1. Going to bed at a reasonable hour is, contrary to what you used to believe, extremely cool.
2. And naps are wonderful, beautiful, incredible things that nobody can keep you away from.
3. Almost every book or movie you loved as a child had extremely questionable moral lessons.
4. There is nothing in the world more annoying than teenagers, and you’re deeply apologetic for everything you did during the last decade of your life.
5. In order to see your friends, you actually have to make an effort to see your friends.
6. Getting asked for ID at bars is not fun and exciting, it’s tedious. Please just give me my damn beer.
7. Hangovers are real. *Thinks wistfully of college when you could drink five nights a week and still function.*
8. If you don’t do your dishes, they stay dirty. If you don’t do your laundry, you have no underwear. It is shameful that this took over two decades to learn.
9. At no point does waking up early and going to the gym become easy or fun. Maturity is a myth.
10. On the contrary, everything that was mildly difficult five years ago is basically impossible now.
11. “Networking” is the most necessary and most evil of necessary evils.
12. All the qualities you used to find attractive in other people were dumb.
Now you know that “sexy” is just shorthand for “someone who will bring me McDonald’s at 5 a.m. and still love me when I don’t shave my legs.”
13. Your parents are actually the coolest people ever and you’d trade anything to hang out with them all the time.
14. It’s surprisingly rare and special to be able to make a living doing what you love.
15. Sometimes parts of your body will ache and be in pain for no reason and there’s nothing you can do about it.
16. Unwanted bodily hair will appear and disappear of its own accord. You will spend years of life getting rid of it.
17. At some point you have to begrudgingly admit that keeping track of your finances is probably a good idea.
18. Bars with ample seating and mid-level music are FAR superior to bars with few seats and loud music.
19. There’s more to the world than your hometown, your college town, and your Cancun spring break.
Now if only someone would give you an unlimited travel budget and vacation days.
20. Most relevant celebrities are suddenly younger than you and “What am I doing with my life?” is a daily question.
21. You don’t have to be a gourmet chef, but being able to not burn down your house every time you enter the kitchen is a necessary life skill.
22. Every way you ever wore your hair was wrong and embarrassing.
…And there’s no guarantee that you have it right currently.