30 Unexpected Things You Learn In Your Thirties

Oh, twenties, you’re adorable.

1. You constantly forget that you’re not in your twenties anymore.

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After college, the years just sort of start to blend together. So, in a way, you are perennially 22 years old mentally, and often financially.

2. People start to think there is something LEGITIMATELY wrong with you if you are single.

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Just because you are in your thirties doesn’t mean you have to be married. Explaining that to your parents, on the other hand, is a whole other ordeal.

3. Your middle name should be “Busy,” since that is what you are all the time now.

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What with all the housewarmings, kid birthday parties, traveling, and work, you barely have time to remember to eat. J/K, eating becomes your new best friend. I love you, Cherry Garcia.

4. Your Facebook feed will be nothing but new baby pics.

Some of them are yours, probably.

5. You will seriously consider moving to a more affordable part of the country.

You can buy a house in Detroit for a pack of cigarettes, I hear.

6. The clothes from your twenties now make you look like you are trying too hard.

7. Which is why you will look for “sensible” and “comfortable” clothes when shopping.

Bonus if they are both “roomy” and “flattering.”

8. There are two camps of people: those who work out and those who work.

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A small population does both. Those people suck.

9. Getting carded is AWESOME.

“You mean I look 21? Oh, you have to card everyone? Just let me have this!”

10. Your favorite foods will now wreak havoc on your insides.

Chili fries? LOL. Like the raven doth say, “Nevermore, sucka.”

11. Investing in quality becomes important.

And most importantly, doable. That means spending a little more on better clothes and maybe even a better car.

12. Hangovers will destroy you.

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You used to drink everyone under the table. Now you’re just under the table trying to figure out how you got so wasted off of two Amstel Lights.

13. The classic rock station is now playing your high school playlist.

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Since when is Nirvana classic rock? Wait. Nevermind is 23 years old? When did that happen?!

14. Quiet never sounded so good.

When did the world get so loud? And bright? Close the shades, will ya?

15. Your back will hurt for no damn reason.

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You go to sleep on the eve of your 30th birthday with a healthy, youthful back, and awaken the next morning with the back of an 85-year-old carrot farmer.

16. Same goes for your feet.

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Time to start investing in orthotic shoe inserts! How fun!

17. You will gain hair in all the wrong places.

But lose it in the places that matter most.

18. You will now have divorced friends.

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How adult is that?

19. Re-watching movies from your youth is a bad idea.

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RIP Flight of the Navigator. I should have kept you in my memories where you belong.

20. Marathons everywhere.

Who knew so many of your friends were runners? Maybe you should do one. Nah, forget about it. There are Oreos in the cupboard.

21. Gray hairs will begin to multiply like horny bunnies.

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22. Somehow you are now a person with answers.

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When that intern at work asks what they need to look for in renting their first apartment, you will have actual advice. Actual. Sage. Advice.

23. Your clothes won’t be the only things laden with wrinkles.

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Time to buy the Costco-size jug of night cream.

24. Activities like apple picking and wine tasting will be your new wild weekend plans.

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And both will make you tired the next day.

25. The only dancing you will do is at weddings and work parties.

Stacia Neubert Photography

Clubs? Those are for the youth and people desperately clinging to what they have left of their own.

26. Plus, dancing all night requires multiple water breaks.

In your twenties you could dance all night, slamming shot after shot while living la dolce vita. Now it’s “I need another water. Can I get you another water?” as you slink off the dance floor drenched in sweat.

27. Talk of cool new bars and bands is replaced with talk of mortgage refinancing and preschool applications.

Yeah, it may seem mundane, but seriously, how did you get little Kevin into that preschool?

28. The repercussions of your twenties will catch up with you.

Those credit card offers seemed so reasonable at the time. So did the trip to Europe you used them on. Now you’re stuck paying for a trip that was ultimately “just OK.”

29. You wouldn’t go back to your twenties for a million bucks.

Unless you go back and use the money on investing more wisely for your thirties, because then it’s a deal.

30. You can’t wait to be 40.

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Because by then you’ll totally have all this shit figured out, right?

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