17. Arby’s doesn’t deserve this.
Analysis: I like Arby’s. What exactly this reviewer ate that tasted like crap is anyone’s guess, but I know it couldn’t have been their Market Fresh sandwiches or curly fries, because both are from the Lord.
16. This review is in the gutter.
Analysis: Totally a missed opportunity for either a turkey joke or something to do with strikes/spares. Plus, the man behind the counter seems hilarious and like a real cool dude.
15. This totally working translation app.
Analysis: I great rearview. It is succinct an thoroughfare.
14. I get it.
Analysis: Clever. And by clever I mean not clever.
13. Don’t hate the player, hate the ‘gram.
Analysis: This review is like the old dude at the party who only “listens to vinyl” and “eats vegan, mostly.”
12. People don’t use “BAWLIN’” enough.
Analysis: I doubt the lovely ladies of this establishment are mean or ugly. However, I do believe the chicken nuggitz be crispy.
11. So original.
Analysis: I can’t argue with any of this and I am fan of both Johnny Depp and Tim Burton.
10. Eddie P. doesn’t bullshit.
Analysis: Eddie put everyone on blast with this review. He’s probably the type of guy who yells at the movie screen, “HEY! TURN AROUND, DUMMY! THE KILLER IS BEHIND YOU!”
9. Ikea is the shit.
ANALysis: I had an Ikea bed and never once pooped in it.
8. Five Guys Burgers and Fries can be a mouthful.
Analysis: This is any easy joke, sure, but have you had Five Guys in your mouth? I visit Five Guys every chance I get because it’s always a flavor explosion that I experience every time I come.
Analysis: What I want to know is how long they tried before giving up.
6. The mark of a great iPhone game.
Analysis: As someone who does most of their reading/gameplay on the toilet, this is exactly the kind of review I appreciate.
5. Did my mom write this?
Analysis: If your mom or dad is still buying your clothes, then they have every right to review said purchases. This young man has nothing to complain about since his swag was kept on point.
4. A twofer!
Analysis: You see, men can be very juvenile when it comes to talking about sperm. It’s hard for us to not joke about it, which often leads us into sticky situations.
3. Don’t question a mother’s intuition.
Analysis: What I love about this review is that instead of switching to a different pizza place, this parent just makes sure that their daughter never answers the door. I mean, yes, the driver may or may not be a pedophile, but that’s the chance you take if you want to keep getting the pizza with the “simply amazing” flavored crust.
2. Jackson’s review of Chuck E. Cheese’s.
Analysis: Jackson is just saying what we’ve all been thinking. I mean, $20 for 100 tokens does seem pretty steep, and the fact that he saw rats in the kitchen really paints the picture and made me feel like I was there. Also, I too hate things that smell like a garbage. All in all this is a great case for Obamacare.
1. The most metal pizzeria ever.
Analysis: This review has everything you want, from the way the waiter “leened” in and the fact that it was a question THE WHOLE TIME. I would totally check out this place and order the #666, which I assume they have, that is if they acknowledge me, of course??
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