1. You. Can’t. Lose.
No matter what the game may be, there is only one possible outcome: total domination and glorious victory.
2. You are warned before games start to calm down and take it easy.
When have you ever been nothing but the consummate understanding board game player? Oh, yeah, almost every single time.
3. You laugh at people who think board games are “fun.”
Fun? Was Gettysburg fun? Was D-Day? No, they weren’t, and neither is Settlers of Catan, but by George will you destroy everyone in your path.
4. If it’s a game played in teams, you quickly size everyone up and get with the people who will best help you win.
However, you quickly forget that they are on your team and start to alienate them as well.
5. You are constantly reminded that it’s “just a game.”
And you constantly remind everyone else you DGAF.
6. You know that timers are not to be trusted, and you watch them like a hawk.
7. You are always the banker in Monopoly.
How better to implement your Draconian rule than to control the ebb and flow of the very currency you wish to hoard?
8. You have lost friends over games.
It’s called “Battleship” for a reason, mostly because you are great at sinking relationships.
9. You’ve literally screamed when getting bad Scrabble letters.
10. Choosing your game piece is serious business.
Everyone has their own preference for color, shape, what have you. The only thing that matters is that no one else chooses your piece or else they will suffer the wrath of your stink eye all game.
11. If losing, you believe it is a conspiracy against you.
There is no way you are this far behind unless all the other players have come together in solidarity to take you down, right?
12. Surprise! Everyone does gang up on you!
Well, what else did you expect after accusing everyone of cheating? A cookie?
13. You pause games to make sure the rules are being followed.
That is unless you’ve memorized the rules already. In which case, bravo.
14. But will totally bluff your way through a move if need be.
Hey, it’s just a game, right?
15. Catching someone on a technicality makes your day.
Sorry, but “U.S.S.R.” is not acceptable when the answer is clearly “Russia.” Nice try, though.
16. You are a sore loser, but a worse winner.
“Gloating” is too light of a word for you after you win. Maybe “insufferable exultation”?