don’t believe in a higher power (or aren’t sure), you’re kinda still afraid it will strike you down at any moment.

Basically you’re one of the Hogwarts kids who won’t even say Voldemort when everybody still thought Voldemort was completely dead.

4. You’re always pretty sure SOMETHING bad will happen each Friday the 13th.

Like 13th floors in office buildings, 13ths that fall on Fridays should be eliminated. Just skip it. Just get rid of it.

5. If you have even the slightest suspicion that you left a burner on, or your door unlocked, you HAVE to go back home.

Because if you don’t, your entire house will burn down, and you will have basically been asking the universe for it.

6. Black cats, even as youths, are NEVER “cute.” They are harbingers of doom.

Don’t wave at me you filthy beast.

7. Knocking on wood is so silly, ha-ha. It literally means nothing, I know, TOTALLY. I’m just doing it quickly as a joke.

Omg why is there no wood anywhere around here.

8. Whenever something *does* seem to confirm one of your superstitions, you tell everyone, and remember it forever.

You didn’t think it was going to be a big deal that you dropped a hand mirror that once, and yet here we are, four months later, and someone stole your debit card and bought $42 worth of comic books. I warned you.

9. Confess: you’ve thrown salt before, haven’t you?

EVERYONE here has drawn a salt ring on the kitchen floor that one night when they were babysitting and the kids were asleep and they thought they heard a weird murderer-y sound coming from the basement.

10. You’re totally not walking around the outside of the ladder because it’s bad LUCK, you’re doing it because who walks under collapsible objects?

(Plus the curse but really it’s about common sense)

11. Your face when you realize two kinda-bad things have happened recently.

THERE IS GOING TO BE A THIRD. Goddammit, there’s gonna be a third.

12. There is NO WAY IN HELL you could ever visit a psychic, even as a hilarious joke, because if anyone tells you when or how you’ll die it will ruin the rest of your life.

All you can tell me is that it’ll happen on a “sunny day” ???? WTF WHERE CAN I MOVE WITHOUT SUN

13. And when your horoscope tells you that the 19th-22nd will be your hardest days, you prepare for them with an intensity not unlike someone stockpiling for a nuclear apocalypse.

You’re like, “Anders — clear my calendar.” (In this scenario you have an assistant named Anders.)

14. There is no time of day you hate more than 11:11.

It’s just too much f#$@ing pressure, okay?!?!? I don’t have that many good wishes, I just don’t.

15. And having to blow out candles on your birthday fills you with nothing but anger and dread.

How DARE your so-called friends throw your future into the balance like this. What if one of those candles does not go out. Will they be there for you then?

16. You have between 1-3 disgusting pieces of fabric — they can hardly be considered clothing — that you keep because you think cotton can make a sports team win a thing.

Chip Griffin / Via Flickr: chipgriffin

Listen, pal, do you want the Packers to win, or do you want me to stop smearing this t-shirt with mustard and letting it air dry on my body because one time I was eating a hot dog and mustard spilled on me and they beat the Vikings that very same day?

17. You tend to imbue your crushes with TOO MUCH COSMIC MEANING.

I mean do you think it is just a COINCIDENCE that I was reading Mockingjay and HE was like “oh is that the one after the movie that came out last spring” ??????

18. This is the most stressful picture you’ve ever seen in all your life.

Well, great, I guess I know what I’m doing for the next four hours.

19. This is your actual worst nightmare.

What a Sophie’s Choice situation these emails are! Either you delete the email and feel brief (but overwhelming!) concern that you will indeed die, and hope only that you deleted it quickly enough that the curse is weakened at least a little, OR you read it through, forward it to 10 friends, and wait for one of them to come kill you for being the kind of person who forwards email chain letters.

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