As the World Cup draws near, predictions of who will win it all are in full effect. Mostly, these predictions are based on the skills of each country’s players, their history, injury reports, etc. But what if instead of human players, each country had to enter its national animal as its champion in a fight to the death?
Here is what the outcome would probably look like.
2. GROUP MATCHES
3. Group A: Brazil, Croatia, Mexico, Cameroon
Cameroon is immediately eliminated because it doesn’t have a national animal, leaving the other three to slug it out. Although cute, the marten from Croatia is no match for Brazil’s jaguar and Mexico’s golden eagle.
Runner Up: Mexico
4. Group B: Spain, Australia, Chile, Netherlands
The Spanish bull tramples Australia’s kangaroo, as the Netherlands’ lion devours Chile’s North Andean huemul.
Runner Up: Netherlands
5. Group C: Greece, Japan, Colombia, Ivory Coast
In the battle of the birds, Colombia’s Andean condor demolishes Japan’s green pheasant. Meanwhile, the Ivory Coast’s African elephant slays Greece’s dolphin, since dolphins shouldn’t be on land, anyway.
Winner: Ivory Coast
Runner Up: Colombia
6. Group D: Costa Rica, Italy, England, Uruguay
Uruguay’s rufous hornero never saw the Italian wolf until it was too late. Same goes for the white-tailed deer from Costa Rica, whose last thought was, “Wait, is that a lion?”
Runner Up: England
7. Group E: France, Ecuador, Switzerland, Honduras
Honduras’ white-tailed deer is no match for the mighty wing span of Ecuador’s Andean condor, and is thusly forced off a cliff to its demise. And poor Switzerland’s cow is slowly pecked to death by France’s gallic rooster. Sacré bleu!
Runner Up: France
8. Group F: Iran, Argentina, Nigeria, Bosnia and Herzegovina
Like Cameroon, Bosnia and Herzegovina is disqualified for not having a national animal. This is bad news for Iran’s Persian cat, since Nigeria’s eagle is allergic and decides to take no mercy on the furry feline. This is good news for Argentina’s rufous hornero, who gets a free ticket into the next round.
Runner Up: Argentina
9. Group G: Ghana, USA, Portugal, Germany
Holy crap! It’s the battle of the eagles! And one rooster! Germany’s golden eagle faces off against Ghana’s eagle, ultimately destroying it since, like The Highlander, there can only be one. At the same time, Portugal’s Barcelos cock plays dirty and convinces the United States’ bald eagle to stay up late partying, leaving it hungover and vulnerable. Needless to say, the cock triumphs.
Runner Up: Germany
10. Group H: Belgium, South Korea, Algeria, Russia
The Russian bear and Belgium’s lion have an epic battle, but the bear is just too much for the poor kitty in the end. And Algeria’s adorable fennec fox is swallowed whole by South Korea’s tiger.
Runner Up: S. Korea
11. ROUND OF 16
12. Group A Winner vs. Group B runner up
Slow and full from eating Chile’s huemul, Netherlands’ lion is outmatched by Brazil’s jaguar. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion dies tonight.
13. Group B winner vs. Group A runner up
Though swift and cunning, Mexico’s golden eagle ends up with a horn to the belly, courtesy of Spain’s bull.
14. Group C winner vs. Group D runner up
It was easy for the Ivory Coast’s African elephant to defeat Greece’s dolphin, but it is an entirely different story when faced with an actual opponent like England’s lion. In the end, the lion emerges victorious with a stomach full of elephant meat.
15. Group D winner vs. Group C runner up
Colombia’s Andean condor gets a little too cocky and strikes too soon, which is just what the Italian wolf wants.
16. Group E winner vs. Group F runner up
Ecuador’s Andean condor, exhausted after defeating Honduras’ white-tailed deer, is surprisingly taken out after Argentina’s energetic rufous hornero pecks out its eyes.
17. Group F winner vs. Group E runner up
Just when France’s rooster is about to deliver the death blow, Nigeria’s eagle sinks its talons into the rooster’s neck, producing a gushing stream of Gallic blood.
18. Group G winner vs. Group H runner up
Duh, South Korea’s tiger has chicken for dinner.
Winner: S. Korea
19. Group H winner vs. Group G runner up
Germany’s golden eagle never really stood a chance when it faced Russia’s bear. Yeah, it got some good scratches in, but, y’know… It’s a bear, for chrissake.
20. QUARTER FINALS
21. Brazil vs. England
In a bloody, messy, drag out fight, the Brazilian jaguar is left standing. The circle of life, indeed.
22. Argentina vs. S. Korea
South Korea’s tiger swallows Argentina’s rufous hornero whole and alive, just like it did the fennec fox. However, it should have chewed and is surprised when the feisty bird pecks its way out of the tiger’s throat. The tiger dies gasping for air.
23. Spain vs. Italy
Wow. What a fight. Spain’s bull almost looks to be on its last legs after being attacked nonstop by Italy’s wolf. However, the bull, with one final charge, flings the wolf into air, sending its lifeless body crashing to the ground below.
24. Nigeria vs. Russia
With one fatal swat, Russia’s bear ends the life of Nigeria’s golden eagle, then proceeds to make a hat out of the slain bird’s feathers.
25. SEMI FINALS
26. Brazil vs. Argentina
LOL. Brazil’s jaguar immediately kills Argentina’s little bird, then continues to play with its lifeless corpse for the next 90 minutes.
27. Spain vs. Russia
Oh, Russia. Things were going so well until you literally messed with the bull and got the horns.
29. Brazil vs. Spain
Lord almighty, this was a match for the ages. Legs were broken and blood was let as the crowd watched on in abject horror. During stoppage time, Spain’s bull, barely breathing, lunged at Brazil’s fatigued jaguar one last time.
What the once-feared bull didn’t realize, though, was that the jaguar was feigning being tired, and with one lightning quick swipe it tore the heart from the bull’s body. “Not in my house,” said the jaguar, before proceeding to eat the heart in front of the cheering stadium.