Every March Madness School Ranked By Their Most Embarrassing Alum

A comprehensive guide that will instantly improve your trash-talking.

I went through all 64 schools that made the real first round of the tournament (sorry, play-in game losers) and found their most embarrassing famous alum. They have been ranked from least embarrassing to most embarrassing.

64. Ole Miss: Eli Manning

Famed Muppet Eli Manning was far more embarrassing before he went and became one of the top quarterbacks in the NFL. His derpy-ness gets him on the list. But his championships keep him at the bottom.

63. Creighton: Anthony Tolliver

Anthony Tolliver isn’t really embarrassing. He’s an average NBA player. But Creighton has done well to avoid super-humiliating alums. So good on you, Creighton. Sorry, Anthony.

Image by Todd Kirkland / AP

62. Florida Gulf Coast: The Bassist From A Band Called 7 Blue Skies

FGCU only has like seven famous alumni. This is a meta-embarrassment, but other than this album cover, I know nothing about 7 Blue Skies.

61. Western Kentucky: He Hate Me

When he finally made it out of the XFL and into the NFL, Rod Smart became less embarrassing and even made it to the Super Bowl with the Panthers. But being the face (back?) of the XFL? Oof.

Image by Todd Warshaw / Getty Images

60. Memphis: Fred Thompson

Fred Thompson wouldn’t be on this list if he never ran for president. He was a senator from Tennessee AND was on Law and Order. That’s awesome. But then he ran for president and finished like 745th in the weakest Republican primary field in history.

Image by Brendan Hoffman / Getty Images

59. Belmont: DJ Qualls

From a coworker: “Take DJ Qualls off that list! He was in Hustle and Flow and Road Trip. He had the courage to be an actor despite being weird-looking.”

58. Temple: Bob Saget

Saget’s foul-mouthed persona has always felt like overcompensation from being cast as the dad on Full House. Sometimes it’s great. Sometimes it’s not.

57. South Dakota State: Tom Daschle

Having to withdraw your name from consideration for a Cabinet post because you didn’t pay a whole bunch of taxes will get you here.

Image by Shawn Thew / Getty Images

56. St. Mary’s: Mark Teahen

Featured in the famed Michael Lewis book Moneyball, which claimed that he had the potential to become the next Jason Giambi. He did not.

55. San Diego State: Mika Tan

Mika’s Wikipedia describes her as a “fetish/pantyhose model.” We’re a sex-positive site. She’s only here because why do you have to go to college for that?

Image by Nancy Ostertag / Getty Images

54. Bucknell: Les Moonves

On one hand, he’s the genius who made CBS the top network in television. On the other, Two and a Half Men and NCIS.

Image by Kevin Winter / Getty Images

53. Oregon: Norv Turner

The maligned former coach of the Chargers finally got fired this year after years of people talking about how terrible a coach he was. His next job? With my beloved, terrible Cleveland Browns. Norv is not moving up in the world.

Image by Harry How / Getty Images

UNLV: Suge Knight (REMOVED FROM COMPETITION)

He gets credit for helping give the world Dr. Dre, NWA, Snoop Dogg, and Tupac. He loses credit for possibly being involved with the deaths of Tupac and Biggie. Also this photo.

SUGE KNIGHT HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM COMPETITION, DUE TO THERE BEING A WAAAAAY MORE EMBARRASSING UNLV ALUM. JUST WAIT.

52. Iona: Jeff Ruland

Jeff Ruland was a solid NBA player, but just look at that flattop and mustache.

51. La Salle: A.J. Daulerio

A.J. Daulerio is probably on cocaine right now and is most famous for buying photos of Brett Favre’s penis. Those things aren’t all that embarrassing — unless you’re an institution of higher learning.

50. Louisville: Mitch McConnell

Mitch McConnell tells bad jokes about Golden Girls. Also he looks like a turtle.

Image by T.J. Kirkpatrick / Getty Images

49. Gonzaga: Jason Bay

*Mets and Red Sox fans nodding.*

Image by Christian Petersen / Getty Images

48. VCU: The Real Patch Adams

You’re a doctor! Act like a doctor, dammit! You know what doesn’t put my mind at ease at a hospital? A doctor treating me like an open-mic audience.

47. Akron: Charlie Frye

On the plus side, Charlie Frye convinced two different NFL teams that he might be a viable starting quarterback. On the negative side, he wasn’t.

Image by  Jonathan Daniel / Getty Images

46. New Mexico: Hank Baskett

Reality-TV stardom = embarrassing.
Married to a Playboy bunny = not embarrassing.
Washing out of the NFL while focusing on your reality-TV career = embarrassing.

45. St. Louis: Larry Hughes

I still think the Cavs signing Larry Hughes was the reason LeBron eventually left.

Image by Dave Sandford / Getty Images

44. Miami: Ryan Braun

He’s a cheater, and everyone in baseball hates him for it.

Image by Pool / Reuters

43. Oklahoma: Dick Armey

Read about Armey’s “coup” at FreedomWorks here.

42. Colorado: Rick Reilly

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=5PSwm73lCS4.

The once-legendary columnist has been reduced to being a bad talking head begging for attribution for stories he didn’t break.

Source: youtube.com

41. James Madison: Tatanka

Yep.

40. Florida: Tim Tebow

Tim Tebow couldn’t start over Mark Sanchez. I repeat. Tim Tebow couldn’t start over Mark Sanchez.

Image by Steve Marcus / Reuters

39. Valparaiso: The Red-Shirt Kid in “Crazy Frog Bros”

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=btwG0E4xke0.

He is currently a student there.

Source: youtube.com

38. Wisconsin: Bud Selig

Ten years ago, he would have been much more embarrassing. But then David Stern voided a Lakers–Chris Paul trade, Roger Goodell shrugged his shoulders about player safety while pretending to care, and Gary Bettman did Gary Bettman things. Now Bud Selig is probably the best commissioner in sports. Insane.

Image by Otto Greule Jr / Getty Images

37. Pittsburgh: Harry K. Thaw

Sure he’s a murderer, but he’s an old-timey murderer who murdered Stanford White in a crime of passion. So he comes in here instead of with all the other murderers who are closer to No. 1.

36. Arizona: Nicole Richie

Nicole Richie has become a fairly responsible and productive/normal member of society. But she was once on The Simple Life, so…

Image by Thibault Camus / AP

35. N.C. State: Vinny Del Negro

The Clippers are really good, but nobody says it’s because of VDN. There’s a reason everyone wanted him fired last year.

Image by Photo by Doug Pensinger / Getty Images

34. Davidson: Patricia Cornwell

The queen of mom literature.

33. Kansas State: Michael Beasley

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=397KGshRNYI.

One of the most disappointing NBA busts in a long time. Also he’s a weirdo.

Source: youtube.com

32. Pacific: Michael Olowokandi

Maybe the worst first pick in NBA history. It’s entirely possible that you, sitting there in front of your computer, are better at basketball than the Kandi Man.

Image by Jeff Gross / Getty Images

31. Montana: Michael Ray Richardson

Was banned for life for violating the NBA’s drug policy three times. The ban was lifted in 1988, but then he failed two more cocaine tests in 1991.

Image by DICK RAPHAEL / Getty Images

30. Georgetown: Michael Sweetney

*Knicks fans committing Seppuku*

29. Oklahoma State: Brandon Weeden

He was a 29-year-old NFL rookie who got sacked by the American flag.

28. Indiana: Jared Fogle

Yeah. You lost all that weight from eating Subway. Sure.

27. Northwestern State: Darryl Willis

The face of BP’s Deepwater Horizon claim process. There’s nothing quite like being the face of one of the worst environmental disasters ever.

26. Minnesota: Rick Sanchez

He implied that Jews run the media and then lost his CNN job!

25. Cincinnati: Ruben Patterson

Ruben Patterson is a former NBA player/sex offender who pleaded guilty to the attempted rape of his child’s nanny.

24. Villanova: Toby Keith

He attended Nova for only one year, but that’s enough to make the list.

23. Michigan State: Former Bachelor Bob Guiney

He was on The Bachelor. On purpose.

22. Cal: Tom from MySpace

Everyone’s least favorite friend.

21. North Carolina: Mike Nifong

Mike Nifong was the prosecuting attorney in the Duke lacrosse case who was accused of hiding evidence, manipulating witnesses, and misleading the court. He was disbarred.

Image by Sara D. Davis / Getty Images

20. Kansas: Steve Doocy

Just look at that smug face.

19. Southern: Randy Jackson

The one original judge that everyone hated on American Idol. And coincidentally the one original judge still on the show.

Image by Kevin Winter / Getty Images

18. Syracuse: Brad Anderson

Anderson created the comedy apocalypse that is Marmaduke.

17. Illinois: Gene Shalit

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=z8oukb_qMgI.

(Insert pun here.)

Source: youtube.com

16. New Mexico State: Joe Pisarcik

Pisarcik’s heartbreaking fumble is remembered bitterly by Giants fans and warmly by Eagles fans who call the play “The Miracle at the Meadowlands.”

15. Notre Dame: Nicholas Sparks

Self-explanatory.

14. Marquette: Matthew Lesko

That guy from those annoying infomercials? Yeah, he apparently went to college.

13. Iowa State: Parviz Davoodi

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s former vice president.

12. Wichita State: “BTK” Serial Killer Dennis Rader

We’re getting into our creepy, insane person section! Read more about BTK here.

11. Harvard: Ted Kaczynski

The Unabomber is so embarrassing that he shows up on the list for both his undergrad…

Image by Mark Wilson / Getty Images

10. Michigan: Ted Kaczynski

…and grad school!

9. Albany: Accused “Craigslist Killer” Phillip Markoff

Read more about Markoff’s unnerving case here.

8. UCLA: “Dating Game Killer” Rodney Alcala

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=vuseCKBlJIU.

Rodney Alcala was a winning contestant on The Dating Game before becoming a notorious serial killer.

Source: youtube.com

7. Butler: Jim Jones

Founder of the Peoples Temple. Responsible for 1978 mass-cult suicide in Jonestown, Guyana. More than 900 people died.

6. UNLV: Guy Fieri

Guy Fieri was originally not included in this list. I apologize for this horrific oversight. This may be the selection committee’s most egregious blunder ever. Suge Knight has been removed from competition.

Image by Omar Tobias Vega / Getty Images

5. Missouri: SallyAnn Salsano

Creator of Jersey Shore.

4. Duke: Tucker Max

Author of creepy rape-culture touchstones like I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell and Assholes Finish First.

Image by Toby Canham / Getty Images

3. Colorado State: Anwar al-Awlaki

Anwar al-Awlaki is a member of al-Qaeda and has been called the “bin Laden of the Internet.”

2. North Carolina A&T: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed

The mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks.

Image by Janet Hamlin/Miami Herald/MCT

1. Ohio State: Bruce Villanch

Jeffrey Dahmer is the second most embarrassing person to have gone to Ohio State.

Image by Peter Kramer / Getty Images

CORRECTION: An earlier version of this item misstated Colorado State’s most embarrassing alum. The school’s most embarrassing alum is Anwar al-Awlaki. The list has been re-ordered to reflect the change. (3/21/13)