Predicting The Winner Of The World Cup, Based On Each Country’s National Animal

Lions, and tigers, and bears… Olé!

As the World Cup draws near, predictions of who will win it all are in full effect. Mostly, these predictions are based on the skills of each country’s players, their history, injury reports, etc. But what if instead of human players, each country had to enter its national animal as its champion in a fight to the death?

Here is what the outcome would probably look like.

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3. Group A: Brazil, Croatia, Mexico, Cameroon


Cameroon is immediately eliminated because it doesn’t have a national animal, leaving the other three to slug it out. Although cute, the marten from Croatia is no match for Brazil’s jaguar and Mexico’s golden eagle.

Winner: Brazil
Runner Up: Mexico

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4. Group B: Spain, Australia, Chile, Netherlands

Flickr: magical-world / Via Creative Commons & Thinkstock

The Spanish bull tramples Australia’s kangaroo, as the Netherlands’ lion devours Chile’s North Andean huemul.

Winner: Spain
Runner Up: Netherlands

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5. Group C: Greece, Japan, Colombia, Ivory Coast

Flickr: 24256658@N06 / Via Creative Commons & Thinkstock

In the battle of the birds, Colombia’s Andean condor demolishes Japan’s green pheasant. Meanwhile, the Ivory Coast’s African elephant slays Greece’s dolphin, since dolphins shouldn’t be on land, anyway.

Winner: Ivory Coast
Runner Up: Colombia

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6. Group D: Costa Rica, Italy, England, Uruguay


Uruguay’s rufous hornero never saw the Italian wolf until it was too late. Same goes for the white-tailed deer from Costa Rica, whose last thought was, “Wait, is that a lion?”

Winner: Italy
Runner Up: England

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7. Group E: France, Ecuador, Switzerland, Honduras

Honduras’ white-tailed deer is no match for the mighty wing span of Ecuador’s Andean condor, and is thusly forced off a cliff to its demise. And poor Switzerland’s cow is slowly pecked to death by France’s gallic rooster. Sacré bleu!

Winner: Ecuador
Runner Up: France

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8. Group F: Iran, Argentina, Nigeria, Bosnia and Herzegovina


Like Cameroon, Bosnia and Herzegovina is disqualified for not having a national animal. This is bad news for Iran’s Persian cat, since Nigeria’s eagle is allergic and decides to take no mercy on the furry feline. This is good news for Argentina’s rufous hornero, who gets a free ticket into the next round.

Winner: Nigeria
Runner Up: Argentina

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9. Group G: Ghana, USA, Portugal, Germany


Holy crap! It’s the battle of the eagles! And one rooster! Germany’s golden eagle faces off against Ghana’s eagle, ultimately destroying it since, like The Highlander, there can only be one. At the same time, Portugal’s Barcelos cock plays dirty and convinces the United States’ bald eagle to stay up late partying, leaving it hungover and vulnerable. Needless to say, the cock triumphs.

Winner: Portugal
Runner Up: Germany

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10. Group H: Belgium, South Korea, Algeria, Russia


The Russian bear and Belgium’s lion have an epic battle, but the bear is just too much for the poor kitty in the end. And Algeria’s adorable fennec fox is swallowed whole by South Korea’s tiger.

Winner: Russia
Runner Up: S. Korea

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11. ROUND OF 16

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12. Group A Winner vs. Group B runner up


Slow and full from eating Chile’s huemul, Netherlands’ lion is outmatched by Brazil’s jaguar. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion dies tonight.

Winner: Brazil

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13. Group B winner vs. Group A runner up


Though swift and cunning, Mexico’s golden eagle ends up with a horn to the belly, courtesy of Spain’s bull.

Winner: Spain

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14. Group C winner vs. Group D runner up


It was easy for the Ivory Coast’s African elephant to defeat Greece’s dolphin, but it is an entirely different story when faced with an actual opponent like England’s lion. In the end, the lion emerges victorious with a stomach full of elephant meat.

Winner: England

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15. Group D winner vs. Group C runner up


Colombia’s Andean condor gets a little too cocky and strikes too soon, which is just what the Italian wolf wants.

Winner: Italy

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16. Group E winner vs. Group F runner up


Ecuador’s Andean condor, exhausted after defeating Honduras’ white-tailed deer, is surprisingly taken out after Argentina’s energetic rufous hornero pecks out its eyes.

Winner: Argentina

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17. Group F winner vs. Group E runner up


Just when France’s rooster is about to deliver the death blow, Nigeria’s eagle sinks its talons into the rooster’s neck, producing a gushing stream of Gallic blood.

Winner: Nigeria

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18. Group G winner vs. Group H runner up


Duh, South Korea’s tiger has chicken for dinner.

Winner: S. Korea

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19. Group H winner vs. Group G runner up


Germany’s golden eagle never really stood a chance when it faced Russia’s bear. Yeah, it got some good scratches in, but, y’know… It’s a bear, for chrissake.

Winner: Russia

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21. Brazil vs. England


In a bloody, messy, drag out fight, the Brazilian jaguar is left standing. The circle of life, indeed.

Winner: Brazil

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22. Argentina vs. S. Korea


South Korea’s tiger swallows Argentina’s rufous hornero whole and alive, just like it did the fennec fox. However, it should have chewed and is surprised when the feisty bird pecks its way out of the tiger’s throat. The tiger dies gasping for air.

Winner: Argentina

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23. Spain vs. Italy


Wow. What a fight. Spain’s bull almost looks to be on its last legs after being attacked nonstop by Italy’s wolf. However, the bull, with one final charge, flings the wolf into air, sending its lifeless body crashing to the ground below.

Winner: Spain

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24. Nigeria vs. Russia


With one fatal swat, Russia’s bear ends the life of Nigeria’s golden eagle, then proceeds to make a hat out of the slain bird’s feathers.

Winner: Russia

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26. Brazil vs. Argentina


LOL. Brazil’s jaguar immediately kills Argentina’s little bird, then continues to play with its lifeless corpse for the next 90 minutes.

Winner: Brazil

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27. Spain vs. Russia


Oh, Russia. Things were going so well until you literally messed with the bull and got the horns.

Winner: Spain

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29. Brazil vs. Spain


Lord almighty, this was a match for the ages. Legs were broken and blood was let as the crowd watched on in abject horror. During stoppage time, Spain’s bull, barely breathing, lunged at Brazil’s fatigued jaguar one last time.

What the once-feared bull didn’t realize, though, was that the jaguar was feigning being tired, and with one lightning quick swipe it tore the heart from the bull’s body. “Not in my house,” said the jaguar, before proceeding to eat the heart in front of the cheering stadium.

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Thinkstock/FIFA / Via
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31. And to the losers, see you in four years!

National Geographic / Via
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