1. If you're having a good boob day, chances are you're having a terrible butt day.
2. And vice versa. If your boobs are big, your butt is TOO big. If your bum is slimmer, your bust is nonexistent.
3. On the freak chance your body is to your liking, a pimple emerges right in the middle of your hideously plain face, marring everything.
4. You're always secretly wishing you could somehow distribute your butt fat into your boobs via a tiny tube.
5. Or that you could just photoshop yourself in real life but without lasting side effects or paying any money.
6. You feel slightly better about your unfortunate body when you see curvy celebrities like Nicki Minaj or Christina Hendricks.
7. But then you remember that your own curves are not as proportional, and your face is, at best, really average.
8. Magazines define you as pear-shaped. "I'm a pear," you whisper to yourself with conviction, though you wouldn't self-describe as "juicy" or "delicious."
You're more of the dried-out, kind-of-grayish variety.
9. You're always looking for clothes that will simultaneously enhance your cleavage and minimize your rump.
10. And you're always trying to find a haircut that brings out your painfully mediocre facial features while also attempting to balance out the rest of your body.
11. You acknowledge that some trends, like peplums or pixie cuts, you must skip out on, for the good of humanity.
12. You get annoyed when your big-breasted, perfect-butted, fine-faced friends complain about their body woes.
13. Going to the gym ends up being like a creepy casting call for body parts you wish you had.
"I'll take those thighs, that girl's arms, and literally anything off the supermodel behind me."
14. You worry that, if you look this way now, how much worse will your appearance be when wrinkles and possible post-baby fat have their way with you?
15. Sometimes though, the clutter of it all gets insanely mundane, forcing you to focus on the things that are actually great in your life.
16. You realize you are fucking perfect, and you hope you'll always remember that with the same conviction as you do in this moment, because you know it's true.
