1. Peek at gifts before Christmas morning.
Why do you want to ruin the surprise?
2. Be mean to bell ringers.
Yes, anyone who tries to talk while all you want to do is just get home faster is annoying. But leave them alone, if you don’t want to donate just keep walking.
3. Try to open two presents on Christmas Eve.
I don’t know about your family, but in mine you get to open one present on Christmas Eve. Negotiating for two is almost cause for getting banned altogether. And don’t get me started on people who open all their gifts at midnight. That is pure insanity.
4. Make everyone wait for you to get up in order to begin opening presents.
WHY ARE YOU STILL SLEEPING? IT’S CHRISTMAS!
5. Make everyone eat breakfast before opening gifts.
What kind of torture is this? The schedule has always been presents then breakfast. Don’t mess with tradition.
Unless it’s a “charitable gift” in your name. ‘Cuz fuck that.
Charity is great and all, but WHAT ABOUT ME?
7. Give someone an unwrapped gift.
Even a bow is better than, “Why wrap it? It’s just a waste of paper.”
8. Trade gifts.
Much like crying in baseball, there is no trading in Christmas.
10. Not keep track of who got you what.
Slow your roll, playa. How else are you going to remember who gave you that ugly sweater?
11. Not clean up your wrapping paper.
Oh, you want to go try out your new remote control car? Not before you help clean up this mess, mister!
12. Get too drunk too early.
Easy on the eggnog there, champ. It’s barely 10 a.m..
13. Use the free day off to take your kid(s) to an inappropriate movie.
Christmas is a big movie outing day, so do us all a favor and take your 8 year old to Frozen instead of American Hustle, OK?
14. Be a mistletoe creep.
It’s a creepy enough tradition without you perving it up even more.
15. Leave Santa anything but milk and cookies.
Santa doesn’t have time for your “healthy holiday treats”! Although that rum is much appreciated.
16. Tell kids there is no such thing as Santa.
WHAT SORT OF MONSTER DOES THIS? He’s real, kids! REAL!